New Directions

Same message that God has been dealing with me from the beginning...but because I have a free will, I don't always choose to structure my life according to God's plan for me. The result is never pretty-usually disasterous; Not sure why it takes me so long to order my steps God's direction instead of my own!

Day 9 of my Beth Moore study Get Out of That Pit. At the end of each day there is a prayer journaling section. When I started this on Sept. 2, I had no idea I was in a pit! It is becoming painfuly clear that my definition of a pit was not in line with the author's definition. I now know I have been trudging along in the same muck and mire for some time now. One of my sons described me as mentally unhealthy...that has been my catch phrase since....mostly because I HAD to look that up to see if I fit the bill (what else do you do when someone you love levels a charge like that against you.) I don't in a physical sense have the symptons at all, ok..there is a tendency towards OCD, but even in a medical sense, I don't have that. (hmmm...maybe we could all learn something about making one sided judgment calls and listening to ungodly voices tugging at our heart and distorting truth-which I don't know anyone who isn't guilty of), but in a Spiritual sense, he might be on to something. My thoughts, my priorities, my life hasn't completely lined up with God's direction for my life. Not that I haven't been trying to live my life according to God's Word-I have, but doing it my way or rather what seems right in my eyes has set my feet on the wrong path way too many times now. That certainly falls under the caterogy of Spiritually unhealthy.

This week I have been home with Caitlyn while everyone else is at work. It has been an opportunity for me to have down time. I am busy, don't get me wrong, but during her morning nap, I am stopping my bustling around to sit with God and read my devotions. This morning I did a bit of snatch reading at the table while she was eating, and caught a few online devotions while she was watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. All of those moments are redirecting my thougths and in turn my heart. I realized yesterday that I was in no way close to the forgiveness stage-still in the anger, bitter, resentment stage. Forgiveness is a work of grace, and it may take a moment for God to work that out in me. I am angry in my heart and all the masking of it by day to day living doesn't change a thing.

After I journaled my prayer today, I looked back at day 1. What was I thinking when I started just over a week ago? Here is where I was a week ago, and where I am today.

9/2/09
Lord, I know I have been lower than I am right now. This is not a pit of despair, or a faith struggle, but a place of reprioritizing, My priorities aren't your priorities. My life isn't reflecting you-at least not all of my heart attitudes and what takes precedence in my daily life. I need you and only you to have the pre-Eminence in my every day. Lord, change my heart, change my focus. Give me a renewing that starts with you and roots in you. I need balance and I will never achieve it apart from you.

9/10/09
Lord, there have been so many stumbling blocks in my life along the way. I have fallen, gotten up, fallen again and gotten up again. I have been discouraged, overwhelmed,confused, and faithless, but You have been faithful to me. You have kept my foot from slipping. You have comforted my broken heart and wiped away my tears. Without you, where would I be? Lord, my relationship with you and my marriage are the most important things in my life-strengthen my heart, fill my eyes with Your vision for me, and keep me focused on you and my husband. Teach me to sit at your feet and be filled with Your Word and to trust in Your will for my life.

Every devotion, every conversation, every thing I read is pointing my heart back in the direction it should have been all along-towards my very personal relationship with my Heavenly Father, and my very precious relationship with my sweet husband. There is no longer a need for me to validate, or explain, or justify, or defend. I am forgiven in Christ. I am in Christ. In Him there is no condemnation-only grace. In His grace, I will become exactly who He has destined me to be assuming of course that I submit my will to His.

Lessons Learned

My mother-in-law had hip replacement surgery two weeks ago now. My husband and I had decided we definitely were going to be there for that and we were. We arrived very late on a Tuesday night for her surgery which was scheduled the following Wed. morning, very early might I add! We went to bed at midnightish and got up at fourish...ouch!

All went well with the surgery and the next day physical therapy started. She asked me to be her coach so I went along with her, listened, and followed instructions. We spent the next several days running back and forth to the hospital, hanging out in the hospital, visiting and encouraging her, and of course, going to therapy. I am so glad we were there. Her husband just couldn't handle being up at a hospital all day and without us, she would have spent much of her time by herself.

