Same message that God has been dealing with me from the beginning...but because I have a free will, I don't always choose to structure my life according to God's plan for me. The result is never pretty-usually disasterous; Not sure why it takes me so long to order my steps God's direction instead of my own!
Day 9 of my Beth Moore study Get Out of That Pit. At the end of each day there is a prayer journaling section. When I started this on Sept. 2, I had no idea I was in a pit! It is becoming painfuly clear that my definition of a pit was not in line with the author's definition. I now know I have been trudging along in the same muck and mire for some time now. One of my sons described me as mentally unhealthy...that has been my catch phrase since....mostly because I HAD to look that up to see if I fit the bill (what else do you do when someone you love levels a charge like that against you.) I don't in a physical sense have the symptons at all, ok..there is a tendency towards OCD, but even in a medical sense, I don't have that. (hmmm...maybe we could all learn something about making one sided judgment calls and listening to ungodly voices tugging at our heart and distorting truth-which I don't know anyone who isn't guilty of), but in a Spiritual sense, he might be on to something. My thoughts, my priorities, my life hasn't completely lined up with God's direction for my life. Not that I haven't been trying to live my life according to God's Word-I have, but doing it my way or rather what seems right in my eyes has set my feet on the wrong path way too many times now. That certainly falls under the caterogy of Spiritually unhealthy.
This week I have been home with Caitlyn while everyone else is at work. It has been an opportunity for me to have down time. I am busy, don't get me wrong, but during her morning nap, I am stopping my bustling around to sit with God and read my devotions. This morning I did a bit of snatch reading at the table while she was eating, and caught a few online devotions while she was watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. All of those moments are redirecting my thougths and in turn my heart. I realized yesterday that I was in no way close to the forgiveness stage-still in the anger, bitter, resentment stage. Forgiveness is a work of grace, and it may take a moment for God to work that out in me. I am angry in my heart and all the masking of it by day to day living doesn't change a thing.
After I journaled my prayer today, I looked back at day 1. What was I thinking when I started just over a week ago? Here is where I was a week ago, and where I am today.
9/2/09
Lord, I know I have been lower than I am right now. This is not a pit of despair, or a faith struggle, but a place of reprioritizing, My priorities aren't your priorities. My life isn't reflecting you-at least not all of my heart attitudes and what takes precedence in my daily life. I need you and only you to have the pre-Eminence in my every day. Lord, change my heart, change my focus. Give me a renewing that starts with you and roots in you. I need balance and I will never achieve it apart from you.
9/10/09
Lord, there have been so many stumbling blocks in my life along the way. I have fallen, gotten up, fallen again and gotten up again. I have been discouraged, overwhelmed,confused, and faithless, but You have been faithful to me. You have kept my foot from slipping. You have comforted my broken heart and wiped away my tears. Without you, where would I be? Lord, my relationship with you and my marriage are the most important things in my life-strengthen my heart, fill my eyes with Your vision for me, and keep me focused on you and my husband. Teach me to sit at your feet and be filled with Your Word and to trust in Your will for my life.
Every devotion, every conversation, every thing I read is pointing my heart back in the direction it should have been all along-towards my very personal relationship with my Heavenly Father, and my very precious relationship with my sweet husband. There is no longer a need for me to validate, or explain, or justify, or defend. I am forgiven in Christ. I am in Christ. In Him there is no condemnation-only grace. In His grace, I will become exactly who He has destined me to be assuming of course that I submit my will to His.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
New Directions
Same Direction
I have been using the few minutes I have in the morning to check mail, read an online devotion, and try to catch up on any blogs I follow. One I follow is a Christian ministry blog with thoughts for the day. With all of that, my devotions, and I have again picked up an Elizabeth George book (Life Management for Busy Women! LOL-been too busy to read it!) and started reading it again, God is directing my heart. I am always amazed how everything works together. The devotions, the thoughts, the book I am reading are all pointing me in the same direction. Isn't God good!!!
http://life-withchrist.blogspot.com/
My minutes are up, and I have to go!
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Out of Brokenness
"He knew every tear I cried and out of those tears and brokenness has come the most effective and powerful chapter of my life! I have discovered that the more we are broken, the more we are used - because of grace. "
I was telling my friend, Kayla, the other day that getting my devotions in right now is a little tough. My day revolves around Caitlyn, and I haven't quite mastered my time management yet. When she is sleeping, I am scrambling to clean up and do those things I can't do when she is awake-like take a shower! Kayla said to do them online. Good idea considering I get several online devotions. I have been taking a bit of extra time to browse through those. This morning while Caitlyn was in my bed watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, I read my online devotions-a line from which I quoted at the beginning. I grabbed my Bible and read Psalm 40:1-3
"I waited patiently for the Lord; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry. He brought me up also out an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings. And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear and shall trust in the Lord."
