Repentance?

Many years ago I had this argument with a dear Christian friend of mine. We had been thicker than thieves, and then we both changed churches. We were sitting under different pastors and in different ministries. Our pastors taught repentance from two different angles. Some where in there we disagreed about what it means to repent, and we parted ways. I struggled with that for a long time-that our friendship wasn't able to endure a simple disagreement. I realized (after some time) that not all relationships are meant to last a lifetime. Some are just for that moment. That was one of those relationships.

I wondered after our rift if I was wrong. I second guess myself alot, sit and ponder, think through situations from different angles and perspectives, try to get a handle on what God says about it, and of course try to put myself in the shoes of people I highly respect-wondering...what would they think or feel if they were here.

Years have gone by now and sermon after sermon has confirmed that I wasn't wrong about what repentance is. The importance of repentance has become very real in my life. The ladies in the prison we minister to have a real problem understanding what it means to repent, hence why they are in and out of jail as often as they are. Not understanding repentance affects so many relationships especially our relationship with our Heavenly Father. Saying I am sorry amounts to little less than words if our heart isn't really sorrowful. There is such a difference in being sorry for hurting some one's feelings, or getting caught doing something, or forgetting a birthday, or being a lousy friend, brother, sister, mother, wife...and actually changing our heart about it in a way that changes our actions.

I was so upset yesterday and way into the night about my life...the disillusionment that comes from unfulfilled dreams and expectations. These circumstances keep teaching me what it means to not repent. Then this morning I was working on a Bible correspondence course for the prison ministry and reading about repentance. The course defines repentance as " a sincere heart sorrow for sin that lead a person to turn from his sins to God do do His will." It is a change of heart, change of mind, that turns us away from following our own will and following the truth of God's Word. So much of the time I want my way, what I think is right not just for me, but for others I really love. It grieves me in such a big way to know someone is on the wrong road, or getting ready to step onto the wrong road-roads that lead to destruction. ( I am sure that is how my friend felt when she thought I was headed the wrong way) I have been on those roads. I have walked straight into the big flashing signs "DANGER AHEAD" not heeding, not grasping the consequences. Since it is true that we reap what we sow. Here I am reaping what I sowed an entire lifetime ago.

Lord, so many times I don't truly repent. My heart is pricked, but I don't step out in obedience to you. I say I am sorry, but don't change a thing. You call my heart to prayer, and I go about my business as if your call is unimportant. Lord, change my heart. Change me.