Steve left Sunday to return home, and I stayed for another week. My mother-in-law is very independent. I wasn't sure if I was going to be in her way more than a help to her, but I jumped in anyway hoping I could encourage her. It was such a sweet time to get to know her on a different level. She had to lay down most of the day which left her alone in her bedroom. I would crawl up in bed next to her. We did or should I say attempted to do some puzzles together, and we talked. (I did master my first sudoku!!!) She talked about her life, some her early experiences, and I talked about me, about my life. There were a few tense moments when the situation was suffocating to her-this strong independent woman who needed help dressing and taking a shower...but...despite the stress and tension between her and her husband....it was such a learning experience for me.

I not only had a great time with her, but had some funny moments with my father-in-law. He is sure a character...and that is putting it mildly! Not enough room here to to talk about all of that!

I had a lot of time to myself which I took advantage of reading two books and catching up on some Bible studies I was working on! I haven't finished two books in a week for as long as I can remember. One I was reading was Sheet Music. It is a Christian marriage intimacy book which my husband read earlier this year. (a little graphic and not sure I agreed with everything, but I would still recommend it for the points the author makes.) This was a good time for me to read and gain insight on how to better our relationship. After all, empty nest is right around the corner.

I came home with a renewed focus on my marriage, a new commitment for my life, a new resolve to achieving balance in my life, and last but not least....a new appreciation for the woman my mother-in-law is!

Individualism and Yada Yada!

How important it is to be an individual-not a copy of someone or something! It is an amazing thing to think not two of us are identical in every way, not even twins. God knew that when He created each one of us. If He created us to be individuals, and works in us as individuals, why would He want us to be just like anyone else??? I LOVE that about our God. I LOVE seeing that freedom in people, that comfortableness with themselves and other people around them. I LOVE being in unknown situations where everyone is at ease. That isn't always easy for me. Sometimes the situation just feels awkward, something is hanging in the air, something non tangible, but nevertheless there. One of my goals in my home is to make it as user friendly as possible; a place where people can feel comfortable being themselves. Sometimes I nail that and admittedly, sometimes I don't. I am very glad for when I do! I LOVE it when I am free to be myself and those around me also have that freedom!

I am reading the Yada Yada series which is about a white suburban Christian family who moved to inner city Chicago to be involved in inter-racial ministries. The wife and main character, Jodi, is a teacher who gets involved in this women's conference and prayer group consisting of women from diverse nationalities and religious backgrounds. One is a messianic Jew, several are African or African-American, there is a Japanese college student, a Honduran, a white yuppie, and an ex-con raising her younger brothers. The mix teaches each one how valuable it is to see life through someone else's eyes. Jodi is learning alot about herself from the other women in her group. She is developing a real touchable faith, which is quite different from religion. I find myself identifying with Jodi. It sure is easy to be religious. It is much more difficult to live a life committed to the truth of what I believe and be completely comfortable with that in myself and with others who don't necessary believe like I do. It is a challenge to live in grace and extend grace! I am loving this series and highly recommend it! Take a peek, bet you love it too!

http://www.amazon.com/Yada-Prayer-Group-Book/dp/1591450748

Next Book on the Reading List

http://www.maxlucado.net/shopping6.00/shopexd.asp?id=25779

Thinking this is going to be the next book on my reading schedule! I love Max Lucado...he writes on a Biblical topic in such a readable way that you have to stand back and go "ah." The online devotions I get from him have been excerts from this book. It is a book about Biblical personalities, and I am interested!

Hmmm..should finish Jumping Ship, the Lewis Carroll collection, and a new one by Emily Barnes I just picked up-Life Management for Busy Women (yep....that one sounds curious!). I do confess-I read several books at one time...which is probably weird to some, but because they aren't 'novels,' and cover totally different things, it is possible.

I snatch read, a little here and a little there. I am usually reading something classic and something about Christian living at any one time. Sometime during my chaotic day, I try to crawl into my private sanctuary-usually the bathtub, and slide right into another world.