I was reading an online devotional today about taming the tongue. I have done whole studies on that subject, for obvious reasons. Controlling what comes out the mouth is incredibly important; however, since what comes out the mouth reflects what is in the heart, what is in the heart is of greater importance. My mouth reflects my heart.
That is exactly why words do hurt. That is exactly why unchecked comments leave scars. That is exactly why unwarranted criticism and self righteousness does the damage it does. I was talking with a friend the other day about how often in Christianity, especially in Independent circles, there is a focus on changing the outside without an equal emphasis on doing something about the inside. Granted man sees the outside, but God sees the inside. The thing is-the inside is always evidenced by the outside. It is something that can be hid or faked for a little while, but not forever.
I find myself in a familiar place, learning again, to tame my words, but in order to do that, I need to work on my heart and thought life. God calls us to love, not hate. Really hard to do that when there is fear. Love and fear don't go together. Real love, not what the world calls love, but real love as is evidenced in I Corinthians 13 does this: It is patient, It is kind, It does not envy, It is not proud, It is not rude, It doesn't seek to gratify itself, It doesn't think evil, It does not rejoice in iniquity, but in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. It never fails. Real love, agape, unconditional love, never fails.
I can't be something I am not. I can't fake emotions that are not there. I can't pretend like I am not hurt or not angry. I can cover it up for awhile, but it is still there, and eventually, it will bubble up to the service and come out my mouth. Being quiet is a start. Putting a guard on my mouth and bridling my tongue-that is a start, but even deeper-I need to seek God for a heart change, because when I really put my relationships to the "love test," I find that very few people love me like that, and I love very few people with that kind of love. Unconditional love expresses itself in pure grace. I don't deserve the grace God extends to me. I don't deserve His undying love. I don't deserve to be sharing in the family of God. I don't deserve His precious gifts. Nobody does, but His Love Never Fails, and knowing that gives me great peace!
Monday, October 12, 2009
Love Never Fails
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
A Heart's Call to Prayer
As I was sitting in the Randy Travis concert listening to the words of the songs by both him and the opening artist, I knew once again that God was calling my heart to prayer. I have mentioned that before, but somehow just can't seem to get to where I need to be going. I KNOW that prayer is the real work of God. It is the avenue by which God works. We want God to do great things; we want to see God's hand; we want to know it is God, but disciplining ourselves to pray is not that easy.
I am not talking about pray over meals, pray for a parking space, send up a prayer for someone who has a need right at that moment, pray while driving....not those kind of prayers. Those prayers are worthy and it is certainly communication with God, and definitely falls under the 'pray without ceasing' category, but that just isn't where my problem lies. I have that down, it is the laboring, wrestling in prayer for God to do mighty things down on my knees when there is no one there but Him and I.
Alot of my problem is "time." Not that I don't have 24 hours a day just like everyone else has, but arranging my life to fit in that prayer time is the challenge. I don't have many moments where something else isn't biding for my time. Weak, I know...because really when I analyze that, I know it is a priority issue. I am allowing something other than God to have my time. I am giving my time to activities, situations, etc...that are nothing but hay and stubble. They are worthless apart from God's plan in my life. Only what He does through me matters.
So...yesterday, Sooner, the cat, broke his leg somehow. He came hobbling in the house right about the time I had to get ready for work. This is only really significant because we were just at the vet last week. We took Carson in the week before that to get a shot and groomed. No issues there. The following week, we took Pedro in for the same thing. First, I thought he was only getting one shot, turns out, it was time for the annuals. Ok...dealt with that, then went to go pick him up, and found out he has heart worms. This is our second bout with heart worms in a year. Carson had them first, resulting in an expensive treatment, and testing of the other dogs who all came back clear. Pedro has been on heartworm preventive, and has had no symptoms. Not that I doubt the vet, because I don't, but it was a blow, and the vet could see we were not happy campers. At first I thought we were going to have to put him down, because putting him through the treatment just wasn't an option. The treatment alone could kill him, and he isn't as young as he used to be. He gave us another option-to switch to Heartguard which over a period of years would kill all the heart worms without killing him. Not a quick fix, but doable. Back to Sooner. Not even one week later, Sooner is now at the vet. He was kennelled over night and getting x-rays today. (Anyone else seeing dollar signs!?) I started wondering, did we pay our tithes, give to missions, miss something somewhere? This is ridiculous, and seriously, we are not made of money over here. (I have been regretting getting back into the animal business when we were down to just Pedro and the fish!)
Then it hit me...I was driving to work praying and wrestling with all of this. My frustration was escalating. WHAT IS THE DEAL? (I practically yelled) Just Sunday night, I told God, whatever it takes Lord, I KNOW you are calling me to be a prayer warrior, and that is the desire of my heart. I want to KNOW God and KNOW God is at work, not me. I want to KNOW that what I am seeing is the fruit of His Hand, not my efforts being played out. I am willing to pay the cost to get to that point in my life.