I woke up early this morning before Caitlyn woke up. I got my coffee and my Beth Moore. I have been working to stay faithful with that series, and up until yesterday was holding my own. Some days I squeeze it in while she is sleeping, other days I can't get it done till bedtime. Last night was one of those bedtime moments, but Caitlyn would not go to sleep. We were trying to settle her down so her mom could get a good night's sleep before starting her first day of work-no success. Her mom ended up having to drive her around to get her to settle down enough to go to sleep! To make a long story short, I missed a day in my series and had to make it up this morning which I did first thing.
It is much later now, after cleaning up, getting Caitlyn taken care of and down for a morning nap. My instinct was to scramble...but God called to my heart. I stopped, went to my room, cleaned up in there and sat down with my Bible to do the day's devotion. I need time with God if I am going to be who He wants me to be!
This devotional is bringing to light some things I needed in my life. It wasn't by accident that my online devotion today was right in line with what I am doing with this Beth Moore. The last several days, I have been reading about Joseph and his "pit" situation. His brothers threw him in a pit because of their jealousy. He found himself in a pit not of his doing; he was innocent; he was a victim. He could have allowed that situation to make him angry, but instead he trusted God's work in his life. Hmmm....I have found myself in similar pits...ones I fell into, ones I was thrown into by an unjust criticism, a bitter accusation, a harsh judgment...and usually from someone related to me. They go on with their lives after their venom has done its damage just like Joseph's brothers did. They feel justified-after all, don't we all have the right to express how we feel? I have heard that argument-ALOT. The problem with that argument is it comes from people who are only concerned with how they feel-not with how anyone else feels. Yes, I would say, you do have the right to express how you feel-but so does everyone else.
I have been broken for a long time. I have allowed someone else to be in control of my emotions. I have allowed my insecurity to place me in a position of compromise and validation. I have discovered that I have indeed been in a pit, not one of my making, but one I succumbed to willingly. Today, the focus was on forgiveness. Joseph forgave his brothers. Not forgiving means wallowing in self-pity, anger, bitterness, helplessness, all amidst the muck and mire. Forgiving means healing for me and my relationship with my Heavenly Father. It isn't about justifying someone else's actions, understanding those actions, or even coming to terms with them, it means letting go, not for them or because of them, but for me. I so needed that reminder. I needed to remember what forgiveness really is and what it is really about. Allowing that to wash over means God is at work in me and in my brokenness; He will reveal His grace!
No more trying to come to terms with it, figure it out, make sense of it, justify or validate, just forgiveness and grace. God knows where I am, how I got here, and where He wants me to be. He is the one at work. He is the one that matters. He has seen every tear, and He is setting my feet on a solid rock and putting a new song in my heart!
Thursday, September 3, 2009
40 Days
I made a trip to Lifeway earlier in the week, and of course had to browse the clearance aisle. I found a Beth Moore devotional journal. Devotional journals are always a hit with me. I like to write and the devotions included serve as prompts to get me thinking. This one is "Get Out of That Pit." Not that I am really in a pit per say, but change is always in order. This one screams lets get to changing. So, I picked it up yesterday to get started. She makes the point that "if we're willing to let truth speak louder than our feelings, and long enough that our feelings finally agree, we can be far more than okay" (pg. 1)
The intro talks about the significance of 40. 40 is the number for testing and trial. It rained for 40 days and nights, and the Israelites wandered for 40 years just to point out 2 examples. It also made me think of the Love Dare which is also a 40 day challenge. God changes people through trials and testings, and apparently 40 is a magic number. It is sure hard to commit to anything for that length of time, but if I can commit then I KNOW that He can change me too.
Here I am at day 2...Day 1 was "Come, Follow Me." The point being in order to follow, I have to leave behind something. I can't follow and hold on to where I was. There is no way I can change and stay the same at the same time. It is one or the other...hmmm...day 2 is "Bondage Blended In." The Scripture is John 5:3-6 about the impotent, blind, and halt waiting by the pool to be healed. A man had been there 38 years in that same condition and had no one to help him down into the pool. There he was, stuck in his own pit. Well...I am older than 38 (shhhh), and it is about time I made some real changes. Pit or no pit, change is necessary so here I go....40 days, only 38 more to go.
