New Paths, New Decisions

Got this in my online devotions today...timing was ALL God and had to share! Juggling life is challenging and often what gets left out in my life is my devotional time or much needed time with my husband. Those are the two areas that I am learning to balance correctly. God continues to allow the same situations in my life that I have always struggled with -will I make the same decisions as I did before-the wrong ones, or have I learned to make the right ones!? I don't know, but do know if I don't learn to put God first and Steve second...any decision I make will not be according to God's priorities-they will be according to mine.

August 31, 2009Learning The Hard WayMary Southerland

Today's Truth
"Wherefore be ye not unwise, but understanding what the will of the Lord is."

Ephesians 5:17

Friend To Friend

There is only one thing more painful than learning from experience - and that is not learning from experience. Life is a journey, not a destination. It is through that journey that we are born, broken, changed and shaped. God is big on learning the lessons of life because life is His chosen classroom through which He teaches His children His truth. One of the first and most vital truths we need to learn in our walk with God is obedience.

Truth does not change! We must change in response to the truth! A learned truth is an applied truth and when we apply truth, we are practicing obedience. When we don't learn from our wayward steps, we are doomed to make the same mistakes again, falling back into disobedience. It is like climbing the same old mountain again and again!

Dan served as Youth Pastor for many years in South Florida. Each summer, we took the youth on a mission trip to the mountains of North Carolina where they conducted youth rallies in parks, taught back yard Bible Clubs and held worship services in local churches. Everyone worked hard, but each afternoon was free time. We all piled into a rickety old school bus and headed for the mountains to play. Our favorite mountain activity was tubing. One year a pastor told us about a tubing company tucked up in the mountains on Lake Lure, assuring us that the crowds were small, the price was right and the ride was incredible. Off we went!
We soon discovered why it was such a great deal. You couldn't find the place! We got so completely lost - several times. After two hours of searching, we finally found the tubing company and had a great, but short ride. As we headed back to our hotel, one of the counselors wisely suggested that we write down the directions so that we would have them each year. Great idea!

The next summer, everyone was excited about tubing at our new spot - until we discovered that no one had actually written down the directions - and once again, we got lost, wasting an hour of valuable tubing time. I took matters in hand, grabbed a piece of paper and wrote down detailed directions.

The following summer, we were half way to Lake Lure and the mapped out tubing spot when we discovered that we had indeed documented the directions but had left them at the hotel. Once again, we went around that same old mountain, wasting time and energy until we found the tubing place. I looked at Dan and said, "We must be slow learners!"
I am afraid that our Father looks at us many times and with a broken heart wonders, "Why are they so slow to learn and practice my Truth?" In order to learn the ways of God we have to know the Truth of God. Saturating our lives with Scripture is essential to finding and doing the will of God. The Bible is the road map, the blue print and the ultimate plan for our journey.

As we begin to walk in the right direction we must not only have the right directions for today, we must go back and destroy those paths of yesterday that once led us in the wrong direction. Eliminating wrong choices makes the right choices much easier to make. Some of those old paths are familiar and may be hard to uproot. A friendship may have to be ended. A behavior pattern may have to be changed. A habit may have to be eliminated. But if it leads to sin, if it makes it easier to sin, if it entices or tempts you to sin, run from it now! Don't go around that same old mountain of wrong choices again. Learn the lesson and choose obedience.

Girlfriends in God

P.O. Box 725

Matthews, NC 28106

info@girlfriendsingod.com

www.girlfriendsingod.com

Schedules...and....Caitlyn

Caitlyn gives me lots of times to slow down and ponder...just ponder. My schedule has completely changed to accommodate her. Here is how my day goes. She wakes up around 7 or 7:30. Papaw gets her out of the crib and she comes and hangs with me in my bed for a bit. He gets ready for work while her and I have a snack, play, and watch Disney.

After enough of that, we go get breakfast. While she is eating, I am cleaning up the kitchen. There is usually a bath in there and getting dressed and a morning nap. Then there is lunch, more playing, and another nap. We have splashed around in the pool, went for walks, and jumped on the trampoline. I can't wait to take her to the fountains and discover all kinds of adventures with her!

She is definitely an angel. We love that we get to share in this time of her life. God loves children. They are a promise. The light in their eyes when they laugh, the wonder and imagination as they try to figure things out, the spirit that radiates from their being are all amazing things to witness. What a privilege it is just to share in a child's life.