It was only the cat (and the dog) that He used to get my attention, but it could have been one of my children, or grandson, or Caitlyn. It could have been my husband. It could have been something of such greater value, yet, I needed a gentle reminder. Not one sparrow falls to the ground that God doesn't know about. He cares for each one. No prayer is too small or too big for Him. He just wants me to commit to living my life with Him at the center of it, seeking Him in prayer, and interceding on others' behalf! God...I am listening. Keep my heart tuned in to you!
Monday, September 28, 2009
Randy Travis Concert
I NEVER win anything...up until this week that is. My hubbie entered me into a drawing for 4 tickets to hear Randy Travis perform at one of the local churches here. I didn't even know he had entered me, so the win was that much sweeter. I found out Friday night that we had won. Then I started debating...4 tickets? Steve said he would watch Caitlyn if I wanted to make it a girls' night out, which is what we did. Sometimes something is so ordained by God that all I can do is stand in awe. This was one of those times. The opening musician gave testimony about her struggle with depression, and her songs were songs of deliverance and victory. We barely made it through that without tears. Then Randy Travis took the stage. He sang a mixture of songs, told a few jokes, shared his testimony, and sang again. At one point, I reached over and hugged Tonia, and asked her if we were going to make it through the night without tears-we didn't! One of the songs he sang I have never heard before but was so powerful. "Raise him up" I am going to look for it on youtube, but for the moment...back to his testimony-the Pastor presented a clear presentation of the gospel and provided opportunity for anyone present to accept the Lord. It was just sweet to not only be there, by without aqny previous effort on my part, and to be sharing that with three beautiful women. All of us needed to be there. All of us heard God's message in song...I found myself praying in my heart and seeking God's desire for my life and knowing His call on my life has been the same for quite some time, yet, I keep struggling to heed it. Lord, help me to not only hear, but to obey!
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Window or Bug?
My sister (in Christ) and I have been doing alot of "communicating" this past month. She has been sharing what she is learning, and I realize more every day that we are learning the same thing. Two different people, two different lives, two very different circumnstances-yet the same lesson. How do I live my life according to God's plan for me and help those God has put in my path? How do I do both without compromising who I am in Christ? As Beth Moore puts it: "People can help us but they can't heal us. They can lift us but they can't carry us."
Beth Moore is using the story of Joseph and his brothers to illustrate this point. They lowered him into the pit-he is there not because of his choosing, and they also lift him out-but only to place him in bondage. If people are our savior than we live in bondage. No one person can be our deliverer. Hence, we can't be a deliverer, a savior, or the all in all in anyone's life. We need each other, but as a help to keep us pointed in the right direction and accountable. We can be Jesus' hands and feet without carrying what He is supposed to be carrying.
That is one of the areas I have struggled with. As the oldest in a dysfunctional family, I have been trying for years to keep it all together. Call when someone has an issue. Send cards. Go out of my way to be involved in their lives and the lives of their children. I have tried to "carry" a responsibility that wasn't soley mine, and I felt the weight of it-HEAVILY. I have also done that in my immediate family-feeling like the relationships were my responsibility to maintain. What could I be doing or not doing? The last time Tonia and I were together I was overwhelmed with what I was carrying. I felt used. I felt taken advantage of. I felt unappreciated. I felt like I had to keep it together-until those moments when I just couldn't.
Freedom in Christ is liberating. One of the conversations we have been having is whether we are the window or the bug. That phrase has seriously caught on and will certainly become one that defines our choices. Am I going to live my life in such a way that I spend it squashed, defeated, hindered and in pain? Am I going to compromise myself to meet someone else's demands on me? I have lived that way...in an attempt...to carry the weight of something that was God's responsibility, not mine. The irony of a life people centered instead of God centered is that the demands can never be met. There will always be someone who want you to be someone you can't be or want something you can't give. It is impossible to get victory that way. It is a never ending cycle. We are either loved and accepted where we are and love and accept others where they are or we live as the bug.
Today (confession: got behind last week and had to catch up these past two days on my 40 day-God allows us to start over every day. YAY!) the lesson was on "Impacting a Life in the Pit." She gives 5 areas we can impact:
1. Live by example so that others know it is possible to live in victory according to God's way.
2. Pray
3. Encourage
4. Direct them towards Jesus
5. As God allows, give counsel and advice.
The key in my own life is PRAY: pray that I am able to live the life God plans for me in such a way that I am impacting others. Pray for those who need God to intervene in their lives, for wisdom for them, and strength, open hearts to hear His Word and the change that needs to happen in their own hearts. Widsom in my own life to be an encourager and share His Word when He allows and directs me to do so. Prayer changes things in me and everyone else. It empowers. It also lays the burdens at Jesus' feet, taking them off of my shoulders!
"And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works..." Hebrews 10:24a
"But enxhort one another daily, while it is called today..." Hebrews 3:13a
Monday, September 21, 2009
Rejoicing in God's Provision
This weekend we v isited Berean Baptist Temple in Shreveport to hear one of our heroes preach. he preached from the story of Abraham sacrificing his only son Isaac and knowing the God that provides. Jehovah Jireh is probably one of my favorite names of God, and knowing that God does indeed provide, not just for our physical needs but our emotional and spiritual needs as well. God allows the trials in our lives. He is at work, and the work He is doing matters more than the pain we may be temporarily feeling.The Girlfriends in God devotion today reminded me that what God does He does for His good. Someone else may mean evil, but God is infinite love, and in His love for me, He is conforming me to His image!
