Attitude of the Heart

Today was prison ministry day....I hadn't been in a few weeks so was pretty excited about going today and seeing the ladies. My fearless leader is teaching a series on Revelation, and they love it! Our discussions today led us down lots of roads, one about "once saved always saved." One of our older learned ladies asked about that idea....she couldn't understand how if someone is saved, how can there be no fruit...and is that concept just a license to sin? Hmmm....well, one of the big objectives in this ministry is to teach salvation by grace, and eternal security...and this was an opportunity. The end answer was about the attitude of the heart. If someone really believes in their heart that Jesus Christ died for them, was buried and then rose again the third day, and really accepts the gift of salvation in their heart, then a change is evident. God says, "...if anyone be in Christ, he is a new creature." Our fruit does testify to which tree we belong. Once saved always saved doesn't give us a license to live a life of sin.

That really got me thinking and considering all that was going on in my life right now. The attitude of the heart is everything...not the actions, but where the heart is. Where is my heart? What do I really care about? What has my heart? The answer to those questions determine my actions. The action is just a result of my heart attitude. Hmmm....again....

God really orchestrated my day. I didn't have to work today which meant we weren't rushing to get out of jail (LOL) and get back to the city. We had some time to talk and answer questions. As we were leaving the 2nd Pod, two of the ladies from the 1st Pod were trying to talk to us through the door. The guard opened the door for us where we learned they had forgotten to turn in their correspondence course earlier so gave those to the guard to give to us. She handed them to us, and we gave them the next one in the series. HA....they were chasing us down, trying to catch us, all to get the next study! Wow...wow...and I mean WOW. Still amazed by that...get to the front desk to sign out and the GED instructor is there. He starts telling us how much he appreciates what we do, and all God has been revealing to him. He says that he has noticed a marked difference in them especially over the last three months. That was about the time we started the correspondence course! [Smile] We had no idea what God would do with this, but they asked for a Bible study, our church carries a course that no one was using, and we jumped in. God invited us to join Him in a work He was already doing. We got to respond, and now we get to see Him work in these lives.

We so wanted to shout...to cry...all in amazement. God is so good...so faithful. I looked around today at their faces, trying to put names to faces so I could remember. Mail call came-many stepped out and then back in. Tears streamed down their faces. Suddenly, I felt so small and nothing in my life seemed all that pressing. They are kids, they are adults, they are mothers, sisters, and wives. How did they get to the place they are at, and how do they get out?Attitude of the heart. What changes our heart? God's Word...and it is changing them...and it is changing me.

Inauguration

My kids at Sylvan were discussing the inauguration on Monday...whether they would watch it or not. They would be in school on Tuesday when it all took place. I always wanted my kids to watch and experience history, not just read about it. I remember so many historical happenings that we just stopped "school" to take part in. Some of those include: Going to meet the Russian pilots and tour their plane when they stopped in at Barksdale on a goodwill mission, Being at the dedication of the B2 bomber to the state of Louisiana-they named her the "Spirit of Louisiana," and present were pilots dating way back to World War days, Watching and being on a miltary base during 9/11-an experience none of us will ever forget, watching the impeachment proceedings of President Clinton, watching shuttles take off on tv, visiting the space center in Florida, taking a tour of a shuttle, and then watching it piggy back on its way back to Florida after a brief stop here at Barksdale. Just to name a few....so of course I watched/listened to the inauguration. It made me think of a history professor I had, Dr. Brewer. He could quote inauguration speeches from memory of not only famous presidents, but the not so famous ones. Wondered if he would memorize this one too!

God sets up kings and kingdoms...knowing that removes fear and anticipation of what is going to happen from my thoughts. Change is certainly in store...but one thing never changes-God. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. In this ever moving tide of change that sweeps through my life every day, not just on inauguration day, I can hold on to that truth. My God will still be the same, His word is constant...and I don't need a man to lead the way, I already know the way to go!

Historically speaking...we did make history yesterday. Not all of our history has been something to brag about and only time will tell if this falls into the bad or the good category! Glad I watched...glad I participated in our history....glad I voted...glad I prayed....and now just going to trust in an unchangeable God.

Learning....

I have to write this essay for the masters program...like I need to write it right now....on All Children Can Learn. I have been thinking about it for some time. In our AWANA program at church we bused in kids from lower economic status, many had learning issues and behavior problems. I have been blessed to share my life with children from various races, family situations, and educational ability. They all learn. Learning is life...part of life....whether we are learning to walk and talk, to relate to other people, to gauge our boundaries and social behaviors, to read and do 'rithmetic. Hmmm....now how to organize that into an essay!