Monday, August 31, 2009
New Paths, New Decisions
Got this in my online devotions today...timing was ALL God and had to share! Juggling life is challenging and often what gets left out in my life is my devotional time or much needed time with my husband. Those are the two areas that I am learning to balance correctly. God continues to allow the same situations in my life that I have always struggled with -will I make the same decisions as I did before-the wrong ones, or have I learned to make the right ones!? I don't know, but do know if I don't learn to put God first and Steve second...any decision I make will not be according to God's priorities-they will be according to mine.
Today's Truth
"Wherefore be ye not unwise, but understanding what the will of the Lord is."
Friend To Friend
There is only one thing more painful than learning from experience - and that is not learning from experience. Life is a journey, not a destination. It is through that journey that we are born, broken, changed and shaped. God is big on learning the lessons of life because life is His chosen classroom through which He teaches His children His truth. One of the first and most vital truths we need to learn in our walk with God is obedience.
Truth does not change! We must change in response to the truth! A learned truth is an applied truth and when we apply truth, we are practicing obedience. When we don't learn from our wayward steps, we are doomed to make the same mistakes again, falling back into disobedience. It is like climbing the same old mountain again and again!
Dan served as Youth Pastor for many years in South Florida. Each summer, we took the youth on a mission trip to the mountains of North Carolina where they conducted youth rallies in parks, taught back yard Bible Clubs and held worship services in local churches. Everyone worked hard, but each afternoon was free time. We all piled into a rickety old school bus and headed for the mountains to play. Our favorite mountain activity was tubing. One year a pastor told us about a tubing company tucked up in the mountains on Lake Lure, assuring us that the crowds were small, the price was right and the ride was incredible. Off we went!
We soon discovered why it was such a great deal. You couldn't find the place! We got so completely lost - several times. After two hours of searching, we finally found the tubing company and had a great, but short ride. As we headed back to our hotel, one of the counselors wisely suggested that we write down the directions so that we would have them each year. Great idea!
The next summer, everyone was excited about tubing at our new spot - until we discovered that no one had actually written down the directions - and once again, we got lost, wasting an hour of valuable tubing time. I took matters in hand, grabbed a piece of paper and wrote down detailed directions.
The following summer, we were half way to Lake Lure and the mapped out tubing spot when we discovered that we had indeed documented the directions but had left them at the hotel. Once again, we went around that same old mountain, wasting time and energy until we found the tubing place. I looked at Dan and said, "We must be slow learners!"
I am afraid that our Father looks at us many times and with a broken heart wonders, "Why are they so slow to learn and practice my Truth?" In order to learn the ways of God we have to know the Truth of God. Saturating our lives with Scripture is essential to finding and doing the will of God. The Bible is the road map, the blue print and the ultimate plan for our journey.
As we begin to walk in the right direction we must not only have the right directions for today, we must go back and destroy those paths of yesterday that once led us in the wrong direction. Eliminating wrong choices makes the right choices much easier to make. Some of those old paths are familiar and may be hard to uproot. A friendship may have to be ended. A behavior pattern may have to be changed. A habit may have to be eliminated. But if it leads to sin, if it makes it easier to sin, if it entices or tempts you to sin, run from it now! Don't go around that same old mountain of wrong choices again. Learn the lesson and choose obedience.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Schedules...and....Caitlyn
Caitlyn gives me lots of times to slow down and ponder...just ponder. My schedule has completely changed to accommodate her. Here is how my day goes. She wakes up around 7 or 7:30. Papaw gets her out of the crib and she comes and hangs with me in my bed for a bit. He gets ready for work while her and I have a snack, play, and watch Disney.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Family?
That idea, family, what is it and what does it mean? Good question...thought I might look that up, and so I did. There is the obvious: group of related individuals and so on and so forth, but the one that grabs my heart especially right now is this definition: a group of people who are generally not blood relations but who share common attitudes, interests, or goals and, frequently, live together
This week, this month, this year, what is important to me, and who is important to me has taken a radically different turn. Much of that is the result of the flood. When your life is in total chaos, ruins of wet clothes, books, furniture, mementos, and everything else is laying on the ground before you, you take stock. What is really valuable? Mementos represent memories, but they aren't the memories themselves. Stuff can be replaced, but much of it needn't be-didn't really need it in the first place... and there is people. People can't be replaced, but God sure knows how to comfort a hurting heart. That brings me to what family is to me...and how it relates to where I am right now.