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September 21, 2009
The Promises of Problems
Mary Southerland
Today's Truth
"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good." Genesis 50:20
Friend to Friend
If you are like me, you prefer days when the sun is shining, the sky is blue, and not a cloud in sight. Problems tend to irritate me because they make me realize just how frail I am as a human. But I have come to realize that every problem points to a promise.
Promise of direction
God uses problems to show us the way. We would walk through the wrong door if He didn't close it. Years ago, I dated a young man I thought I would marry. We had it all worked out. He was a preacher and I played the piano and sang. What could be more perfect? I began to pray, "Lord, if he is not the one, just close the door!" The very next conversation I had with this young man ended our relationship and resulted in my taking a church staff position that led me to Dan Southerland. I look back and thank God for that closed door.
"Sometimes it takes a painful situation to make us change our ways." Proverbs 20:30
Promise of correction
God uses problems to correct us. I have come to realize that some lessons can only be learned in the darkness, through pain and failure. When our daughter was a toddler, she was fascinated with electrical outlets. Nothing we said or did seemed to deter her...until the day she stuck a safety pin in the outlet. "Ouch!" she cried, holding up her little red finger for me to kiss. She never played with an outlet again.
"It was the best thing that could have happened to me, for it taught me to pay attention to your laws." Psalm 119:71-72
Promise of protection
A problem can be a blessing in disguise if it keeps you from being hurt by something more serious. It was so hard for me to take our children to the doctor to get immunization shots. I would take a healthy child into the doctor's office and come out with a little one who was fussy, sore and running a low grade temperature. Our pediatrician finally said, "Mary, just think of it like this. You are allowing your babies to experience a little hurt in order to prevent them from experiencing a bigger hurt. A tetanus shot is nothing compared to tetanus itself.
"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good." Genesis 50:20
Promise of perfection
Problems, when responded to correctly, are character builders. I recently spoke for a women's conference that used the theme of "Problems into Pearls". Strands of pearls were everywhere - the center of each table, on the podium from which I spoke, draped across tables - and many of the ladies wore pearls that day. When the worship leader welcomed me, she said, "We have to get you some pearls!" Digging in her purse, she produced the most beautiful pearl necklace and placed it around my neck. As the day went on, I spoke several times, counseled and prayed with numerous women and tried to meet as many women as possible. When everyone had left, the woman came to retrieve her pearl necklace. I was embarrassed. I had worked up quite a sweat with all of that hugging, laughing, talking. She brushed my apology aside and said, "Sweat is good for pearls. It helps them keep their luster."
"We can rejoice when we run into problems... they help us learn to be patient. And patience develops strength of character in us and helps us trust God more each time we use it until finally our hope and faith are strong and steady." Romans 5:3-4
God is at work in and around you. You may not see His hand, hear His voice or even understand His process, but you can rest assured that you can trust His heart. Remember, every problem points to a promise.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
The Importance of My Thought Life
I am on day 15 (almost half way through my 40 days) and still with it! The thought that hit me today was the importance of our thought life and how we have to learn to do well. It just doesn't come naturally. Every once in awhile, out of the blue, usually at very odd times, some wierd thought or memory steals its way to the front of my brain. I know the thought itself isn't sin, it could be if allowed to take root and turn into action. Knowing that, however, doesn't alleviate the weirdness I feel when those thoughts are there. I am learning to instantly turn those over to Christ. He knows where those thoughts originate, and He alone can cleanse my mind through a continual focus on Him and His Word. I NEED His Word to cover my life and permeate my thoughts.
Speaking of...since we flooded last year, the radio has been going almost 24/7 on KLOVE. It is a national contemporary Christian radio station, and it has so impacted us. It is on in our vehicles as well, so you go from one place to another hearing Christian music and messages and prayers and verses and testimonies. It is powerful to say the least.
There were so many Scriptures in my devotion today. I usually look those up myself and read around them to get the context. In Isaiah 1:16-20, God is exhorting the Israelites to wash themselves, to put away evil from them, to learn to do well and seek judgment. In 19-20 He says, "If ye be willing and obedient, ye shall eat the good of the land: But if ye refuse and rebel, ye shall be dvoured with the sword: for the mouth of the Lord hath spoken it." I read that in relationship to the Lord speaking to my heart, directing my path, and the many times I refuse to listen. Not always a full refusal, but sometimes, I can't distinguish the voices, and not sure who is speaking so I do what I want instead. Rebellion against the Lord is still destructive and still sin. It destroys hearts and lives. Therein lies the choice, to be willing and obedient, not hardening my heart against what God is showing me, or to rebel? That choice is made in my heart and mind. I think about it, ponder it, and decide. Back to: I NEED God and His Word. Without Him, I can't begin to choose right. I can't learn to do well. I can't put away evil. My thought life-working on that with the help of Christian music, prayer, and God's Word...it is important...going to heed.
