A Heart's Call to Prayer

As I was sitting in the Randy Travis concert listening to the words of the songs by both him and the opening artist, I knew once again that God was calling my heart to prayer. I have mentioned that before, but somehow just can't seem to get to where I need to be going. I KNOW that prayer is the real work of God. It is the avenue by which God works. We want God to do great things; we want to see God's hand; we want to know it is God, but disciplining ourselves to pray is not that easy.

I am not talking about pray over meals, pray for a parking space, send up a prayer for someone who has a need right at that moment, pray while driving....not those kind of prayers. Those prayers are worthy and it is certainly communication with God, and definitely falls under the 'pray without ceasing' category, but that just isn't where my problem lies. I have that down, it is the laboring, wrestling in prayer for God to do mighty things down on my knees when there is no one there but Him and I.

Alot of my problem is "time." Not that I don't have 24 hours a day just like everyone else has, but arranging my life to fit in that prayer time is the challenge. I don't have many moments where something else isn't biding for my time. Weak, I know...because really when I analyze that, I know it is a priority issue. I am allowing something other than God to have my time. I am giving my time to activities, situations, etc...that are nothing but hay and stubble. They are worthless apart from God's plan in my life. Only what He does through me matters.

So...yesterday, Sooner, the cat, broke his leg somehow. He came hobbling in the house right about the time I had to get ready for work. This is only really significant because we were just at the vet last week. We took Carson in the week before that to get a shot and groomed. No issues there. The following week, we took Pedro in for the same thing. First, I thought he was only getting one shot, turns out, it was time for the annuals. Ok...dealt with that, then went to go pick him up, and found out he has heart worms. This is our second bout with heart worms in a year. Carson had them first, resulting in an expensive treatment, and testing of the other dogs who all came back clear. Pedro has been on heartworm preventive, and has had no symptoms. Not that I doubt the vet, because I don't, but it was a blow, and the vet could see we were not happy campers. At first I thought we were going to have to put him down, because putting him through the treatment just wasn't an option. The treatment alone could kill him, and he isn't as young as he used to be. He gave us another option-to switch to Heartguard which over a period of years would kill all the heart worms without killing him. Not a quick fix, but doable. Back to Sooner. Not even one week later, Sooner is now at the vet. He was kennelled over night and getting x-rays today. (Anyone else seeing dollar signs!?) I started wondering, did we pay our tithes, give to missions, miss something somewhere? This is ridiculous, and seriously, we are not made of money over here. (I have been regretting getting back into the animal business when we were down to just Pedro and the fish!)

Then it hit me...I was driving to work praying and wrestling with all of this. My frustration was escalating. WHAT IS THE DEAL? (I practically yelled) Just Sunday night, I told God, whatever it takes Lord, I KNOW you are calling me to be a prayer warrior, and that is the desire of my heart. I want to KNOW God and KNOW God is at work, not me. I want to KNOW that what I am seeing is the fruit of His Hand, not my efforts being played out. I am willing to pay the cost to get to that point in my life.

It was only the cat (and the dog) that He used to get my attention, but it could have been one of my children, or grandson, or Caitlyn. It could have been my husband. It could have been something of such greater value, yet, I needed a gentle reminder. Not one sparrow falls to the ground that God doesn't know about. He cares for each one. No prayer is too small or too big for Him. He just wants me to commit to living my life with Him at the center of it, seeking Him in prayer, and interceding on others' behalf! God...I am listening. Keep my heart tuned in to you!

Rejoicing in God's Provision

This weekend we v isited Berean Baptist Temple in Shreveport to hear one of our heroes preach. he preached from the story of Abraham sacrificing his only son Isaac and knowing the God that provides. Jehovah Jireh is probably one of my favorite names of God, and knowing that God does indeed provide, not just for our physical needs but our emotional and spiritual needs as well. God allows the trials in our lives. He is at work, and the work He is doing matters more than the pain we may be temporarily feeling.The Girlfriends in God devotion today reminded me that what God does He does for His good. Someone else may mean evil, but God is infinite love, and in His love for me, He is conforming me to His image!

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Monday, September 21, 2009 Forward to a Friend Free Newsletters Print


September 21, 2009


The Promises of Problems


Mary Southerland

Today's Truth


"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good." Genesis 50:20






Friend to Friend


If you are like me, you prefer days when the sun is shining, the sky is blue, and not a cloud in sight. Problems tend to irritate me because they make me realize just how frail I am as a human. But I have come to realize that every problem points to a promise.


Promise of direction


God uses problems to show us the way. We would walk through the wrong door if He didn't close it. Years ago, I dated a young man I thought I would marry. We had it all worked out. He was a preacher and I played the piano and sang. What could be more perfect? I began to pray, "Lord, if he is not the one, just close the door!" The very next conversation I had with this young man ended our relationship and resulted in my taking a church staff position that led me to Dan Southerland. I look back and thank God for that closed door.


"Sometimes it takes a painful situation to make us change our ways." Proverbs 20:30


Promise of correction


God uses problems to correct us. I have come to realize that some lessons can only be learned in the darkness, through pain and failure. When our daughter was a toddler, she was fascinated with electrical outlets. Nothing we said or did seemed to deter her...until the day she stuck a safety pin in the outlet. "Ouch!" she cried, holding up her little red finger for me to kiss. She never played with an outlet again.


"It was the best thing that could have happened to me, for it taught me to pay attention to your laws." Psalm 119:71-72

Promise of protection


A problem can be a blessing in disguise if it keeps you from being hurt by something more serious. It was so hard for me to take our children to the doctor to get immunization shots. I would take a healthy child into the doctor's office and come out with a little one who was fussy, sore and running a low grade temperature. Our pediatrician finally said, "Mary, just think of it like this. You are allowing your babies to experience a little hurt in order to prevent them from experiencing a bigger hurt. A tetanus shot is nothing compared to tetanus itself.