I am a little more motivated today...for one,my deadline is approaching, two-I helped Jon write one for his English class this weekend. Juices are flowing now....:)

Strongholds

Our sermon last night was on strongholds in our life, how to build them (so we know when we are doing just that), and how to tear them down. I don't know that I thought of strongholds in the same way-or maybe I just didn't think of so many things becoming strongholds. Obviously addictions made the list, but a few negative attitudes and behaviors did too.

The sermon punctuated an already emotional week for me. The biggest place I have come to in my life since who knows when is right now...a culmination of a year or so of God revealing to me where I am, in my thought life, in my heart. One of the statements our pastor made was how strongholds are built in the dark, and to remove their power, bring them into the light. Share them with someone.

You are probably conjuring up all kinds of things right now...but no, none of that. Mine is coming to the realization of how I place myself in situations where I feel "used" and why I even feel used in the first place. Where did that internal trigger come from? I know now. I know where it started, and understand how it has controlled my life. That is why last week was so significant in my life...for the first time I was able to just say no...not because I did not want to help, but because it was the wrong decision for my family. For the first time I was able to listen and choose to bring my life back into balance, instead of allowing someone or some circumstance control me. That emotion has been a stronghold. Those attitudes and beliefs established way back when I was just a child have been dictating to me my whole life.

Sure is good to start tearing those down. Sure is good to know that my God loves me, always pursues me, and sheds light into my darkest places.

What is the Cost?

What is the cost of following Christ? Last night I was thinking about stuff going on in my life, stuff that has happened in the past, dredging up old emotions-feelings of inadequacy, anger, pain, and confusion.



Where did all that pondering lead me to...the question....what does following Christ cost? Everything worth getting costs something. Nothing of any value is free. My relationship with Christ cost Him his life so what should living for Him cost me? Should it just cost Him, be free to me, free to live any way I choose or does following Christ, being His disciple, cost something?



Listening to our pastor this morning preach a funeral...He said that this dear lady came to some point in her life where she understood that there was more to Christ than a get into heaven ticket. Hmmm...so many are saved as by fire, but miss the blessings that come from surrendering their life to Christ. Others are just (pardon the expression) hell bent on living life their way.



So I find myself reviewing where I have been in my attitudes, my burdens, my prayer life, my Christian walk....and too realize that there is a lot more to this than a get to heaven ticket which only cost me the faith of a child, but cost God everything. This Christian walk does indeed cost something. I find my words to my children and about my children echoing in my ears. They are grown now-we have invested in them, taught them, provided for them, given them the knowledge and tools to live their own lives. There was a time when our relationship with them was all about us giving to them. They didn't have to give anything back. That isn't true anymore. They have a responsibility in this relationship now. There was a time in my Christian life, when I was a baby, that it was all about God providing for me, teaching me, giving me tools to live this life. Is it my turn now...time to live those truths no matter what the cost?

It may cost some of my relationships, may cost me some earthly comforts, may cost me my dreams for my life in exchange for His plan for my life. I have been a child of God for 23 years now, but am just now coming to the realization of what following Christ here on earth may cost...but that realization is punctuated with the truth that next to knowing Christ and living for Him, everything else is but dung.

Speak the Truth

I am teaching on the rebuilding of the temple in Jerusalem this month in Sunday School. That has prompted me to read Zechariah and Haggai, both prophets during that particular time in Israel's history. My what I have learned reading their prophecys in light of Jeremiah's prophecies concerning the destruction of the first temple! Today while I was sitting in the doctor's office waiting, I read in Zechariah 8:16-17 "These are the things that ye shall do; Speak ye every man the truth to his neighbour; execute the judgment of truth and peace in your gates." I have really had trouble speaking the truth when I know it will result in conflict. Instead I have stored up my feelings, attempted to suppress what was going on in me, and hoped it would just go away. It never does! Those words and some encouragement from Bro. Jon to "dance with the truth" as opposed to "dancing around the truth" were heavy on my heart today.