There have been moments in my life these past years where I have questioned myself, my motives, my parenting, my faith, my marriage, my relationships, and my life goals. I have allowed others criticism of me to undermined my confidence. I have given others permission to make me feel inferior. The truth is parenting is hard. No one really knows what to do. Just keeping up with what the doctors and specialists say could keep one busy for an eternity. They change their mind so regularly as to what is good for a child and what isn't-I KNOW they don't know either. What works one moment, doesn't work another. There is no real way to know how things are going to work out in the end, but what does matter is the investment. My husband and I were good parents, not perfect, but we did invest our lives in our children. We gave and gave and gave. They had our attention, our hearts, our commitment, our love and support. We went to ball games, concerts, fund raisers, took them to camp, to Six Flags, to museums, and to church-and how we prayed!

Caitlyn is such a beautiful angel...and we get to, don't have to, but get to play the part of grandparents in her life. She came unexpectedly and unplanned by us (not by God!), but we couldn't love her anymore if she was born of our blood then we do that she is born of our hearts. Our schedule revolves around her. Not a single things is planned without her in mind, a sacrifice we made willingly with our own children, and we make again for her. A high price, one that we get smile and giggle returns on, and the memory that we had this moment with her.

She has us rethinking what we are going to do with the rest of our lives...can't imagine right now doing "it" without her! Right now, wondering if she will let me paint her toenails...let's go see...

Family?

That idea, family, what is it and what does it mean? Good question...thought I might look that up, and so I did. There is the obvious: group of related individuals and so on and so forth, but the one that grabs my heart especially right now is this definition: a group of people who are generally not blood relations but who share common attitudes, interests, or goals and, frequently, live together



This week, this month, this year, what is important to me, and who is important to me has taken a radically different turn. Much of that is the result of the flood. When your life is in total chaos, ruins of wet clothes, books, furniture, mementos, and everything else is laying on the ground before you, you take stock. What is really valuable? Mementos represent memories, but they aren't the memories themselves. Stuff can be replaced, but much of it needn't be-didn't really need it in the first place... and there is people. People can't be replaced, but God sure knows how to comfort a hurting heart. That brings me to what family is to me...and how it relates to where I am right now.



This week was a blurr...so much going on with so many obstacles. When Tonia went in the hospital on Thursday, my heart went into meltdown. We should have taken her on Tuesday, but really thought it was a mixture of lack of sleep, dehydration, and blood pressure. We tried to treat the headaches dealing with all of those things, but to no avail. It didn't turn out to be any of those things, so here I am on Thursday with a full day planned, and Steve and I are playing tag team with Tonia at the emergency room. She complained-told us we didn't have to stay with her. I told her, I knew that, but we weren't leaving her alone. So, here is how the day went.



Tonia told us at just after 11 that her counselor insisted she go to the emergency room. I had plans and could not take her, so Steve loaded her and Caitlyn and they left. Kat, Carol, and I went shopping. It took us several hours to get what we needed and get back. We walked back in around 4:30. I got everything set up for the barbecue, left instructions with Jon and Kat, called Steve and headed up to the hospital. He came back and went to work. I sat there with Tonia, just her and I chatting for an hour or so. As the time for the bbq drew near, and I knew people would be arriving...I began to feel my heart being torn between the need to be in two places at once. I couldn't leave Tonia, and I knew that my family could handle this barbecue, but I wanted to be with them too.

Tonia was taken to get an MRI which left me alone in the room. I sat and sat and sat....too still...too quiet...and the meltdown came. I was flooded with emotion and cried. We are talking near hysterics. I called home to see how it was going, still fighting with emotion, and asked to talk to Shawna. She got on the line; she listened to me cry, she encouraged me...she told me she had it all under control. She was there, not because she was our wedding coordinator, but because we are family, and that is what family does.

Now here is the thing...Shawna is no blood relation, but this year she has been with me through every moment. She has loved me, let me cry, let me be unreasonable, been honest, supportive, carried my burdens when I couldn't, and when no one else would. That is what has mattered, not that we are blood, but that she loves me and is there. Presence matters. It is hard to share a life when you aren't present. And it is hard to share a life when your efforts aren't reciprocated. You know...those relationships where you make a special effort to call, send a card, invite, go see, stop in, drive six hours out of your way just so you can see them, remember a birthday, an anniversary, Christmas, but...no response on the other end. They didn't leave the light on for you, no open door, nope....blood or not....that does not make for a family.

Ironically enough, a family member said out loud in my presence a year back...well commented actually, and it was a comment directed towards my side of the family, that no one wants to make an effort. She indeed hit the nail on the head, but she wasn't describing me. I do make the effort, I have made the effort over and over and over again, for over 20 years. Once in awhile there is a light on....like Katherine's wedding. My brother flew from Alaska to be here and see her get married-light. Another brother and I, despite our conflicts, were able to lay that aside, and he was a great help the day of the wedding-light. Nothing compares to arriving at Olde Oaks at 7:45 am to finish decorating and be dressed by 9, to discover my brother, his wife, others that had committed to helping us all there ready to go doing what they knew to do. I had no worries at all, and I was tremendously blessed by their sweet help and presence-light.