"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good." Genesis 50:20


Promise of perfection


Problems, when responded to correctly, are character builders. I recently spoke for a women's conference that used the theme of "Problems into Pearls". Strands of pearls were everywhere - the center of each table, on the podium from which I spoke, draped across tables - and many of the ladies wore pearls that day. When the worship leader welcomed me, she said, "We have to get you some pearls!" Digging in her purse, she produced the most beautiful pearl necklace and placed it around my neck. As the day went on, I spoke several times, counseled and prayed with numerous women and tried to meet as many women as possible. When everyone had left, the woman came to retrieve her pearl necklace. I was embarrassed. I had worked up quite a sweat with all of that hugging, laughing, talking. She brushed my apology aside and said, "Sweat is good for pearls. It helps them keep their luster."


"We can rejoice when we run into problems... they help us learn to be patient. And patience develops strength of character in us and helps us trust God more each time we use it until finally our hope and faith are strong and steady." Romans 5:3-4

God is at work in and around you. You may not see His hand, hear His voice or even understand His process, but you can rest assured that you can trust His heart. Remember, every problem points to a promise.

New Directions

Same message that God has been dealing with me from the beginning...but because I have a free will, I don't always choose to structure my life according to God's plan for me. The result is never pretty-usually disasterous; Not sure why it takes me so long to order my steps God's direction instead of my own!

Day 9 of my Beth Moore study Get Out of That Pit. At the end of each day there is a prayer journaling section. When I started this on Sept. 2, I had no idea I was in a pit! It is becoming painfuly clear that my definition of a pit was not in line with the author's definition. I now know I have been trudging along in the same muck and mire for some time now. One of my sons described me as mentally unhealthy...that has been my catch phrase since....mostly because I HAD to look that up to see if I fit the bill (what else do you do when someone you love levels a charge like that against you.) I don't in a physical sense have the symptons at all, ok..there is a tendency towards OCD, but even in a medical sense, I don't have that. (hmmm...maybe we could all learn something about making one sided judgment calls and listening to ungodly voices tugging at our heart and distorting truth-which I don't know anyone who isn't guilty of), but in a Spiritual sense, he might be on to something. My thoughts, my priorities, my life hasn't completely lined up with God's direction for my life. Not that I haven't been trying to live my life according to God's Word-I have, but doing it my way or rather what seems right in my eyes has set my feet on the wrong path way too many times now. That certainly falls under the caterogy of Spiritually unhealthy.

This week I have been home with Caitlyn while everyone else is at work. It has been an opportunity for me to have down time. I am busy, don't get me wrong, but during her morning nap, I am stopping my bustling around to sit with God and read my devotions. This morning I did a bit of snatch reading at the table while she was eating, and caught a few online devotions while she was watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. All of those moments are redirecting my thougths and in turn my heart. I realized yesterday that I was in no way close to the forgiveness stage-still in the anger, bitter, resentment stage. Forgiveness is a work of grace, and it may take a moment for God to work that out in me. I am angry in my heart and all the masking of it by day to day living doesn't change a thing.

After I journaled my prayer today, I looked back at day 1. What was I thinking when I started just over a week ago? Here is where I was a week ago, and where I am today.

9/2/09
Lord, I know I have been lower than I am right now. This is not a pit of despair, or a faith struggle, but a place of reprioritizing, My priorities aren't your priorities. My life isn't reflecting you-at least not all of my heart attitudes and what takes precedence in my daily life. I need you and only you to have the pre-Eminence in my every day. Lord, change my heart, change my focus. Give me a renewing that starts with you and roots in you. I need balance and I will never achieve it apart from you.

9/10/09
Lord, there have been so many stumbling blocks in my life along the way. I have fallen, gotten up, fallen again and gotten up again. I have been discouraged, overwhelmed,confused, and faithless, but You have been faithful to me. You have kept my foot from slipping. You have comforted my broken heart and wiped away my tears. Without you, where would I be? Lord, my relationship with you and my marriage are the most important things in my life-strengthen my heart, fill my eyes with Your vision for me, and keep me focused on you and my husband. Teach me to sit at your feet and be filled with Your Word and to trust in Your will for my life.

Every devotion, every conversation, every thing I read is pointing my heart back in the direction it should have been all along-towards my very personal relationship with my Heavenly Father, and my very precious relationship with my sweet husband. There is no longer a need for me to validate, or explain, or justify, or defend. I am forgiven in Christ. I am in Christ. In Him there is no condemnation-only grace. In His grace, I will become exactly who He has destined me to be assuming of course that I submit my will to His.

Same Direction

I have been using the few minutes I have in the morning to check mail, read an online devotion, and try to catch up on any blogs I follow. One I follow is a Christian ministry blog with thoughts for the day. With all of that, my devotions, and I have again picked up an Elizabeth George book (Life Management for Busy Women! LOL-been too busy to read it!) and started reading it again, God is directing my heart. I am always amazed how everything works together. The devotions, the thoughts, the book I am reading are all pointing me in the same direction. Isn't God good!!!

http://life-withchrist.blogspot.com/

My minutes are up, and I have to go!