PS...this blog is about to undergo a facelift...a much needed one too...so the let the construction begin....
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Still Learning...Still Thankful God is Clearing...
When I started this blog, God was doing a work in me. I often forget that God's timing is not our own, and when He starts something, He does finish it. However, could take a minute. It has certainly been a minute! I grew up in an abusive home. When you live like that, you don't realize its impact on you-it is just what it is. Years later, I was sitting in a parenting conference while my husband and I were stationed in Spain. We were at the end of the conference, and there was a Chapman song being played that was about the role of a father in a daughter's life. That last bit was all about how dad's impact daughters, and how the lack of a dad "figure" plays a devastating role in establishing a girl's security and identity. It hit me then how true that rang in my own life. My own dad was MIA and the dad I knew was abusive. There was no real dad, and suddenly the pain was more than I could bear. I broke into hysterics.
Fast forward a few more years, and we are back in the states, stationed in Louisiana. We are closer to family now and making an effort to spend some time with them. I thought I had dealt with those issues, but every time I went home (either my mom's or my dad's) I was flooded with emotion again. I would either cry myself to sleep while my very patient husband held me, or I would just have to go somewhere where I could get a grip. I never really dealt with any of it, I just ran away from it. The thing is, I didn't know I hadn't dealt with it. I was saved. I knew truth, but knowing didn't erase the memory, the impact, or the pain of my childhood. It wasn't until my step-father lay dying, family gathered around, me in the car on the way-a trip that takes about 9 hours by car. Every step of that journey, God was healing my heart and bringing about forgiveness so that I could win him to Christ before his time was up. I tried to witness to him before, but my heart harbored so much bitterness that I couldn't witness. Can't witness without love. Have to be able to love first. There I was with the very last opportunity I would ever have to tell this man that Jesus loves him, and I was hyperventilating. I could not breathe. I literally had to pull over at a Wal-Mart right down the street from my parents’ house and pray with my husband so I could go forward. Somewhere in that 9 hours, God gave me forgiveness and love for him. I walked in with nothing but love in my eyes.
I have experienced forgiveness. I have experienced real love. Both are priceless.
To get either though, I have to learn to deal with life and the situations that arise. I find that just hasn't been my mo. I am hurt, criticized, attacked, and could go on and on and on....but instead of saying "NO," I take it, I lay down. I curl up by myself and cry. I vent to my husband who encourages me. I sometimes lose it and explode because it has bubbled up and bubbled up. Losing it is not the solution. Allowing it to fester is not positive, but saying No is. No, I am not going to take responsibility for that. No, that has nothing to do with me. No, that was your choice, not mine. No, I am unable to do that. No, there are more important things in my life right now. No, you don't have the right to ______ (fill int he blank).
Setting up those boundaries, not allowing myself to be used and compromised, learning to express myself and deal with where I am are all tools I need to learn and utilize in order to grow as a person. I am who I am by the grace of God, and I don't have to be what anyone else expects or wants me to be.
The Beth Moore question today: What do I want? Hmmm....that is a tough one.
I want to make a difference. I live my life in an attempt to make a difference in lives. Sometimes I am rejected. Sometimes I am attacked or rejected, but...why would I expect anything different. Christ came to lay His life down for us, yet He is continually rejected. What I have gone through in my lifetime is so small compared to what Christ has given to me. I want to live my life for Christ. I want to follow His plan for me and in the end stand before Him just to hear, "well done."
He is still clearing the clutter out of my life. I am still learning....
Thursday, September 10, 2009
New Directions
Same message that God has been dealing with me from the beginning...but because I have a free will, I don't always choose to structure my life according to God's plan for me. The result is never pretty-usually disasterous; Not sure why it takes me so long to order my steps God's direction instead of my own!
Day 9 of my Beth Moore study Get Out of That Pit. At the end of each day there is a prayer journaling section. When I started this on Sept. 2, I had no idea I was in a pit! It is becoming painfuly clear that my definition of a pit was not in line with the author's definition. I now know I have been trudging along in the same muck and mire for some time now. One of my sons described me as mentally unhealthy...that has been my catch phrase since....mostly because I HAD to look that up to see if I fit the bill (what else do you do when someone you love levels a charge like that against you.) I don't in a physical sense have the symptons at all, ok..there is a tendency towards OCD, but even in a medical sense, I don't have that. (hmmm...maybe we could all learn something about making one sided judgment calls and listening to ungodly voices tugging at our heart and distorting truth-which I don't know anyone who isn't guilty of), but in a Spiritual sense, he might be on to something. My thoughts, my priorities, my life hasn't completely lined up with God's direction for my life. Not that I haven't been trying to live my life according to God's Word-I have, but doing it my way or rather what seems right in my eyes has set my feet on the wrong path way too many times now. That certainly falls under the caterogy of Spiritually unhealthy.
