Repentance?

Many years ago I had this argument with a dear Christian friend of mine. We had been thicker than thieves, and then we both changed churches. We were sitting under different pastors and in different ministries. Our pastors taught repentance from two different angles. Some where in there we disagreed about what it means to repent, and we parted ways. I struggled with that for a long time-that our friendship wasn't able to endure a simple disagreement. I realized (after some time) that not all relationships are meant to last a lifetime. Some are just for that moment. That was one of those relationships.

I wondered after our rift if I was wrong. I second guess myself alot, sit and ponder, think through situations from different angles and perspectives, try to get a handle on what God says about it, and of course try to put myself in the shoes of people I highly respect-wondering...what would they think or feel if they were here.

Years have gone by now and sermon after sermon has confirmed that I wasn't wrong about what repentance is. The importance of repentance has become very real in my life. The ladies in the prison we minister to have a real problem understanding what it means to repent, hence why they are in and out of jail as often as they are. Not understanding repentance affects so many relationships especially our relationship with our Heavenly Father. Saying I am sorry amounts to little less than words if our heart isn't really sorrowful. There is such a difference in being sorry for hurting some one's feelings, or getting caught doing something, or forgetting a birthday, or being a lousy friend, brother, sister, mother, wife...and actually changing our heart about it in a way that changes our actions.

I was so upset yesterday and way into the night about my life...the disillusionment that comes from unfulfilled dreams and expectations. These circumstances keep teaching me what it means to not repent. Then this morning I was working on a Bible correspondence course for the prison ministry and reading about repentance. The course defines repentance as " a sincere heart sorrow for sin that lead a person to turn from his sins to God do do His will." It is a change of heart, change of mind, that turns us away from following our own will and following the truth of God's Word. So much of the time I want my way, what I think is right not just for me, but for others I really love. It grieves me in such a big way to know someone is on the wrong road, or getting ready to step onto the wrong road-roads that lead to destruction. ( I am sure that is how my friend felt when she thought I was headed the wrong way) I have been on those roads. I have walked straight into the big flashing signs "DANGER AHEAD" not heeding, not grasping the consequences. Since it is true that we reap what we sow. Here I am reaping what I sowed an entire lifetime ago.

Lord, so many times I don't truly repent. My heart is pricked, but I don't step out in obedience to you. I say I am sorry, but don't change a thing. You call my heart to prayer, and I go about my business as if your call is unimportant. Lord, change my heart. Change me.

Divine Appointments

God is in control and still working in lives. I hear that, I say that, I share that, but living in its truth? Not so much!

Last night we were heading home from church and got a phone call from a missionary friend of ours. They were at IHOP and wanted us to join them so we did. We got there and sat down with them in the booth. Our waitress came over with one of the other waitresses and asked me if I recognized them. I didn't. They were talking to me and giving me hints, not helping. Finally they told me that I knew them from Bossier Max. They remembered my name, but I had to apologize for not knowing theirs. In my defense, there are alot more of them than there are of us!

It was such an amazing thing to see some of our girls out, working, and regathering their lives. We invited them to church and left them with some tracts. I have no idea what God is going to do next, but...prayerfully He will give us further contact with them. Either way, I had an opportunity to encourage them and have their faces and names committed to memory so I can pray for them!

And....just that morning Steve and I were talking about prayer. I have so much to pray about right at this moment. God provided a really long list for me to give back to Him....so got to run...I have another appointment!

Amazing Grace

How amazing God's grace is! There are times when I definitely take it for granted. Yesterday was prison ministry day. I woke up with a horrid sinus headache and considered not going, but it had been a few weeks and didn't want to be unfaithful. I nursed the headache and got myself going.

At the church, we found that our order had come in and a letter from one of the inmates. She was about to get out and sent all of her correspondence material back to us along with a letter to our pastor. She gave her testimony and shared how the correspondence course was encouraging her growth. It was such a sweet blessing to know God is using these Bible courses in the hearts of these women. We have hit the point now where several are finishing up. I think we have about 5 that are done with this first series. They are so excited about earning a certificate! That little punch really wound us up for our time in the ministry.

After our first pod, we met a lady new to the facility. She shared her story which I am going to share in a much condensed version: She divorced a few years back which plummetted her into alcoholism and landed her in Bossier Max with three DUI offenses. In the meantime she has lost all of her children to child welfare services and her oldest is in jail accused of child molestation. He is 18. Her son got wrapped up in pornography around the age of 16 which escalated in to the sexual abuses of his cousins. As she shared this burden, how her family got there, and the oppression her entire family had been suffering for many years...all I could do was listen knowing if it weren't for grace....her story could be my story. This ministry slaps me in the face with the truth of how desperate we all are, how vulnerable we are to the pull of addictions and abuses, how easy it is to get off the right road and detour down a road that leads to destruction....if it wasn't for grace.

In the next pod, was one of our ladies that had been all over the news this past week. She has been in there around 10 months and is incredibly faithful to our Bible studies and does the correspondence course as well. She was accused of hiring a contract killer to kill her husband. We were a bit dumbfounded by that-never having imagined she was in there for THAT! Her court date came up and at the last minute changed her plea from not guilty to guilty. We wondered if she would say something to us, and she did. She said when she got to court, God had been so convicting her heart, and she knew she was guilty. She couldn't enter a plea of not guilty. Wow....repentance is such a hard thing for these women to come to, and to see one take responsibility for what she has done is an amazing testimony that God is at work....amazing grace over and over and over. She knows she has confessed her actions, and God has forgiven her, and she is taking responsibility for the crime she committed! Yea!

If not for God......where would we all be.....Amazing Grace-how sweet the sound!

Reality....

And...reality is right around the bend. I can see it-the light-the truth that my world continues to change, evolve if you will. I used to just live...pretty much same o, same o....somewhere around 4 or 5 years back, that all changed. My sons hit high school age, and every year was different than the one before. Steve went to Korea and came back. That year long separation changed the very dynamics of our family. He came back to an 18 yr. old son about to graduate high school and go on to college. I had a hard time adjusting to him taking over again. That same year, I went to work full time and the kids went to school, Katherine for the first time.

I knew that would change our lives, and it did. It seems so long ago now. Robert has been married for two years and has a son. Daniel is going to celebrate his first anniversary pretty soon, and Katherine will be married this year. Empy nest?

I sit and think alot, well actually...I hardly sit, but I do think. I was watching Kat yesterday sewing on Jon's stripes. I was pondering how we raised our children, what we did right, and what we did wrong. I was considering who my children grew up to be. It sure didn't work the way I thought it would. We aren't where I thought we would be right now at this point in our life. My optimism has vacillated between reality and fantasy. From day to day, hard to figure out which one we live in. Today I am on the reality train. My children make, and made choices independent of what I think or would expect. Sometimes I am very proud. Other times I am incredibly deflated and discouraged.

Right now, I am really proud of Katherine. She tends to fall into this "I am an adult" trap and get a bad attitude. I expected that her engagement would begin to feed that again, but she is keeping it in check. She is being respectful, serious, and most of all-standing up for herself. I like that. I am glad she has the strength and courage to speak her heart and mind. She is going to be a sweet wife to Jon, and I am glad I get to take some credit for that. I am thankful most of all. I am thankful that God says He will finish what He has begun in our lives....all of our lives...and I can trust Him to work in His will and His timing! My God sees reality alot different than I do!