40 Days

I made a trip to Lifeway earlier in the week, and of course had to browse the clearance aisle. I found a Beth Moore devotional journal. Devotional journals are always a hit with me. I like to write and the devotions included serve as prompts to get me thinking. This one is "Get Out of That Pit." Not that I am really in a pit per say, but change is always in order. This one screams lets get to changing. So, I picked it up yesterday to get started. She makes the point that "if we're willing to let truth speak louder than our feelings, and long enough that our feelings finally agree, we can be far more than okay" (pg. 1)

The intro talks about the significance of 40. 40 is the number for testing and trial. It rained for 40 days and nights, and the Israelites wandered for 40 years just to point out 2 examples. It also made me think of the Love Dare which is also a 40 day challenge. God changes people through trials and testings, and apparently 40 is a magic number. It is sure hard to commit to anything for that length of time, but if I can commit then I KNOW that He can change me too.

Here I am at day 2...Day 1 was "Come, Follow Me." The point being in order to follow, I have to leave behind something. I can't follow and hold on to where I was. There is no way I can change and stay the same at the same time. It is one or the other...hmmm...day 2 is "Bondage Blended In." The Scripture is John 5:3-6 about the impotent, blind, and halt waiting by the pool to be healed. A man had been there 38 years in that same condition and had no one to help him down into the pool. There he was, stuck in his own pit. Well...I am older than 38 (shhhh), and it is about time I made some real changes. Pit or no pit, change is necessary so here I go....40 days, only 38 more to go.

New Paths, New Decisions

Got this in my online devotions today...timing was ALL God and had to share! Juggling life is challenging and often what gets left out in my life is my devotional time or much needed time with my husband. Those are the two areas that I am learning to balance correctly. God continues to allow the same situations in my life that I have always struggled with -will I make the same decisions as I did before-the wrong ones, or have I learned to make the right ones!? I don't know, but do know if I don't learn to put God first and Steve second...any decision I make will not be according to God's priorities-they will be according to mine.

August 31, 2009Learning The Hard WayMary Southerland

Today's Truth
"Wherefore be ye not unwise, but understanding what the will of the Lord is."

Ephesians 5:17

Friend To Friend

There is only one thing more painful than learning from experience - and that is not learning from experience. Life is a journey, not a destination. It is through that journey that we are born, broken, changed and shaped. God is big on learning the lessons of life because life is His chosen classroom through which He teaches His children His truth. One of the first and most vital truths we need to learn in our walk with God is obedience.

Truth does not change! We must change in response to the truth! A learned truth is an applied truth and when we apply truth, we are practicing obedience. When we don't learn from our wayward steps, we are doomed to make the same mistakes again, falling back into disobedience. It is like climbing the same old mountain again and again!

Dan served as Youth Pastor for many years in South Florida. Each summer, we took the youth on a mission trip to the mountains of North Carolina where they conducted youth rallies in parks, taught back yard Bible Clubs and held worship services in local churches. Everyone worked hard, but each afternoon was free time. We all piled into a rickety old school bus and headed for the mountains to play. Our favorite mountain activity was tubing. One year a pastor told us about a tubing company tucked up in the mountains on Lake Lure, assuring us that the crowds were small, the price was right and the ride was incredible. Off we went!
We soon discovered why it was such a great deal. You couldn't find the place! We got so completely lost - several times. After two hours of searching, we finally found the tubing company and had a great, but short ride. As we headed back to our hotel, one of the counselors wisely suggested that we write down the directions so that we would have them each year. Great idea!

The next summer, everyone was excited about tubing at our new spot - until we discovered that no one had actually written down the directions - and once again, we got lost, wasting an hour of valuable tubing time. I took matters in hand, grabbed a piece of paper and wrote down detailed directions.

The following summer, we were half way to Lake Lure and the mapped out tubing spot when we discovered that we had indeed documented the directions but had left them at the hotel. Once again, we went around that same old mountain, wasting time and energy until we found the tubing place. I looked at Dan and said, "We must be slow learners!"
I am afraid that our Father looks at us many times and with a broken heart wonders, "Why are they so slow to learn and practice my Truth?" In order to learn the ways of God we have to know the Truth of God. Saturating our lives with Scripture is essential to finding and doing the will of God. The Bible is the road map, the blue print and the ultimate plan for our journey.

As we begin to walk in the right direction we must not only have the right directions for today, we must go back and destroy those paths of yesterday that once led us in the wrong direction. Eliminating wrong choices makes the right choices much easier to make. Some of those old paths are familiar and may be hard to uproot. A friendship may have to be ended. A behavior pattern may have to be changed. A habit may have to be eliminated. But if it leads to sin, if it makes it easier to sin, if it entices or tempts you to sin, run from it now! Don't go around that same old mountain of wrong choices again. Learn the lesson and choose obedience.

Girlfriends in God

P.O. Box 725

Matthews, NC 28106

info@girlfriendsingod.com

www.girlfriendsingod.com

Unexpected Turns

As I am sitting here in my bed just past 6 am with Caitlyn beside me, I realize again and again that life takes unexpected turns. She is just as happy go lucky as she could be, considering she has been up since 4 am. She is alot more chipper with six hours of sleep than I am feeling with my four! Right at this moment, she is in bed with me, watching Mickey Mouse Club...and it has her full attention!

I didn't expect to be spending the last few days before a wedding quite like this....but God knew. Life is full of unexpected turns-you know the kind...You are cruising right along at full speed unaware that just up ahead, just out of sight, there is a bend in the road, and not only are you going to need to slow down, you are going to need to make a turn. Sometimes you have to completely turn around and head in a different direction. This is one of those times.

It has been a moment since I knew what channels were good for kids, or how to juggle household responsibilities and take care of a baby, but I have done it. I did know how once upon a time. I can do this again, but only in God's grace-only through His provision. That is the thing-when I am busy, it sure is hard to find time for my time with God and my "me" time. I know I need both, but squeezing that in...not so easy.