This week I have been home with Caitlyn while everyone else is at work. It has been an opportunity for me to have down time. I am busy, don't get me wrong, but during her morning nap, I am stopping my bustling around to sit with God and read my devotions. This morning I did a bit of snatch reading at the table while she was eating, and caught a few online devotions while she was watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. All of those moments are redirecting my thougths and in turn my heart. I realized yesterday that I was in no way close to the forgiveness stage-still in the anger, bitter, resentment stage. Forgiveness is a work of grace, and it may take a moment for God to work that out in me. I am angry in my heart and all the masking of it by day to day living doesn't change a thing.
After I journaled my prayer today, I looked back at day 1. What was I thinking when I started just over a week ago? Here is where I was a week ago, and where I am today.
9/2/09
Lord, I know I have been lower than I am right now. This is not a pit of despair, or a faith struggle, but a place of reprioritizing, My priorities aren't your priorities. My life isn't reflecting you-at least not all of my heart attitudes and what takes precedence in my daily life. I need you and only you to have the pre-Eminence in my every day. Lord, change my heart, change my focus. Give me a renewing that starts with you and roots in you. I need balance and I will never achieve it apart from you.
9/10/09
Lord, there have been so many stumbling blocks in my life along the way. I have fallen, gotten up, fallen again and gotten up again. I have been discouraged, overwhelmed,confused, and faithless, but You have been faithful to me. You have kept my foot from slipping. You have comforted my broken heart and wiped away my tears. Without you, where would I be? Lord, my relationship with you and my marriage are the most important things in my life-strengthen my heart, fill my eyes with Your vision for me, and keep me focused on you and my husband. Teach me to sit at your feet and be filled with Your Word and to trust in Your will for my life.
Every devotion, every conversation, every thing I read is pointing my heart back in the direction it should have been all along-towards my very personal relationship with my Heavenly Father, and my very precious relationship with my sweet husband. There is no longer a need for me to validate, or explain, or justify, or defend. I am forgiven in Christ. I am in Christ. In Him there is no condemnation-only grace. In His grace, I will become exactly who He has destined me to be assuming of course that I submit my will to His.
Same Direction
I have been using the few minutes I have in the morning to check mail, read an online devotion, and try to catch up on any blogs I follow. One I follow is a Christian ministry blog with thoughts for the day. With all of that, my devotions, and I have again picked up an Elizabeth George book (Life Management for Busy Women! LOL-been too busy to read it!) and started reading it again, God is directing my heart. I am always amazed how everything works together. The devotions, the thoughts, the book I am reading are all pointing me in the same direction. Isn't God good!!!
http://life-withchrist.blogspot.com/
My minutes are up, and I have to go!
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Out of Brokenness
"He knew every tear I cried and out of those tears and brokenness has come the most effective and powerful chapter of my life! I have discovered that the more we are broken, the more we are used - because of grace. "
I was telling my friend, Kayla, the other day that getting my devotions in right now is a little tough. My day revolves around Caitlyn, and I haven't quite mastered my time management yet. When she is sleeping, I am scrambling to clean up and do those things I can't do when she is awake-like take a shower! Kayla said to do them online. Good idea considering I get several online devotions. I have been taking a bit of extra time to browse through those. This morning while Caitlyn was in my bed watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, I read my online devotions-a line from which I quoted at the beginning. I grabbed my Bible and read Psalm 40:1-3
"I waited patiently for the Lord; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry. He brought me up also out an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings. And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear and shall trust in the Lord."
I woke up early this morning before Caitlyn woke up. I got my coffee and my Beth Moore. I have been working to stay faithful with that series, and up until yesterday was holding my own. Some days I squeeze it in while she is sleeping, other days I can't get it done till bedtime. Last night was one of those bedtime moments, but Caitlyn would not go to sleep. We were trying to settle her down so her mom could get a good night's sleep before starting her first day of work-no success. Her mom ended up having to drive her around to get her to settle down enough to go to sleep! To make a long story short, I missed a day in my series and had to make it up this morning which I did first thing.
It is much later now, after cleaning up, getting Caitlyn taken care of and down for a morning nap. My instinct was to scramble...but God called to my heart. I stopped, went to my room, cleaned up in there and sat down with my Bible to do the day's devotion. I need time with God if I am going to be who He wants me to be!
This devotional is bringing to light some things I needed in my life. It wasn't by accident that my online devotion today was right in line with what I am doing with this Beth Moore. The last several days, I have been reading about Joseph and his "pit" situation. His brothers threw him in a pit because of their jealousy. He found himself in a pit not of his doing; he was innocent; he was a victim. He could have allowed that situation to make him angry, but instead he trusted God's work in his life. Hmmm....I have found myself in similar pits...ones I fell into, ones I was thrown into by an unjust criticism, a bitter accusation, a harsh judgment...and usually from someone related to me. They go on with their lives after their venom has done its damage just like Joseph's brothers did. They feel justified-after all, don't we all have the right to express how we feel? I have heard that argument-ALOT. The problem with that argument is it comes from people who are only concerned with how they feel-not with how anyone else feels. Yes, I would say, you do have the right to express how you feel-but so does everyone else.
