Be Careful What You Complain About

These past few days have slowed me down considerably-not a bad thing, actually gives me time to ponder and regroup which I have so needed. I actually slept this morning till almost 10:00! I NEVER do that. I was shocked when I stretched, focused my eyes and looked at the alarm clock-9:40! Whoa...I jumped up and got going. :)

After picking up a bit (one of those things I do while I am waking up), putting a few things away, getting dressed, making the bed, and ordering our bedroom, I got my Bible out and crawled into my big comfy chair in my bedroom. I LOVE that chair, and I LOVE the room. It is calming. So....pull my Bible out, read a devotional on the names of God and browsed through some I had previously read. I looked over some verses I have written out, and reached for my journal. I don't always journal. I like to write, and journaling focuses my heart and mind, but sometimes I am in too big of a spin to even focus long enough to do that-and that would certainly characterize my life lately. Today, I flipped through the pages to see what I had written over the past year or so. By the way...the journal I am writing in right now was given to me for Christmas in 2005 by one of my sweet sisters-the adopted variety (and you know who you are! :)

I sit there a bit reading through various entries and noticing the dates-just pondering what was going in my life at that moment. The day before the flood last year, I talked to God about the chaos, the noise, and the conflicts in my life...LOL....so that is what I THOUGHT was chaos...the next day, real chaos hit fast and furious. How short sighted I am!

The funniest one, and I am still laughing was an entry on March 28, 2008. Here is the entry:

Lord, not a great idea to start my day off angry, but I am. My husband's priorities are not my priorities-He never wants to do anything on the house. When it comes to the house-he says we don't have any money.

That is all I wrote that day, which is unusual for me. I usually ramble and ramble. I don't know what I was mad about, or what I wanted that he didn't want to give me. I have no idea, but I am guessing that graduation was just over a month and a half away, and I was getting ready for a house full of people. Since I tend to be a bit anal about that, I was probably trying to make some last minute repairs, paint...etc...and he didn't want to.

Wow...be careful what you ask for, or should I say complain about, because now the house is at the center of both our priorities. All we do is work on the house, together, all the time! Not only is that the case, it gets all of our extra resources! We spend $100's every week repairing the flood damage, upgrading, and redecorating this house. Last year, I was trying to get him to want to help repair the house; this year, I would like to QUIT repairing the house, do something else, and spend our money somewhere else!!!!! Yep...still laughing....wonder if God is laughing with me?

Faithfulness

That has to be my most coveted character quality. It is the one that most testifies to me who God is. He is faithful, all of the time...not just once in awhile or when I deserve it, but ALL the time. I am so thankful He is faithful, and that His faithfulness is not tied to my faithfulness. I am not always faithful, but I want to be. My husband, however, has a remarkable sense of faithfulness. It is probably one of his strongest qualities...at least it is the one I admire the most.

One of the things that impressed me the most about Jon was his faithfulness. I am thankful that he too has that quality, and that Katherine responded to a man that has the same qualities as her dad.

Haven't Arrived

"Sometimes life's concerns can deafen our spiritual "ears." Before reading Scripture, ask God to help you hear and understand what He's saying. As you believe and obey, your spiritual hearing will become more acute, and your time in the Word will be an intimate conversation with the Lord. "

July 24, 2009The Living Word Hebrews 4:12-13
In Touch with Charles Stanley

How God speaks right where we are at never ceases to amaze me. I breeze through all these online devotions more than I read and consider them, especially lately. I was so tired yesterday and so overwhelmed that I sat down to read my Bible and not a word was sticking. All I could do was tell God how overwhelmed I was. I had no idea how I was going to make it through the day ahead of me....actually I am pretty amazed I made it to Friday, because the week wasn't looking to positive on Monday.

Went to the prison ministry yesterday after a very stressful morning, trying to organize ministry stuff and get all my homework done for class that night. I was looking at a very full day! I was tired before I ever got to the ministry and concerned about a situation that needed to be dealt with. I had no idea how to approach it in a way that encouraged instead of discouraged. Dealing with that had kept my mind swimming for days already.

I have focus problems...when things get too big for me to carry in my mind-nothing else gets any of my mental attention. I can't read my Bible and get anything out of it, and I can't pray except in bursts. That frustrates me greatly because I know that is exactly what I need more than anything else, but my OCD gets in my way and keeps me focused in the wrong direction. I have been pretty deaf Spiritually this past week or so, and it shows! My attitude is negative. I am frustrated with everything. I feel powerless and want to do absolutely nothing but crawl into bed.

And to think...just a few weeks ago I was talking to my husband about how God was working "balance" in my life. The very thing I have been struggling with and covet above all else...to achieve balance...where God is first (always), Steve is next (always) and everything else somewhere below that...nope...I haven't arrived yet. This week my circumstances and the demands of my life took center stage and everything else took a number...back up again, Tina, start over.