I have been on this road before. I have fallen on my face, not able to handle all that was before me, because I did it instead of allowing God to do it through me. I learned the lesson. I know what I did wrong every time before, but can I get it right this time? Hmmm...don't know....might be why I am on this road again. It isn't all about me, of course, but when God works, He works all around us, so it is about me too. Unexpected turn...it is indeed....but, hey I am flexible. Ahhh...Papaw just came back into the room. He is sitting with Caitlyn in front of him watching Donald Duck! [So sweet...should grab a camera!]

Sticks and Stones

I had a really rough day yesterday as I learned that another family felt the need to attack me. I am not counting at this point, but apparently it is quite sport for my family members who by the way haven't begun to walk a mile in my shoes to stand back in judgment of me. Whoever said sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me wasn't attacked verbally on a regular basis, I am sure of it, because words do hurt. What is so hard about being graceful? What is so hard about letting people live their own lives without spewing vomit all over them? I know...it is easier to point the finger at someone else, criticize them and their choices they are making then it is to look at our own lives and do something about ourselves. I am convinced that if we spent more time looking inward and less time looking outward that we would learn to live in grace, not condemnation.

After a tear filled day, an explosion venting moment which my dear little sister had to endure, some reflection and encouragement from my husband, and time to counsel with another friend of mine who knows all too well what judgment feels like, I have a better perspective. I opened my Bible today to read in Job. I read Job 19:2-4 "How long will ye vex my soul, and break me in pieces with words: These ten times have ye reproached me: ye are not ashamed that ye make yourselves strange to me. And be it indeed that I have erred, mine error remaineth with myself." How encouraged I am with the story of Job. Here he is sitting in sackcloth, having lost everything, completely miserable and instead of his friends and wife encouraging and supporting him, they are standing in judgment...as if they have a clue. I was instantly reminded that God exhorts us not to judge...why not?

We don't have the whole picture. When we judge, when we criticize, we become God. We elevate ourselves to a higher plane. We know better than that. We are smarter than that. I would NEVER do that (be careful with never). If I was in that situation I would do....and on and on and on...as if we have all the knowledge in the world. The things is, we don't. We don't know. We can't always see how the choices we make are going to turn out. We can't always make informed decisions because we don't have enough information. We don't know what we would do given those same set of circumstances. If you are going to judge me, first grow up in an abused home where sexual vulgarity, profanity, degradation, and physical abuse are the norm. Then try to escape that, run away and try to get your footing. Then get married at 17 with no clue on how to be a wife. Get saved and make a decision to live your life for Christ, praying in tears for your lost family. Desire to raise your children to serve the Lord, despite having no home training of your own to go on, no real relationship with your family members, go it alone, just you, your husband and Christ. Do everything you know how to do and then let your children go. Don't forget to struggle with that because letting go is easier said than done. Wrestle with the decisions that need to be made now that they are grown and try to grapple with your faith that is now seriously under fire. Consider abandoning that faith and contemplate what would life be like if you weren't around. Next, get it together, go on with your life, make commitments, decisions, pour your heart into everything you do, just to have your face slapped every time you speak, act, share your heart, or wait....when you actually disagree with someone or won't do what someone thinks you should. Now...when you have done all of that, plus juggling life demands, work, education, friendships, church ministries...and can make the right choice EVERY time, you are in a great place to stand in judgment of me.

Must be why God said judge not, because who else has lived my unique set of life circumstances? Who else has lived yours? And words...should exhort not tear down, lives should be lived in grace. We should be living in grace, extending it to those who least deserve it which certainly includes me.

For those who I know are reading this not because you want to share lives with other people but because you want something to criticize and judge, ...the rest of that verse says, judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. And why beholdest thou the mote that is in my brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye." Matthew 7:1-3

I can certainly testify that the verse is true. I went through the critical, judgmental, holier than thou phase, and I hurt people as a result, and although some I have been able to apologize too, the apologies haven't been accepted, hence doesn't even matter, and now...over and over and over....I am the object of judgment. It serves as a warning....you can keep judging me and criticizing me....but your day is coming, and it is going to be painful. Might want to deal with that beam in your own eye-taking it out is certainly less painful than the alternative.

Be Careful What You Complain About

These past few days have slowed me down considerably-not a bad thing, actually gives me time to ponder and regroup which I have so needed. I actually slept this morning till almost 10:00! I NEVER do that. I was shocked when I stretched, focused my eyes and looked at the alarm clock-9:40! Whoa...I jumped up and got going. :)

After picking up a bit (one of those things I do while I am waking up), putting a few things away, getting dressed, making the bed, and ordering our bedroom, I got my Bible out and crawled into my big comfy chair in my bedroom. I LOVE that chair, and I LOVE the room. It is calming. So....pull my Bible out, read a devotional on the names of God and browsed through some I had previously read. I looked over some verses I have written out, and reached for my journal. I don't always journal. I like to write, and journaling focuses my heart and mind, but sometimes I am in too big of a spin to even focus long enough to do that-and that would certainly characterize my life lately. Today, I flipped through the pages to see what I had written over the past year or so. By the way...the journal I am writing in right now was given to me for Christmas in 2005 by one of my sweet sisters-the adopted variety (and you know who you are! :)

I sit there a bit reading through various entries and noticing the dates-just pondering what was going in my life at that moment. The day before the flood last year, I talked to God about the chaos, the noise, and the conflicts in my life...LOL....so that is what I THOUGHT was chaos...the next day, real chaos hit fast and furious. How short sighted I am!