I have been broken for a long time. I have allowed someone else to be in control of my emotions. I have allowed my insecurity to place me in a position of compromise and validation. I have discovered that I have indeed been in a pit, not one of my making, but one I succumbed to willingly. Today, the focus was on forgiveness. Joseph forgave his brothers. Not forgiving means wallowing in self-pity, anger, bitterness, helplessness, all amidst the muck and mire. Forgiving means healing for me and my relationship with my Heavenly Father. It isn't about justifying someone else's actions, understanding those actions, or even coming to terms with them, it means letting go, not for them or because of them, but for me. I so needed that reminder. I needed to remember what forgiveness really is and what it is really about. Allowing that to wash over means God is at work in me and in my brokenness; He will reveal His grace!
No more trying to come to terms with it, figure it out, make sense of it, justify or validate, just forgiveness and grace. God knows where I am, how I got here, and where He wants me to be. He is the one at work. He is the one that matters. He has seen every tear, and He is setting my feet on a solid rock and putting a new song in my heart!
Thursday, September 3, 2009
40 Days
I made a trip to Lifeway earlier in the week, and of course had to browse the clearance aisle. I found a Beth Moore devotional journal. Devotional journals are always a hit with me. I like to write and the devotions included serve as prompts to get me thinking. This one is "Get Out of That Pit." Not that I am really in a pit per say, but change is always in order. This one screams lets get to changing. So, I picked it up yesterday to get started. She makes the point that "if we're willing to let truth speak louder than our feelings, and long enough that our feelings finally agree, we can be far more than okay" (pg. 1)
The intro talks about the significance of 40. 40 is the number for testing and trial. It rained for 40 days and nights, and the Israelites wandered for 40 years just to point out 2 examples. It also made me think of the Love Dare which is also a 40 day challenge. God changes people through trials and testings, and apparently 40 is a magic number. It is sure hard to commit to anything for that length of time, but if I can commit then I KNOW that He can change me too.
Here I am at day 2...Day 1 was "Come, Follow Me." The point being in order to follow, I have to leave behind something. I can't follow and hold on to where I was. There is no way I can change and stay the same at the same time. It is one or the other...hmmm...day 2 is "Bondage Blended In." The Scripture is John 5:3-6 about the impotent, blind, and halt waiting by the pool to be healed. A man had been there 38 years in that same condition and had no one to help him down into the pool. There he was, stuck in his own pit. Well...I am older than 38 (shhhh), and it is about time I made some real changes. Pit or no pit, change is necessary so here I go....40 days, only 38 more to go.
Monday, August 31, 2009
New Paths, New Decisions
Got this in my online devotions today...timing was ALL God and had to share! Juggling life is challenging and often what gets left out in my life is my devotional time or much needed time with my husband. Those are the two areas that I am learning to balance correctly. God continues to allow the same situations in my life that I have always struggled with -will I make the same decisions as I did before-the wrong ones, or have I learned to make the right ones!? I don't know, but do know if I don't learn to put God first and Steve second...any decision I make will not be according to God's priorities-they will be according to mine.
Today's Truth
"Wherefore be ye not unwise, but understanding what the will of the Lord is."
Friend To Friend
There is only one thing more painful than learning from experience - and that is not learning from experience. Life is a journey, not a destination. It is through that journey that we are born, broken, changed and shaped. God is big on learning the lessons of life because life is His chosen classroom through which He teaches His children His truth. One of the first and most vital truths we need to learn in our walk with God is obedience.
Truth does not change! We must change in response to the truth! A learned truth is an applied truth and when we apply truth, we are practicing obedience. When we don't learn from our wayward steps, we are doomed to make the same mistakes again, falling back into disobedience. It is like climbing the same old mountain again and again!
Dan served as Youth Pastor for many years in South Florida. Each summer, we took the youth on a mission trip to the mountains of North Carolina where they conducted youth rallies in parks, taught back yard Bible Clubs and held worship services in local churches. Everyone worked hard, but each afternoon was free time. We all piled into a rickety old school bus and headed for the mountains to play. Our favorite mountain activity was tubing. One year a pastor told us about a tubing company tucked up in the mountains on Lake Lure, assuring us that the crowds were small, the price was right and the ride was incredible. Off we went!
We soon discovered why it was such a great deal. You couldn't find the place! We got so completely lost - several times. After two hours of searching, we finally found the tubing company and had a great, but short ride. As we headed back to our hotel, one of the counselors wisely suggested that we write down the directions so that we would have them each year. Great idea!
The next summer, everyone was excited about tubing at our new spot - until we discovered that no one had actually written down the directions - and once again, we got lost, wasting an hour of valuable tubing time. I took matters in hand, grabbed a piece of paper and wrote down detailed directions.
The following summer, we were half way to Lake Lure and the mapped out tubing spot when we discovered that we had indeed documented the directions but had left them at the hotel. Once again, we went around that same old mountain, wasting time and energy until we found the tubing place. I looked at Dan and said, "We must be slow learners!"