Good Gifts

It is like Christmas here every day! What fun we are having as the wedding details come together, items ordered arrive, and we pick up other items which are being personalized. This was the day we were to pick up the etched glassware. I didn't go with Kat to order in any of that so I had no idea what to expect. Katherine decided with the people at the shop what was going to go on her flutes, her vases, and her sand vase. Her and I had tossed around ideas but ultimately I knew the professionals were more qualified than I to help with that.

We were blown away by how gorgeous every thing is....and I mean GORGEOUS!

We left there and headed to Hobby Lobby, an almost daily venture as we attempt to get what we need on clearance! Today was success...flowers back on sale along with miscellaneous wedding items. We finished off the flowers and bought some tulle. That, ribbon, and bubbles are about what we are down to. (Yea) We finished all of that and after another detour came home. There was a box waiting-the fans came in! The fans didn't come assembled which is a plus, because we can run the backs through the printer to put the program on them! Told you....like Christmas.

It sure is hard to envision all the elements functioning as a whole. When we started the house reconstruction, that alone overwhelmed me. How would these colors work together, the textures, the details...it worked individually, would it work as a whole? Planning a wedding is like that too. Colors were chosen first, then design elements, flowers, what kind of decorations, dress and tuxes, flower girls and ring bearers outfits, all the little details that bring each of those individuals elements together in such a way to create a unique whole. Would it all work together?

In our house construction, and in our wedding planning, we are getting to see the finished product. The details in the house are gorgeous. Everytime we finish something, I stand back amazed that it all worked. I love the work we are doing, and I am loving the end product. The details of this wedding are gorgeous too. Words don't even capture how every part is contributing to the whole, how every detail reflects Katherine. Her personality is all over the place!

All of that brings me to another conclusion. As people, we are a conglomerate of our experiences: our childhood, the consequences of choices made, other people we encounter and the interactions we experience with them, our extended family and our friends, what we read, what we spend our energies on....all contribute to the whole. As an individual we also contribute to another whole, our families first, and then on a Spiritual level, to our church families. We complement one another, we serve one another, we are all important elements contributing to the whole. Although, we don't often get to see how it all comes together. We may never see a finished product.

Good gifts...every good gift comes down from Heaven (James). The best gifts, the gifts that matter, they don't come from catalogues, or department stores. They don't arrive in the mail. They come directly from God Himself! One of those gifts-love-and not just any love, but agape, true, unconditional love, is what marriage reflects. The kind of love that believes, bears, and NEVER fails comes directly from God! It is a good gift He expressed to us in sacrificing Jesus Christ for payment of our sin. We are able to love because He first loved us (I John). Thank you God for those good gifts!

Memory Lane

This past weekend, we finished our bedroom (yippee!) and went to the storage unit to get a few boxes of stuff which had originally come out of our room. The room is just amazing....it is just how I envisioned it, very relaxing, open and airy feeling, like a beach. The beach has always been the place where I felt the majesty of my Lord. I would sit and watch the surf, listen to the sounds, take in the sights, and just be awed by who God is. The feeling never got old, and always settled me down into an attitude of calmness and peace.

Our room captures some of that, and after a year of not being in our own space, I am so thankful for it.

Our stuff has been stored now for nearly a year and a half. I have completely forgotten what we own and obviously haven't missed much of it. I opened our boxes to discover a completely different life. I was flooded with pink and green-ugh...what was I thinking back then!? In the midst of all of that, I also came across books, journals, mementos which represented periods of our life together. One of those was a bell. Way back when, in a time long long ago and very far away, I collected bells. Steve bought me my first one in our early days of marriage. That one had a unicorn and rainbow on it. It has long since been lost, but my collection did grow for awhile until it no longer interested me at all. When we moved to this house, I got rid of all but two. I kept one of the first ones he bought me. It was a Franklin Mint with a butterfly and flowers on it. (I was also into butterflies). I unwrapped that one this morning to discover it in pieces. I fought back tears. So much has been lost this past year or so, and every broken thing reminds me of what was, what used to be, who we were just a short time ago.

In another box, I found journals. Journals which captured our heart for so many years. I picked up the ones I journal in to my boys and the one Steve journaled in for awhile. (Sometimes I journal in Steve's to him). Bible studies, books on marriage, Bibles in all sizes filled those boxes. I picked up a book I don't remember. I must have gotten it from my pastor when I was doing a paper on Elohim for an Old Testament class I took. The book is called "Learning to Worship HIS NAME." The front page has lists and lists of the names of God.

Today, my trip down memory lane saddened me at the loses, but also encouraged me with the victories. I am glad we aren't who we were. I am glad that what once was important no longer is. I am glad for God's tempering of us both. I am thankful God has allowed these storms, these obstacles, these transitions in our life so we both could grow into the people God has desired us to become. So...Jesus...bring the rain...bring whatever it takes to make me more like you. Thank you Lord, that you are: Jehovah (Lord, the one above all else ), El-Shaddai (God Almighty), Adonai (Lord, the owner of my soul), Jehovah-Jireh (Provider), Jehovah-Rophe (Healer) , Elohim( God who keeps covenant), Jehovah-Shaloam (Peace), El Rohi (The Lord my Shepherd), Petra (My Rock) , Pistos (Faithful), and Amnos (the Lamb who shed His blood for me).