The funniest one, and I am still laughing was an entry on March 28, 2008. Here is the entry:

Lord, not a great idea to start my day off angry, but I am. My husband's priorities are not my priorities-He never wants to do anything on the house. When it comes to the house-he says we don't have any money.

That is all I wrote that day, which is unusual for me. I usually ramble and ramble. I don't know what I was mad about, or what I wanted that he didn't want to give me. I have no idea, but I am guessing that graduation was just over a month and a half away, and I was getting ready for a house full of people. Since I tend to be a bit anal about that, I was probably trying to make some last minute repairs, paint...etc...and he didn't want to.

Wow...be careful what you ask for, or should I say complain about, because now the house is at the center of both our priorities. All we do is work on the house, together, all the time! Not only is that the case, it gets all of our extra resources! We spend $100's every week repairing the flood damage, upgrading, and redecorating this house. Last year, I was trying to get him to want to help repair the house; this year, I would like to QUIT repairing the house, do something else, and spend our money somewhere else!!!!! Yep...still laughing....wonder if God is laughing with me?

Faithfulness

That has to be my most coveted character quality. It is the one that most testifies to me who God is. He is faithful, all of the time...not just once in awhile or when I deserve it, but ALL the time. I am so thankful He is faithful, and that His faithfulness is not tied to my faithfulness. I am not always faithful, but I want to be. My husband, however, has a remarkable sense of faithfulness. It is probably one of his strongest qualities...at least it is the one I admire the most.

One of the things that impressed me the most about Jon was his faithfulness. I am thankful that he too has that quality, and that Katherine responded to a man that has the same qualities as her dad.

Haven't Arrived

"Sometimes life's concerns can deafen our spiritual "ears." Before reading Scripture, ask God to help you hear and understand what He's saying. As you believe and obey, your spiritual hearing will become more acute, and your time in the Word will be an intimate conversation with the Lord. "

July 24, 2009The Living Word Hebrews 4:12-13
In Touch with Charles Stanley

How God speaks right where we are at never ceases to amaze me. I breeze through all these online devotions more than I read and consider them, especially lately. I was so tired yesterday and so overwhelmed that I sat down to read my Bible and not a word was sticking. All I could do was tell God how overwhelmed I was. I had no idea how I was going to make it through the day ahead of me....actually I am pretty amazed I made it to Friday, because the week wasn't looking to positive on Monday.

Went to the prison ministry yesterday after a very stressful morning, trying to organize ministry stuff and get all my homework done for class that night. I was looking at a very full day! I was tired before I ever got to the ministry and concerned about a situation that needed to be dealt with. I had no idea how to approach it in a way that encouraged instead of discouraged. Dealing with that had kept my mind swimming for days already.

I have focus problems...when things get too big for me to carry in my mind-nothing else gets any of my mental attention. I can't read my Bible and get anything out of it, and I can't pray except in bursts. That frustrates me greatly because I know that is exactly what I need more than anything else, but my OCD gets in my way and keeps me focused in the wrong direction. I have been pretty deaf Spiritually this past week or so, and it shows! My attitude is negative. I am frustrated with everything. I feel powerless and want to do absolutely nothing but crawl into bed.

And to think...just a few weeks ago I was talking to my husband about how God was working "balance" in my life. The very thing I have been struggling with and covet above all else...to achieve balance...where God is first (always), Steve is next (always) and everything else somewhere below that...nope...I haven't arrived yet. This week my circumstances and the demands of my life took center stage and everything else took a number...back up again, Tina, start over.

Good Gifts

It is like Christmas here every day! What fun we are having as the wedding details come together, items ordered arrive, and we pick up other items which are being personalized. This was the day we were to pick up the etched glassware. I didn't go with Kat to order in any of that so I had no idea what to expect. Katherine decided with the people at the shop what was going to go on her flutes, her vases, and her sand vase. Her and I had tossed around ideas but ultimately I knew the professionals were more qualified than I to help with that.

We were blown away by how gorgeous every thing is....and I mean GORGEOUS!

We left there and headed to Hobby Lobby, an almost daily venture as we attempt to get what we need on clearance! Today was success...flowers back on sale along with miscellaneous wedding items. We finished off the flowers and bought some tulle. That, ribbon, and bubbles are about what we are down to. (Yea) We finished all of that and after another detour came home. There was a box waiting-the fans came in! The fans didn't come assembled which is a plus, because we can run the backs through the printer to put the program on them! Told you....like Christmas.

It sure is hard to envision all the elements functioning as a whole. When we started the house reconstruction, that alone overwhelmed me. How would these colors work together, the textures, the details...it worked individually, would it work as a whole? Planning a wedding is like that too. Colors were chosen first, then design elements, flowers, what kind of decorations, dress and tuxes, flower girls and ring bearers outfits, all the little details that bring each of those individuals elements together in such a way to create a unique whole. Would it all work together?

In our house construction, and in our wedding planning, we are getting to see the finished product. The details in the house are gorgeous. Everytime we finish something, I stand back amazed that it all worked. I love the work we are doing, and I am loving the end product. The details of this wedding are gorgeous too. Words don't even capture how every part is contributing to the whole, how every detail reflects Katherine. Her personality is all over the place!

All of that brings me to another conclusion. As people, we are a conglomerate of our experiences: our childhood, the consequences of choices made, other people we encounter and the interactions we experience with them, our extended family and our friends, what we read, what we spend our energies on....all contribute to the whole. As an individual we also contribute to another whole, our families first, and then on a Spiritual level, to our church families. We complement one another, we serve one another, we are all important elements contributing to the whole. Although, we don't often get to see how it all comes together. We may never see a finished product.