I am afraid that our Father looks at us many times and with a broken heart wonders, "Why are they so slow to learn and practice my Truth?" In order to learn the ways of God we have to know the Truth of God. Saturating our lives with Scripture is essential to finding and doing the will of God. The Bible is the road map, the blue print and the ultimate plan for our journey.
As we begin to walk in the right direction we must not only have the right directions for today, we must go back and destroy those paths of yesterday that once led us in the wrong direction. Eliminating wrong choices makes the right choices much easier to make. Some of those old paths are familiar and may be hard to uproot. A friendship may have to be ended. A behavior pattern may have to be changed. A habit may have to be eliminated. But if it leads to sin, if it makes it easier to sin, if it entices or tempts you to sin, run from it now! Don't go around that same old mountain of wrong choices again. Learn the lesson and choose obedience.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Schedules...and....Caitlyn
Caitlyn gives me lots of times to slow down and ponder...just ponder. My schedule has completely changed to accommodate her. Here is how my day goes. She wakes up around 7 or 7:30. Papaw gets her out of the crib and she comes and hangs with me in my bed for a bit. He gets ready for work while her and I have a snack, play, and watch Disney.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Family?
That idea, family, what is it and what does it mean? Good question...thought I might look that up, and so I did. There is the obvious: group of related individuals and so on and so forth, but the one that grabs my heart especially right now is this definition: a group of people who are generally not blood relations but who share common attitudes, interests, or goals and, frequently, live together
This week, this month, this year, what is important to me, and who is important to me has taken a radically different turn. Much of that is the result of the flood. When your life is in total chaos, ruins of wet clothes, books, furniture, mementos, and everything else is laying on the ground before you, you take stock. What is really valuable? Mementos represent memories, but they aren't the memories themselves. Stuff can be replaced, but much of it needn't be-didn't really need it in the first place... and there is people. People can't be replaced, but God sure knows how to comfort a hurting heart. That brings me to what family is to me...and how it relates to where I am right now.
This week was a blurr...so much going on with so many obstacles. When Tonia went in the hospital on Thursday, my heart went into meltdown. We should have taken her on Tuesday, but really thought it was a mixture of lack of sleep, dehydration, and blood pressure. We tried to treat the headaches dealing with all of those things, but to no avail. It didn't turn out to be any of those things, so here I am on Thursday with a full day planned, and Steve and I are playing tag team with Tonia at the emergency room. She complained-told us we didn't have to stay with her. I told her, I knew that, but we weren't leaving her alone. So, here is how the day went.
Tonia told us at just after 11 that her counselor insisted she go to the emergency room. I had plans and could not take her, so Steve loaded her and Caitlyn and they left. Kat, Carol, and I went shopping. It took us several hours to get what we needed and get back. We walked back in around 4:30. I got everything set up for the barbecue, left instructions with Jon and Kat, called Steve and headed up to the hospital. He came back and went to work. I sat there with Tonia, just her and I chatting for an hour or so. As the time for the bbq drew near, and I knew people would be arriving...I began to feel my heart being torn between the need to be in two places at once. I couldn't leave Tonia, and I knew that my family could handle this barbecue, but I wanted to be with them too.
Tonia was taken to get an MRI which left me alone in the room. I sat and sat and sat....too still...too quiet...and the meltdown came. I was flooded with emotion and cried. We are talking near hysterics. I called home to see how it was going, still fighting with emotion, and asked to talk to Shawna. She got on the line; she listened to me cry, she encouraged me...she told me she had it all under control. She was there, not because she was our wedding coordinator, but because we are family, and that is what family does.
Now here is the thing...Shawna is no blood relation, but this year she has been with me through every moment. She has loved me, let me cry, let me be unreasonable, been honest, supportive, carried my burdens when I couldn't, and when no one else would. That is what has mattered, not that we are blood, but that she loves me and is there. Presence matters. It is hard to share a life when you aren't present. And it is hard to share a life when your efforts aren't reciprocated. You know...those relationships where you make a special effort to call, send a card, invite, go see, stop in, drive six hours out of your way just so you can see them, remember a birthday, an anniversary, Christmas, but...no response on the other end. They didn't leave the light on for you, no open door, nope....blood or not....that does not make for a family.
Ironically enough, a family member said out loud in my presence a year back...well commented actually, and it was a comment directed towards my side of the family, that no one wants to make an effort. She indeed hit the nail on the head, but she wasn't describing me. I do make the effort, I have made the effort over and over and over again, for over 20 years. Once in awhile there is a light on....like Katherine's wedding. My brother flew from Alaska to be here and see her get married-light. Another brother and I, despite our conflicts, were able to lay that aside, and he was a great help the day of the wedding-light. Nothing compares to arriving at Olde Oaks at 7:45 am to finish decorating and be dressed by 9, to discover my brother, his wife, others that had committed to helping us all there ready to go doing what they knew to do. I had no worries at all, and I was tremendously blessed by their sweet help and presence-light.