Opportunity came and as much as I did not want to deal with it, I had to. I had to spit it out and speak the truth. It was hard and certainly painful, but necessary. I wanted to dance...my impulse was to avoid, deny, anything but speak the truth...but somehow God enabled me to do what needed to be done, and now it is just done. I have so much more peace now that I have been able to speak the truth. Sometimes in life we come to crossroads where decisions have to be made. We have to decide to stay the same or be changed. I came up to that intersection and decided that I can't continue to live out of balance. I can't continue to live where others are first, God in there somewhere, and Steve dragging up the rear. I got it right....for the first time in my life! It sure has been an ongoing work in me, but God is doing it, changing my heart, redirecting my priorities, moving me in the direction He wants me to go in, and most of all giving me the courage to stand up, tell the truth, and not let others impose their will upon me! Speak the truth...

Feeling Forced

Ever feel like you are being forced into a decision, backed into a corner, not sure how to get out...where is the door...window...some avenue of escape? Yep, that is just how I am feeling right now. I finally came to the end of my rope, tied a knot, and said, "Lord, I can't keep living the way I have been living. I am never going to get balance this way. My marriage and family are just more important than I have been treating them...and I don't want people dictating to me what to do when it is YOU I am supposed to be following." Ok..so here I am, holding on to the rope, swinging a bit and thinking...making progress...going in the right direction...and

SLAM...there went the door and here I am huddled in that corner looking for a way of escape....

Hospital Ambush

Following the lead of a dear friend, who unexpectedly waged an all out nerf war on us a week back, Kat and I decided to launch an attack on our friends sitting in the ccu waiting room! LOL...They said they were bored....we thought we would lighten the air a bit. We loaded up our weapons, undertook the journey to the designated location, made our way through the winding corridors, and oh so slyly showered our targets with a barrage of nerf darts! (In the CCU of WK at about 10 pm last night!) That was too much fun!

What a time we had...playing with nerf guns and of course....a round of scrabble. I lost the last round...and barely sqeaked by on this one, but....I AM THE CHAMPION...:0 [smile-maybe I shouldn't go right to champion...after all, my opponent is really smarter than I am...I just got lucky!]

This week has flown by....been an emotional one as I came to the conclusion that I can't continue to live my life by the whims of others...I can't find rest and peace if I allow others to determine how to spend my days...God has to be the pilot of this ship. I wrestled and wrestled with my own inadequacy, the needs presented before me, and what I could and couldn't do. In the end, I had to come face to face with where I am, what God is allowing me to do and be, and what He wants for my life. 24 hours goes by quickly...and that is all I have to accomplish His goals for me. I can't be all, do all, ....just can't.

So...once the decision is made, I am free to listen to God's prompting....obey His voice...and then I GET to have fun in my service to Him....hardly seems like a sacrifice being at the hospital till late late late...that was ONLY my first ambush (you're gonna need your own guns!) there is definitely more to come!

First Day Back

That Christmas break went way too fast, and I got so little done...sure was hard to get back to work yesterday. There is still so much to do and time just slips by.

I have been considering what I needed to put on my prayer list for the year...been journaling a bit, and started a new Bible reading schedule. The new year always challenges me to be more than I was the year before....not so much do...but "be"-be faithful, be committed, be filled with the Spirit, be yielding fruit, be more like Jesus. I am painfully aware of how short I fall. I always start off with a bang, then start slipping.

Yesterday, I read my Bible reading, prayed over my list, my Sunday School girls, the lesson I would be preparing for them this week, and of course my kids. I read little snippits from devotionals, and reviewed my verse cards. I have this stack I am always adding to and read through them when I read my Bible. I have read through them hundreds of times now, although I am sure I can quote very few!!!! One of them jumped out at me, stopped, read it again, put it down, picked it up, opened my Bible to look it up there, read it again, and again.

"Ye are bought with a price; be not ye servants of men. Brethren, let every man wherein he is called, therein abide with God." I Corinthians 7:23-24

I added that on January 4, 2007...almost exactly a year ago. Steve and I have been talking about where we are at and where we want to be...I have spent too much of my life trying to serve men thinking I was serving God. I realize I do serve God by serving men, but only when God is in charge...when He is the one directing my hand, as opposed to me following my own whims, or allowing someone else to pull the strings. So...last night...I go to work. I was meeting my husband after work to drop off the jeep for Kat to get home from work. I was concerned about my schedule this week because Kat and I share a vehicle. Sometimes our work schedules just don't mesh. God already had that worked out, and there is no conflict! I get to work and (after showing off the new rings!), get my check AND a bonus check. There was some talk about the possibility of a bonus, but nothing for sure. I was thinking...hey, got to put my check back in the account to cover all the money I have been spending...but the bonus....I might get to keep that one! :)