Good gifts...every good gift comes down from Heaven (James). The best gifts, the gifts that matter, they don't come from catalogues, or department stores. They don't arrive in the mail. They come directly from God Himself! One of those gifts-love-and not just any love, but agape, true, unconditional love, is what marriage reflects. The kind of love that believes, bears, and NEVER fails comes directly from God! It is a good gift He expressed to us in sacrificing Jesus Christ for payment of our sin. We are able to love because He first loved us (I John). Thank you God for those good gifts!

Memory Lane

This past weekend, we finished our bedroom (yippee!) and went to the storage unit to get a few boxes of stuff which had originally come out of our room. The room is just amazing....it is just how I envisioned it, very relaxing, open and airy feeling, like a beach. The beach has always been the place where I felt the majesty of my Lord. I would sit and watch the surf, listen to the sounds, take in the sights, and just be awed by who God is. The feeling never got old, and always settled me down into an attitude of calmness and peace.

Our room captures some of that, and after a year of not being in our own space, I am so thankful for it.

Our stuff has been stored now for nearly a year and a half. I have completely forgotten what we own and obviously haven't missed much of it. I opened our boxes to discover a completely different life. I was flooded with pink and green-ugh...what was I thinking back then!? In the midst of all of that, I also came across books, journals, mementos which represented periods of our life together. One of those was a bell. Way back when, in a time long long ago and very far away, I collected bells. Steve bought me my first one in our early days of marriage. That one had a unicorn and rainbow on it. It has long since been lost, but my collection did grow for awhile until it no longer interested me at all. When we moved to this house, I got rid of all but two. I kept one of the first ones he bought me. It was a Franklin Mint with a butterfly and flowers on it. (I was also into butterflies). I unwrapped that one this morning to discover it in pieces. I fought back tears. So much has been lost this past year or so, and every broken thing reminds me of what was, what used to be, who we were just a short time ago.

In another box, I found journals. Journals which captured our heart for so many years. I picked up the ones I journal in to my boys and the one Steve journaled in for awhile. (Sometimes I journal in Steve's to him). Bible studies, books on marriage, Bibles in all sizes filled those boxes. I picked up a book I don't remember. I must have gotten it from my pastor when I was doing a paper on Elohim for an Old Testament class I took. The book is called "Learning to Worship HIS NAME." The front page has lists and lists of the names of God.

Today, my trip down memory lane saddened me at the loses, but also encouraged me with the victories. I am glad we aren't who we were. I am glad that what once was important no longer is. I am glad for God's tempering of us both. I am thankful God has allowed these storms, these obstacles, these transitions in our life so we both could grow into the people God has desired us to become. So...Jesus...bring the rain...bring whatever it takes to make me more like you. Thank you Lord, that you are: Jehovah (Lord, the one above all else ), El-Shaddai (God Almighty), Adonai (Lord, the owner of my soul), Jehovah-Jireh (Provider), Jehovah-Rophe (Healer) , Elohim( God who keeps covenant), Jehovah-Shaloam (Peace), El Rohi (The Lord my Shepherd), Petra (My Rock) , Pistos (Faithful), and Amnos (the Lamb who shed His blood for me).

Valleys

"Notwithstanding the Lord stood with me, and strenghthened me..." II Timothy 4:17a

Oh how I need strength right now! The battles have been fierce-add that to an already tumultuous schedule, too much to do physically in the window it needs to be done, and the valley ever widens.

Sometimes it seriously feels like we are alone in this journey. My head tells my heart otherwise, but there are days when it is hard to tell who will get the victory-head or heart. My heart, the feeling part that never seems to shut up, reminds me of things said, things done, pain inflicted by me and on me, struggles for identity, searching for God's will, and mostly aloneness-until someone needs me....and then I am surrounded. When my heart is in control-I feel isolated, unloved, as if no one really cares about me and what I am going through. I feel like the world is crashing in, and I am without power to make a bit of difference in anyone's life-let alone keep mine heading in the right direction. When my head has control, the part that trusts God and knows truth. My will spurs me forward, trusting, believing, not seeing, not expecting anything in return, but knowing God knows and He sees.

Hence the conflict...I feel alone, although I am not. I feel as if I just can't take another step, yet, I know God can give me strength to get through. I want to quit, my God calls out to faint not. It feels like it doesn't matter-but I know it does. And here I find myself...wrestling with emotion and truth down in this valley, looking for a way to get back up on the mountain top.

Come Apart-Rest Awhile

"Abraham Lincoln spoke wisely when he said; "I reckon that people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." You, and not someone else, choose how you will react to what life throws at you."

Yep, Yep, Yep....and life has been dishing it out lately. Today, I am absolutely exhausted, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. These battles have been fierce, and I have to come away to rest awhile.

I really struggled with what to do today. It is prison ministry today, and all week I was expecting I would go with one of our ladies. Both are unable to go today so what to do, what to do. I am loaning my vehicle out which means I am sharing with my daughter. She has to work today so there would of been a vehicle shuffle...not a real problem..but then I was in no way ready to teach today. I didn't even have an inkling of what to teach. I lay there last night and this morning thinking and praying and asking , "God, what do I do?" I can go by myself, I can teach, I can juggle vehicles, but what do I teach, and what do you want me to do?"

I was instantly reminded of the lesson I did last time about discipleship. My mind went right to the disciples reporting back to Jesus after they had been out ministering to the people: healing, preaching Jesus, etc. They had no time so much as to eat, the Bible says, and Jesus told them to come away and rest. I then remembered something one of my pastors used to say quite a bit-you teach from the overflow. If you are empty-nothing to give. I am definitely empty. I have been ministering, encouraging, praying, talking about Jesus, clarifying what salvation means to all those God has put in my life....and today....it is time to come apart and rest.