My husband told my mother-in-law once yeas ago when she was complaining about not seeing us for awhile that the road goes both ways. We had been driving to see her, going to church on our own while we were there, but she wasn't making the effort to come to us. That changed that day-she decided to put some effort into the relationship, and our relationship blossomed. The road does indeed go both ways. You don't get to be family when it is convenient. You don't get to be family when you want something. You don't get to be family when you want to be recognized as family. You get to be family when you are willing to be put something into it, when you are willing to get on that road and sacrifice some of your life, lay aside some of your pride, lay aside your hurt feelings, your dreams, your desires, your misconceptions, yourself-you....that is what Shawna has done all year, she has put aside her life for mine, and she did it when my blood family was MIA. She isn't the only one in my life that is true of...and one more thing....

That night, Thursday, I was sitting in the emergency room with Tonia because I count her my sister, and I love her. While I was there, Tami was texting me to see how I was doing and how she was doing. She told me that there was a lot of people at my house. She said you have so many people in your life, there is so much about you I don't know. Today, the day after the wedding, she text me to see how I was doing, and she reminded me that I am blessed. I forget sometimes....but I am. There are alot of people who share my life, who love me despite me, who let me be me. Katherine had the perfect wedding and that is why...people who share our lives were there....those are the people we count as family. Not blood, but family. (And Tami, we have shared so much together...there really isn't much you don't know!!!!)

Unexpected Turns

As I am sitting here in my bed just past 6 am with Caitlyn beside me, I realize again and again that life takes unexpected turns. She is just as happy go lucky as she could be, considering she has been up since 4 am. She is alot more chipper with six hours of sleep than I am feeling with my four! Right at this moment, she is in bed with me, watching Mickey Mouse Club...and it has her full attention!

I didn't expect to be spending the last few days before a wedding quite like this....but God knew. Life is full of unexpected turns-you know the kind...You are cruising right along at full speed unaware that just up ahead, just out of sight, there is a bend in the road, and not only are you going to need to slow down, you are going to need to make a turn. Sometimes you have to completely turn around and head in a different direction. This is one of those times.

It has been a moment since I knew what channels were good for kids, or how to juggle household responsibilities and take care of a baby, but I have done it. I did know how once upon a time. I can do this again, but only in God's grace-only through His provision. That is the thing-when I am busy, it sure is hard to find time for my time with God and my "me" time. I know I need both, but squeezing that in...not so easy.

I have been on this road before. I have fallen on my face, not able to handle all that was before me, because I did it instead of allowing God to do it through me. I learned the lesson. I know what I did wrong every time before, but can I get it right this time? Hmmm...don't know....might be why I am on this road again. It isn't all about me, of course, but when God works, He works all around us, so it is about me too. Unexpected turn...it is indeed....but, hey I am flexible. Ahhh...Papaw just came back into the room. He is sitting with Caitlyn in front of him watching Donald Duck! [So sweet...should grab a camera!]

Sticks and Stones

I had a really rough day yesterday as I learned that another family felt the need to attack me. I am not counting at this point, but apparently it is quite sport for my family members who by the way haven't begun to walk a mile in my shoes to stand back in judgment of me. Whoever said sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me wasn't attacked verbally on a regular basis, I am sure of it, because words do hurt. What is so hard about being graceful? What is so hard about letting people live their own lives without spewing vomit all over them? I know...it is easier to point the finger at someone else, criticize them and their choices they are making then it is to look at our own lives and do something about ourselves. I am convinced that if we spent more time looking inward and less time looking outward that we would learn to live in grace, not condemnation.

After a tear filled day, an explosion venting moment which my dear little sister had to endure, some reflection and encouragement from my husband, and time to counsel with another friend of mine who knows all too well what judgment feels like, I have a better perspective. I opened my Bible today to read in Job. I read Job 19:2-4 "How long will ye vex my soul, and break me in pieces with words: These ten times have ye reproached me: ye are not ashamed that ye make yourselves strange to me. And be it indeed that I have erred, mine error remaineth with myself." How encouraged I am with the story of Job. Here he is sitting in sackcloth, having lost everything, completely miserable and instead of his friends and wife encouraging and supporting him, they are standing in judgment...as if they have a clue. I was instantly reminded that God exhorts us not to judge...why not?