Steve picks me up and we are chatting about it. We head out to see another friend to take her three kings...the funnest thing about that is I printed all these pictures and did brag books...inside the brag books, I wrote out a prayer as God led me over these families....wow what God can do through prayer! We visit with my sweet friend and "my" beautiful Caitlyn!!!! Then we head to the store and Albertsons. My other sweet friend has been in and out of the hospital with her mother-in-law..seems like every day I am getting a text from her about her mother-in-law...Now I have to say, I really admire her. Here I am, struggling to deal with relatives in and out of my house...ugh..and she has her mom and her mother-in-law living with her! HOW DO YOU DO THAT?????

We are perusing Albertson's to get some snacks for them, who knows how long they will be up there??...and then we check out. Here we are, on a diet, starving at that moment, no hope of food any time soon, and buying soda and snacks! LOL (That was the real sacrifice my friend!). Then, I tell my hubbie I want to get them a card and give them a little something to help with the travel back and forth, and grab food kind of thing....being in a hospital is not a cheap venture! He says ok...and we check out. The lady asks how much cash back he wants and he tells her. We didn't discuss an amount, so I comment about his generosity...and he says, "I asked you how much, and that is what you said." I said, "I didn't say that." Hmm....was he having a conversation with someone else-apparently God! And really...we will never miss it....just got an unexpected bonus...

Was at this mission conference once, and the speaker was giving an illustration about mission giving. He had one hand up towards God and the other outstretched. God gives, we give away, God gives more, we give more away....and yet, God keeps giving, and we keep giving away....we have been so blessed to be able to live that for many months now....and we can sure testify, as long as God is giving, and we are giving away, He keeps giving, and we get the honor to be a conduit of His faithfulness, His provision, His grace....Lord, thank you for giving to us, so we can give away, not just in our finances, but in our time, our talents, our energies. All we have is yours, and let us be nothing more than your hands and your feet!

Not bad for a first day back at it!

Renewal

And we're off......

The race has officially begun into a new year, and we of course plunged right in! We are excited about the new possibilities, and the hope (prayer) our house will be completed sometime in this year! This week, we are going to finish up our room (except floors), do some detail work around the house, framing and what not, and really work on Kat's room. During the month of January, really plan on making a sizable dent in Kat's room (laying tile in there and we know that is a bit time consuming!) and getting two of the bathrooms up...this one bathroom thing-not so much fun! (Are we spoiled or what!)

Our services yesterday were amazing. Our pastor is just on it...let me tell you. There are so many times I am sitting there, overwhelmed with life, tired from this high speed life we live, and struggling to pay attention. He challenges me with just one word or statement, or Scripture...and then I am all ears. I taught Sunday School yesterday on the laying of the foundation for the new temple commissioned by Cyrus. My point was the judgment that got Solomon's temple destroyed and the building of lives on the right foundation. All of which relates to whether we are hearing God and obeying, or not. My pastor went that same route during morning services-what does God say and what are we doing with it? Are we telling ourselves something totally different, lying to ourselves, others, and God, or what??? So easy....to convince ourselves of something that isn't true!

I wonder as I start again, first week back to normal after Christmas, first week to try out those new commitments-ya know, gonna read my Bible through, pray, lose weight, etc....what God has in store for me. In just the past six months, He has opened the doors to relationships I thought were once lost. In two days, two women I haven't heard from in over 10 years have reappeared again. Hmmm...what does that mean, and what do I do with it? We parted ways because of conflicts which could not be resolved...time does heal all wounds...but are they any different, am I?

Looking For A New Year of Firsts!

I sure hope that is what this year is...all about adventure...not that life here is anything less, but seeing God do new and wonderful things all around us in greater than any trip to anywhere! :)

New Year's Eve: The end of a year...well it was a church day so we of course had church. Kat had to work and we had company coming over before church so here is how the day went...

I did house chores, cleaning up a bit, spent some time with the Lord, and Jon came over. He hung out a bit while Kat got ready for work, and then he took her to work. They had planned on going out for awhile after church so he wanted to take her and pick her up. After they left, I gathered up my stuff to run some errands before dinner. My keys were NOWHERE...I text Kat, "Where are my keys?" She responded, "Oh Crap, in my purse." I wanted to yell at her, started to get all over her case, my keys should not be in her purse....but decided it was the last day of the year, she was all googly eyed over Jon-hadn't stopped giggling in a week-and I would just blame it on Jon instead! Anyway..Steve brought me a set of keys and I went shopping for 3 Kings! I came home and hustled to get ready for church and get dinner going.