I opened up an online devotion and read Abraham Lincoln's quote....too easy to lose focus in the business....too easy to forget how much I need God. Without Him...I don't have anything to give.

Which is Harder?

Not sure what has been more exhausting lately, all the physical demands on me or the spiritual burdens I have been weighed down with? Hmmm...maybe the combination thereof. The past few weeks have been full of conflict as my extended family struggles with a variety of situations. I have been praying for my family for so long...so long....and to see God work in our lives is just incredible. I often take life for granted-not connecting that all that is before me is God at work. Right now, I would have to be blind not to get it!

My sisters and a brother live here near me right now....a first in our family history. With that proximity has come new problems. We are getting to know each other really for the first time in our lives, we are learning to communicate, we are learning to live with each other and let each other live...at least that is what I am learning. (Probably shouldn't speak for my siblings). Those concepts are not the easiest go get a handle on in the best of circumstances, and I dare say, our circumstances don't qualify for "best."

My sisters have spent a lot of time with me the last few weeks, giving my brother a much needed break. The past six months were quite different. They were with him pretty much 24/7 while my immediate family did our thing. That has been alot for my brother to carry (after all he has his own family and own life too), and now it is my turn. We are in a better place now to be of help, but still...trying...when we have a house to reconstruct....and our space is limited. My goodness...been trying for two weeks to finish painting our bedroom so we can move into it!

I just finished reading I Corninthians, and as I read that book, I realized that just as the church is made up of many members all having a variety of functions and gifts, a family too is made up of a variety of members-all very different. Together we can exhort and encourage each other to be the best we can be, apart, the burdens are heavier. Family is sweet, Church family is sweeter! Not all of my family knows the Lord, and of those, not all are Spiritually mature which means those of us who are have to carry more. That is true in Church too...and how thankful I am for my brothers and sisters in Christ who help me carry what is difficult at times to carry alone.

Physically...so much to do and not enough hours to do it in. House keeps coming to a standstill, and time is ticking away until my daughter's wedding. The stress of that can be suffocating. It is hard to deal with too...then I ask myself...what is really important here? All of it is important, but in varying degrees at varying times. Today....the Spiritual is more important, because the house is temporal...Lives are at stake in the Spiritual ream....the house will be waiting when the Spiritual settles down a bit.

When I Pray...

This week has been one of those weeks that testifies that I am on the right track. You know the kind when you are making decisions, praying about direction, seeking to find God's will, and in the midst of that the sky begins to fall...not little rain droplets, not a summer drizzle, or a gentle refreshing kind of shower. Nope, not what I am talking about. I am talking about a full blown flash flood downpoor!

I left Dallas with new resolve. I have been doing these Bible correspondence courses that we are offering to the inmates we minister to. While in Dallas, I finished several including one on Prayer. One of the points the author makes during the study is that we should begin our prayers seeking God's plans and purposes for our life. My prayer life has been one of those areas I wrestle with. I tend to pray on the go alot, shooting up a praise or request in the midst of doing everyday tasks: grocery shopping, looking for a parking place, answering a question during a conversation, even as I lay down to sleep and rise in the morning. I don't however spend the time on my knees in intense one on one with God alone prayer. I covet that time. My heart yearns for that intense relationship with my Lord, but my world pulls at me drawing my attention else where.

Having that burden led me to discuss where my heart is with my husband. We discussed and began praying about a new direction for our life. My heart isn't completely in all that I am doing, but my heart is with the jail ministry. God has been doing an amazing work there through our Bible correspondence course. I have lost count as to how many women have completed at least one of those courses.

All of that brings me to my week. I was teaching two weeks on discipleship. Our pastor hit the topic this past Sunday giving me several more verses to consider and some additional points. I knew that today I would be teaching on what it costs to follow Christ and the difference between salvation and discipleship. I also knew where God was leading my heart in other areas of my life. The week started out fine with a girls' night out and shopping spree for wedding items. We had a great time and accomplished alot. Tuesday morning a conflict arose quite unexpectedly throwing me off balance Spiritually. That conflict continued through Wed. leaving me quite inattentive to Wed. night's sermon. I knew I had to get home and get my lesson ready to go, but I still had to wrap up some correspondence material. By the time church was over, I was so achey. My left hand was about useless, and oh...forgot to mention...we had an outbreak of ringworm, took the kitten to the vet, began treatment, and our a/c condensor unit froze up (all before Wed.). I get home, take a bath, take some meds, make coffee, and sit down to work on the materials. I hang till just after 10 and then I am just done. I head to bed.

I wake up early Thursday, not feeling any better. I laid in bed praying for God to multiply my time and get my heart and mind ready to teach. I get up, get coffee, sit down with my Bible and computer, and can't focus my eyes. It took me a minute, but then I was up. I spent the morning fighting my computer to get my lesson typed, pick up, did household chores, and got ready to go. By the grace of God I made it.

I was feeling a bit whiney after lunch and knew my attitude was not where it needed to be. I prayed. We got to the jail-went in-attendance was low and my attitude was still not in check. I dived in and realized I had forgotten to pray. I prayed, and as I did, my heart calmed and focused. The lesson went amazingly well in the first pod and off to second pod. That one took an interesting detour. Right at the beginning of the lesson, a question arose. I knew where it was going and again prayed. God gave me the answers, the attitude, the ability to recall verses to support what I was saying, and I knew God was there. It was very real.