Valleys

"Notwithstanding the Lord stood with me, and strenghthened me..." II Timothy 4:17a

Oh how I need strength right now! The battles have been fierce-add that to an already tumultuous schedule, too much to do physically in the window it needs to be done, and the valley ever widens.

Sometimes it seriously feels like we are alone in this journey. My head tells my heart otherwise, but there are days when it is hard to tell who will get the victory-head or heart. My heart, the feeling part that never seems to shut up, reminds me of things said, things done, pain inflicted by me and on me, struggles for identity, searching for God's will, and mostly aloneness-until someone needs me....and then I am surrounded. When my heart is in control-I feel isolated, unloved, as if no one really cares about me and what I am going through. I feel like the world is crashing in, and I am without power to make a bit of difference in anyone's life-let alone keep mine heading in the right direction. When my head has control, the part that trusts God and knows truth. My will spurs me forward, trusting, believing, not seeing, not expecting anything in return, but knowing God knows and He sees.

Hence the conflict...I feel alone, although I am not. I feel as if I just can't take another step, yet, I know God can give me strength to get through. I want to quit, my God calls out to faint not. It feels like it doesn't matter-but I know it does. And here I find myself...wrestling with emotion and truth down in this valley, looking for a way to get back up on the mountain top.

Come Apart-Rest Awhile

"Abraham Lincoln spoke wisely when he said; "I reckon that people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." You, and not someone else, choose how you will react to what life throws at you."

Yep, Yep, Yep....and life has been dishing it out lately. Today, I am absolutely exhausted, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. These battles have been fierce, and I have to come away to rest awhile.

I really struggled with what to do today. It is prison ministry today, and all week I was expecting I would go with one of our ladies. Both are unable to go today so what to do, what to do. I am loaning my vehicle out which means I am sharing with my daughter. She has to work today so there would of been a vehicle shuffle...not a real problem..but then I was in no way ready to teach today. I didn't even have an inkling of what to teach. I lay there last night and this morning thinking and praying and asking , "God, what do I do?" I can go by myself, I can teach, I can juggle vehicles, but what do I teach, and what do you want me to do?"

I was instantly reminded of the lesson I did last time about discipleship. My mind went right to the disciples reporting back to Jesus after they had been out ministering to the people: healing, preaching Jesus, etc. They had no time so much as to eat, the Bible says, and Jesus told them to come away and rest. I then remembered something one of my pastors used to say quite a bit-you teach from the overflow. If you are empty-nothing to give. I am definitely empty. I have been ministering, encouraging, praying, talking about Jesus, clarifying what salvation means to all those God has put in my life....and today....it is time to come apart and rest.

I opened up an online devotion and read Abraham Lincoln's quote....too easy to lose focus in the business....too easy to forget how much I need God. Without Him...I don't have anything to give.

Which is Harder?

Not sure what has been more exhausting lately, all the physical demands on me or the spiritual burdens I have been weighed down with? Hmmm...maybe the combination thereof. The past few weeks have been full of conflict as my extended family struggles with a variety of situations. I have been praying for my family for so long...so long....and to see God work in our lives is just incredible. I often take life for granted-not connecting that all that is before me is God at work. Right now, I would have to be blind not to get it!

My sisters and a brother live here near me right now....a first in our family history. With that proximity has come new problems. We are getting to know each other really for the first time in our lives, we are learning to communicate, we are learning to live with each other and let each other live...at least that is what I am learning. (Probably shouldn't speak for my siblings). Those concepts are not the easiest go get a handle on in the best of circumstances, and I dare say, our circumstances don't qualify for "best."

My sisters have spent a lot of time with me the last few weeks, giving my brother a much needed break. The past six months were quite different. They were with him pretty much 24/7 while my immediate family did our thing. That has been alot for my brother to carry (after all he has his own family and own life too), and now it is my turn. We are in a better place now to be of help, but still...trying...when we have a house to reconstruct....and our space is limited. My goodness...been trying for two weeks to finish painting our bedroom so we can move into it!

I just finished reading I Corninthians, and as I read that book, I realized that just as the church is made up of many members all having a variety of functions and gifts, a family too is made up of a variety of members-all very different. Together we can exhort and encourage each other to be the best we can be, apart, the burdens are heavier. Family is sweet, Church family is sweeter! Not all of my family knows the Lord, and of those, not all are Spiritually mature which means those of us who are have to carry more. That is true in Church too...and how thankful I am for my brothers and sisters in Christ who help me carry what is difficult at times to carry alone.

Physically...so much to do and not enough hours to do it in. House keeps coming to a standstill, and time is ticking away until my daughter's wedding. The stress of that can be suffocating. It is hard to deal with too...then I ask myself...what is really important here? All of it is important, but in varying degrees at varying times. Today....the Spiritual is more important, because the house is temporal...Lives are at stake in the Spiritual ream....the house will be waiting when the Spiritual settles down a bit.