Introspection

This class I am taking right now is a diversity class. Our professor has given us assignments that have really stopped me in my tracks....you know....when you have to answer questions that you had not really considered.

We have done some writing, which I love, but is also penetrating. One assignment was on teaching writing, and first step was to draw a heart. This would become a heart map. Inside we were to write the things that were important to us, people, places, events...took me a second, once I got past the obvious. Then we were to free write about one of those things. In my heart map, I wrote: faith and truth, my hubbie, Daniel, Robert, Katherine, Caitlyn, Aaorn, Destin, Paul's death, pregnancy, house flooding, etc....

Then looking over those things, I decided to write about being pregnant with Katherine. Here it is in a non-edited form:

It was September 1989. Steve and I were expecting our third child. This was at a time before routine ultrasounds, before we "knew" what were having. Everyone was sure we were having another boy. I was ok with that. We had two boys and loved them dearly; we could do another boy. What's so hard about boys?

September wore away and my due date came and went. What a long pregnancy! Is this baby ever going to get here? I was still certain we were having a boy and had settled on the name Paul Anthony. Paul after a friend of mine that had been killed as a teenager, and Anthony meant gift. I really liked our name, and was settled we were going to have a boy, until a friend of mine, Dianne, pointed out to me that maybe God knew I hadn't been ready for a girl, and maybe now I was. Hmmm, I thought, could I raise a girl. Maybe, I was ready to have a baby girl.

My "girliness" had been learned. I grew up a tomboy with no idea about dressing up, wearing make-up, with no fashion sense. I didn't even know how to walk and talk like a girl. Most girls learn these things from their mothers, but I didn't. What did I know about being a girl, let alone raising one!?

Wednesday night, October 11, 1989, the night before I was scheduled to be induced. I had had false labor for months now, so any contractions I had fit into that category (at least in my mind). I was in a church service at Torrejon Baptist, sitting next to a friend of mine. I told her I thought I might be having contractions. She timed me during the entire church service, and by the end of the evening, she was convinced it was the real thing. After much coaxing, Steve and I headed to the hospital-now after 9pm. That night, just a few hours later, my daughter made her debut.

I remember it being quite surreal to hear, "It's a girl." She weighed in at 8 lbs, 2 oz with a head full of black curly hair. A girl! A girl! There, she cuddled next to me, not Paul Anthony, but Katherine Marian-Jewell. My pure sweet little angel.

Today, she is almost 20 and about to be married. Being her mom has been one of the single most joys of my life. The road hasn't been smooth all the time. We struggled to evolve our relationship and come to terms with the two different people we are, but we made it. I treasure the moments we have shared. I used to crawl into her bed and sing to her, "You are my sunshine." That song is our song...she has been my sunshine...since the day she was born!