I got home to find a houseful and my daughter in a not so good mood. She was struggling-teachable moment. I crawled in behind her, hugged her, talked to her, encouraged her, and prayed.

My sister had a conflict during the evening...one that is going to be trying for all of us, but we got busy, and now...gonna pray.

My, my....what God wants to do in our lives...if I will only pray....It is when I pray that I see God move heaven and earth...it is when we pray that the real work of God is being done. When we pray we see God change hearts, heal brokeness, bring restoration, and provide our every need of our hearts and lives. If prayer is the solution, prayerlessness might be the problem!

Oh Rats! Am I stuck?

I could seriously share some rat stories...one of the side effects of rebuilding a house in a rat haven! My greatest fear when we began this project was that the open walls and floors would be an open invitation to every critter known to mankind...and it has certainly not hindered some of them from coming in.

The other night Steve and I were eating dinner after church, sitting on the couch watching a House episode. We had just finished, were talking, just kind of relaxing for a sec when we heard this funny squeak. It got my attention and I sat up. I sat still to listen for it again, and then he heard it. It occurred to both of us what it was and we sat up to look behind the couch. Right behind us (for God knows how long) was a baby rat caught in a sticky trap.

He looked so innocent and helpless. I really felt bad for him. They don't die instantly in a sticky trap, they are just stuck. We discovered through our other adventures that they like chocolate, hence, all the traps have chocolate on them. Watching him try to get loose, and cry because he couldn't, really grabbed my heart. If he wasn't a rat, and me not, I would have wanted to save him.

In my mind, I made a connection. Here he was, very young, lured into this trap by a piece of chocolate, and now he was doomed. Isn't that exactly what happens every day in the life of believers? Something is so tempting, calling us to go down a road we shouldn't be on, away from the safety of God's Word and presence. If we submit to the temptation then the trap has us. We are stuck in situations we can't get out of. We are trapped by the lure of that piece of chocolate. This baby rat could have found something to eat somewhere outside in his own habitat and still be alive, but he went out searching in an area full of danger, and he was caught. Day after day, moment after moment is full of parallel temptations for us. We want that piece of chocolate, and it is in a place of danger. Sometimes the trap leads to death and/or destruction. We realize that the moment we are trapped, but it is too late. Once we are stuck, we are stuck, and it is over.

Not any smarter than the rat, not any more able to discern the consequence before we are stuck. The lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world...all pass away, but he that doeth the will of God abideth forever! (I John 2:16-17)

What to choose...taking a bite of the "chocolate" which leads to bondage and possibly death, or life?

Just Clay

We hit our one year anniversary of "The Flood." We are definitely going to review our life in terms of before the flood and after the flood. At the anniversary, we have our breakfast room finished, the office finished, and four more rooms plus hall ready to be floored. We still have the guest room, the den, and bathrooms to do. Despite the work before us, I am praising God we are in the after flood stage, even if I couldn't have known the after stage would be so life changing and so ongoing.

Yesterday, my pastor preached an amazing message. He is a phenomenal preacher/teacher any way-really a master teacher. There is no doubt he has the gift of teaching. He preached on the potter and the clay, but prefaced the sermon with a text from Jeremiah where God tells Jeremiah to go to the potter's house. Our pastor took us to the potter's house via a video. The video played behind him during the entire sermon. We witnessed the potter forming the clay, cutting away unnecessary parts, shaping, and reshaping to create what we couldn't see in the beginning. His point-isn't that what God is doing in our lives? He is forming us, cutting away to open up the insides, making bowls, vases, etc...vessels...for HIS use. He has a plan for us, HIS plan, and He works out HIS plan in our life. That plan means HE has to get rid of what is unnecessary.

I look at my life in light of that and wonder what HE is doing. I know that this year has been a cutting away, clearing out, and there is no doubt my Potter is molding this hunk of clay.

Seeing Differently

It is such a beautiful thing to watch what God is doing around me. It is never what I think should be happening in any way remotely similar to what I would have done. I am often very thankful God is God and I am not!

I love hearing testimony! Change is not easy, it is painful. Pruning hurts. Our life took a radical turn a year ago when our house flooded. Our pastor told us we are going to be able to divide our life into pre-flood days and post-flood. He is so right. What mattered immensely during the pre-flood barely gets a blip on my radar now. The house is in so much chaos all the time. Chaos is not my strength and how I have done this, only the Lord knows. I get so excited for a little light in this rather dark tunnel. My breakfast room is almost done...that comes as my hubbie chased a rat under the pantry wall this morning. Rats are not inhibited when there are holes in the wall and open access to the house. My daughter just popped her head in and told me there was a rat in the sticky trap this morning. She took it in and went back to bed. There was a day when that sight would have ignited a hysterical fit in her and I! I almost felt sorry for the rat, but not quite!

I often remember my friend telling me at the onset of this adventure that what is going on in our physical life parallels what God is doing with us spiritually. Her assessment was that I had too much clutter in my life, and it needed to go. She didn't mean that in the sense I don't clean house, but in the sense that there is too much stuff going on all the time, and something needs to go. Remodeling the house has closed other doors. We are less on the go, more able to say "no, we can't do that." We never said no before. At the same time, what we say yes to has changed. We have gained tools and skills that we feel is God-given and want to be available to use those skills. We say yes to those we know God has put in our lives at this time and at this moment. I don't know when or where the end is, what it means, or how I will view all of this when I am looking back on this period of my life. I know I will be changed. I know I am already seeing things differently, and prayerfully, I will learn to see through God's eyes...what is important to Him, what His goals are, His purposes, and be able to set my will aside to pursue His will for me!