This week was a blurr...so much going on with so many obstacles. When Tonia went in the hospital on Thursday, my heart went into meltdown. We should have taken her on Tuesday, but really thought it was a mixture of lack of sleep, dehydration, and blood pressure. We tried to treat the headaches dealing with all of those things, but to no avail. It didn't turn out to be any of those things, so here I am on Thursday with a full day planned, and Steve and I are playing tag team with Tonia at the emergency room. She complained-told us we didn't have to stay with her. I told her, I knew that, but we weren't leaving her alone. So, here is how the day went.
Tonia told us at just after 11 that her counselor insisted she go to the emergency room. I had plans and could not take her, so Steve loaded her and Caitlyn and they left. Kat, Carol, and I went shopping. It took us several hours to get what we needed and get back. We walked back in around 4:30. I got everything set up for the barbecue, left instructions with Jon and Kat, called Steve and headed up to the hospital. He came back and went to work. I sat there with Tonia, just her and I chatting for an hour or so. As the time for the bbq drew near, and I knew people would be arriving...I began to feel my heart being torn between the need to be in two places at once. I couldn't leave Tonia, and I knew that my family could handle this barbecue, but I wanted to be with them too.
Tonia was taken to get an MRI which left me alone in the room. I sat and sat and sat....too still...too quiet...and the meltdown came. I was flooded with emotion and cried. We are talking near hysterics. I called home to see how it was going, still fighting with emotion, and asked to talk to Shawna. She got on the line; she listened to me cry, she encouraged me...she told me she had it all under control. She was there, not because she was our wedding coordinator, but because we are family, and that is what family does.
Now here is the thing...Shawna is no blood relation, but this year she has been with me through every moment. She has loved me, let me cry, let me be unreasonable, been honest, supportive, carried my burdens when I couldn't, and when no one else would. That is what has mattered, not that we are blood, but that she loves me and is there. Presence matters. It is hard to share a life when you aren't present. And it is hard to share a life when your efforts aren't reciprocated. You know...those relationships where you make a special effort to call, send a card, invite, go see, stop in, drive six hours out of your way just so you can see them, remember a birthday, an anniversary, Christmas, but...no response on the other end. They didn't leave the light on for you, no open door, nope....blood or not....that does not make for a family.
Ironically enough, a family member said out loud in my presence a year back...well commented actually, and it was a comment directed towards my side of the family, that no one wants to make an effort. She indeed hit the nail on the head, but she wasn't describing me. I do make the effort, I have made the effort over and over and over again, for over 20 years. Once in awhile there is a light on....like Katherine's wedding. My brother flew from Alaska to be here and see her get married-light. Another brother and I, despite our conflicts, were able to lay that aside, and he was a great help the day of the wedding-light. Nothing compares to arriving at Olde Oaks at 7:45 am to finish decorating and be dressed by 9, to discover my brother, his wife, others that had committed to helping us all there ready to go doing what they knew to do. I had no worries at all, and I was tremendously blessed by their sweet help and presence-light.
My husband told my mother-in-law once yeas ago when she was complaining about not seeing us for awhile that the road goes both ways. We had been driving to see her, going to church on our own while we were there, but she wasn't making the effort to come to us. That changed that day-she decided to put some effort into the relationship, and our relationship blossomed. The road does indeed go both ways. You don't get to be family when it is convenient. You don't get to be family when you want something. You don't get to be family when you want to be recognized as family. You get to be family when you are willing to be put something into it, when you are willing to get on that road and sacrifice some of your life, lay aside some of your pride, lay aside your hurt feelings, your dreams, your desires, your misconceptions, yourself-you....that is what Shawna has done all year, she has put aside her life for mine, and she did it when my blood family was MIA. She isn't the only one in my life that is true of...and one more thing....
That night, Thursday, I was sitting in the emergency room with Tonia because I count her my sister, and I love her. While I was there, Tami was texting me to see how I was doing and how she was doing. She told me that there was a lot of people at my house. She said you have so many people in your life, there is so much about you I don't know. Today, the day after the wedding, she text me to see how I was doing, and she reminded me that I am blessed. I forget sometimes....but I am. There are alot of people who share my life, who love me despite me, who let me be me. Katherine had the perfect wedding and that is why...people who share our lives were there....those are the people we count as family. Not blood, but family. (And Tami, we have shared so much together...there really isn't much you don't know!!!!)