We don't have the whole picture. When we judge, when we criticize, we become God. We elevate ourselves to a higher plane. We know better than that. We are smarter than that. I would NEVER do that (be careful with never). If I was in that situation I would do....and on and on and on...as if we have all the knowledge in the world. The things is, we don't. We don't know. We can't always see how the choices we make are going to turn out. We can't always make informed decisions because we don't have enough information. We don't know what we would do given those same set of circumstances. If you are going to judge me, first grow up in an abused home where sexual vulgarity, profanity, degradation, and physical abuse are the norm. Then try to escape that, run away and try to get your footing. Then get married at 17 with no clue on how to be a wife. Get saved and make a decision to live your life for Christ, praying in tears for your lost family. Desire to raise your children to serve the Lord, despite having no home training of your own to go on, no real relationship with your family members, go it alone, just you, your husband and Christ. Do everything you know how to do and then let your children go. Don't forget to struggle with that because letting go is easier said than done. Wrestle with the decisions that need to be made now that they are grown and try to grapple with your faith that is now seriously under fire. Consider abandoning that faith and contemplate what would life be like if you weren't around. Next, get it together, go on with your life, make commitments, decisions, pour your heart into everything you do, just to have your face slapped every time you speak, act, share your heart, or wait....when you actually disagree with someone or won't do what someone thinks you should. Now...when you have done all of that, plus juggling life demands, work, education, friendships, church ministries...and can make the right choice EVERY time, you are in a great place to stand in judgment of me.

Must be why God said judge not, because who else has lived my unique set of life circumstances? Who else has lived yours? And words...should exhort not tear down, lives should be lived in grace. We should be living in grace, extending it to those who least deserve it which certainly includes me.

For those who I know are reading this not because you want to share lives with other people but because you want something to criticize and judge, ...the rest of that verse says, judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. And why beholdest thou the mote that is in my brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye." Matthew 7:1-3

I can certainly testify that the verse is true. I went through the critical, judgmental, holier than thou phase, and I hurt people as a result, and although some I have been able to apologize too, the apologies haven't been accepted, hence doesn't even matter, and now...over and over and over....I am the object of judgment. It serves as a warning....you can keep judging me and criticizing me....but your day is coming, and it is going to be painful. Might want to deal with that beam in your own eye-taking it out is certainly less painful than the alternative.

Introspection

This class I am taking right now is a diversity class. Our professor has given us assignments that have really stopped me in my tracks....you know....when you have to answer questions that you had not really considered.

We have done some writing, which I love, but is also penetrating. One assignment was on teaching writing, and first step was to draw a heart. This would become a heart map. Inside we were to write the things that were important to us, people, places, events...took me a second, once I got past the obvious. Then we were to free write about one of those things. In my heart map, I wrote: faith and truth, my hubbie, Daniel, Robert, Katherine, Caitlyn, Aaorn, Destin, Paul's death, pregnancy, house flooding, etc....

Then looking over those things, I decided to write about being pregnant with Katherine. Here it is in a non-edited form:

It was September 1989. Steve and I were expecting our third child. This was at a time before routine ultrasounds, before we "knew" what were having. Everyone was sure we were having another boy. I was ok with that. We had two boys and loved them dearly; we could do another boy. What's so hard about boys?

September wore away and my due date came and went. What a long pregnancy! Is this baby ever going to get here? I was still certain we were having a boy and had settled on the name Paul Anthony. Paul after a friend of mine that had been killed as a teenager, and Anthony meant gift. I really liked our name, and was settled we were going to have a boy, until a friend of mine, Dianne, pointed out to me that maybe God knew I hadn't been ready for a girl, and maybe now I was. Hmmm, I thought, could I raise a girl. Maybe, I was ready to have a baby girl.

My "girliness" had been learned. I grew up a tomboy with no idea about dressing up, wearing make-up, with no fashion sense. I didn't even know how to walk and talk like a girl. Most girls learn these things from their mothers, but I didn't. What did I know about being a girl, let alone raising one!?

Wednesday night, October 11, 1989, the night before I was scheduled to be induced. I had had false labor for months now, so any contractions I had fit into that category (at least in my mind). I was in a church service at Torrejon Baptist, sitting next to a friend of mine. I told her I thought I might be having contractions. She timed me during the entire church service, and by the end of the evening, she was convinced it was the real thing. After much coaxing, Steve and I headed to the hospital-now after 9pm. That night, just a few hours later, my daughter made her debut.

I remember it being quite surreal to hear, "It's a girl." She weighed in at 8 lbs, 2 oz with a head full of black curly hair. A girl! A girl! There, she cuddled next to me, not Paul Anthony, but Katherine Marian-Jewell. My pure sweet little angel.

Today, she is almost 20 and about to be married. Being her mom has been one of the single most joys of my life. The road hasn't been smooth all the time. We struggled to evolve our relationship and come to terms with the two different people we are, but we made it. I treasure the moments we have shared. I used to crawl into her bed and sing to her, "You are my sunshine." That song is our song...she has been my sunshine...since the day she was born!