Taylor came in around 5ish followed by his fiance, her sister and friend. My sister popped in shortly thereafter, and then Jon came too. We had 8 for dinner. Taylor was cooking so he jumped in to finish dinner while the girls set the table. It was a little rushed but we got to meet Annie and visit with them. I tried convincing Taylor to come to church, not so sure he was REALLY going to come. In all of this, Tonia called. I thought she might need a babysitter, but text her back. She was alone for New Year's Eve, and wanted to know what we were doing. I invited to come with us. We went and picked her up for church...so we get to church...and our clan took up 3 rows! [Smile :)] Taylor did show up with all the girls, Kat was there-walked in with Jon and sat with Jon [They are the new item of the church] Jon was all grin which was too fun for me. My family was there too-all of us! Wow...By invitation I could hardly stop grinning about how amazing God was. I reached out and held Steve's hand on my left and Tonia's on my right while I just thanked God.

Taylor skiddadled after services, but the rest of us went in to a fellowship. Caitlyn was very upset so Steve walked around outside with her, and we snacked and visited. Two of the older ladies wanted to know what was going on with Jon and Kat [heee heee]. They were soooooooooo excited for Jon and Kat. So...after all that we headed home. We hung out here for a bit, and I reminded Jon LSU was playing, and he and Shawna jumped up to turn the game on. They weren't rooting for LSU, but LSU was winning by a landslide...and Rob called...we got to talk to Rob!!!!! He IS an LSU fan so we updated him on the score.

Then, Jon and Kat left, and we headed to IHOP. We got there about 11:40ish and there was hardly anyone in there. We got a big table so Jon and Kat, and possibly Cherokee could join us. To make a long story short, we were there until 1:30ish. By the time we left, it was packed-people were waiting to come in! We ate and played scrabble! I picked up a "to go" version of the game, and we played for quite some time. Waitresses were giving us tips and helping us spell words! :) Wow...we laughed...and that was a first. I have never sat in a restaurant and played a game...but it might be a new thing for us. It was so much fun!

We took Tonia home, Jon brought Kat home and then left, and we got back home to Kat and Shawna curled up on the couch under a blanket talking and watching Elf. It is now 2ish. Kat was sharing with us her night with Jon....so let me tell you...although she probably should. When he picked her up from work he wanted to talk to her about some things in his past which he didn't want to keep from her, she-of course-is able to love despite because she understands the love of God, and encouraged him by telling him it isn't how many times you fall, it is if you get up! [I love hearing my heart come spilling out through her!] During invitation [I had my eyes closed and did not see] he asked her to go to the altar to pray with him for God's blessing on their relationship. Then on the boardwalk, he took her up to the gazebo where he danced with her, just him and her and her cell phone playing music, Alrighty....makes the rest look like mere boys!

I was soooooooooo tired yesterday-literally dragging....Steve and I got up at our normal time. We started our day reading our Bibles and praying together. We prayed over everything! Then we went shopping-still 3 kings. While at the mall decided to stop in at Kay's. We have been kind of sort of looking for new wedding rings. I have been hesitant because 1. Way too expensive, 2. Didn't know what I wanted. Anyway...the lady at Kay's went through all kinds of rings till we narrowed down what I liked. She put a bridal set together that I really liked, but I didn't look at the price tag! [I was skeeered] She found Steve a band that matched, and then checked the price. She came back with a total of $4300. Ok...I know that rings get a lot more expensive than that but seriously...what are my other options!? Our saleslady argued that we have been married 25 years and certainly deserve it! I thought she might be on to something! We kept looking at other possibilities, but none hit me like that one, and finally Steve said, let's get that one....so to make a long story short...another long story short...we did! All I can say is: IT IS GORGEOUS. I keep holding my hand out to look at up....Steve said I was like a teenage girl that just got engaged! (Jon might be a little intimidated, he reminded Kat that we were just as much in love without the rings-and he is so right!!!!!He also said something about every kiss begins with Kay's but...didn't quite catch that one.)

So...think we are on our way to a year of firsts....a year of adventure.....a year of seeing God do even more than I could have ever imagined....and I am glad He gets to be in charge, because He picks out for me so much more than I choose for myself!!!!