My husband told my mother-in-law once yeas ago when she was complaining about not seeing us for awhile that the road goes both ways. We had been driving to see her, going to church on our own while we were there, but she wasn't making the effort to come to us. That changed that day-she decided to put some effort into the relationship, and our relationship blossomed. The road does indeed go both ways. You don't get to be family when it is convenient. You don't get to be family when you want something. You don't get to be family when you want to be recognized as family. You get to be family when you are willing to be put something into it, when you are willing to get on that road and sacrifice some of your life, lay aside some of your pride, lay aside your hurt feelings, your dreams, your desires, your misconceptions, yourself-you....that is what Shawna has done all year, she has put aside her life for mine, and she did it when my blood family was MIA. She isn't the only one in my life that is true of...and one more thing....
That night, Thursday, I was sitting in the emergency room with Tonia because I count her my sister, and I love her. While I was there, Tami was texting me to see how I was doing and how she was doing. She told me that there was a lot of people at my house. She said you have so many people in your life, there is so much about you I don't know. Today, the day after the wedding, she text me to see how I was doing, and she reminded me that I am blessed. I forget sometimes....but I am. There are alot of people who share my life, who love me despite me, who let me be me. Katherine had the perfect wedding and that is why...people who share our lives were there....those are the people we count as family. Not blood, but family. (And Tami, we have shared so much together...there really isn't much you don't know!!!!)
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Unexpected Turns
As I am sitting here in my bed just past 6 am with Caitlyn beside me, I realize again and again that life takes unexpected turns. She is just as happy go lucky as she could be, considering she has been up since 4 am. She is alot more chipper with six hours of sleep than I am feeling with my four! Right at this moment, she is in bed with me, watching Mickey Mouse Club...and it has her full attention!
I didn't expect to be spending the last few days before a wedding quite like this....but God knew. Life is full of unexpected turns-you know the kind...You are cruising right along at full speed unaware that just up ahead, just out of sight, there is a bend in the road, and not only are you going to need to slow down, you are going to need to make a turn. Sometimes you have to completely turn around and head in a different direction. This is one of those times.
It has been a moment since I knew what channels were good for kids, or how to juggle household responsibilities and take care of a baby, but I have done it. I did know how once upon a time. I can do this again, but only in God's grace-only through His provision. That is the thing-when I am busy, it sure is hard to find time for my time with God and my "me" time. I know I need both, but squeezing that in...not so easy.
I have been on this road before. I have fallen on my face, not able to handle all that was before me, because I did it instead of allowing God to do it through me. I learned the lesson. I know what I did wrong every time before, but can I get it right this time? Hmmm...don't know....might be why I am on this road again. It isn't all about me, of course, but when God works, He works all around us, so it is about me too. Unexpected turn...it is indeed....but, hey I am flexible. Ahhh...Papaw just came back into the room. He is sitting with Caitlyn in front of him watching Donald Duck! [So sweet...should grab a camera!]
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Sticks and Stones
I had a really rough day yesterday as I learned that another family felt the need to attack me. I am not counting at this point, but apparently it is quite sport for my family members who by the way haven't begun to walk a mile in my shoes to stand back in judgment of me. Whoever said sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me wasn't attacked verbally on a regular basis, I am sure of it, because words do hurt. What is so hard about being graceful? What is so hard about letting people live their own lives without spewing vomit all over them? I know...it is easier to point the finger at someone else, criticize them and their choices they are making then it is to look at our own lives and do something about ourselves. I am convinced that if we spent more time looking inward and less time looking outward that we would learn to live in grace, not condemnation.
After a tear filled day, an explosion venting moment which my dear little sister had to endure, some reflection and encouragement from my husband, and time to counsel with another friend of mine who knows all too well what judgment feels like, I have a better perspective. I opened my Bible today to read in Job. I read Job 19:2-4 "How long will ye vex my soul, and break me in pieces with words: These ten times have ye reproached me: ye are not ashamed that ye make yourselves strange to me. And be it indeed that I have erred, mine error remaineth with myself." How encouraged I am with the story of Job. Here he is sitting in sackcloth, having lost everything, completely miserable and instead of his friends and wife encouraging and supporting him, they are standing in judgment...as if they have a clue. I was instantly reminded that God exhorts us not to judge...why not?
We don't have the whole picture. When we judge, when we criticize, we become God. We elevate ourselves to a higher plane. We know better than that. We are smarter than that. I would NEVER do that (be careful with never). If I was in that situation I would do....and on and on and on...as if we have all the knowledge in the world. The things is, we don't. We don't know. We can't always see how the choices we make are going to turn out. We can't always make informed decisions because we don't have enough information. We don't know what we would do given those same set of circumstances. If you are going to judge me, first grow up in an abused home where sexual vulgarity, profanity, degradation, and physical abuse are the norm. Then try to escape that, run away and try to get your footing. Then get married at 17 with no clue on how to be a wife. Get saved and make a decision to live your life for Christ, praying in tears for your lost family. Desire to raise your children to serve the Lord, despite having no home training of your own to go on, no real relationship with your family members, go it alone, just you, your husband and Christ. Do everything you know how to do and then let your children go. Don't forget to struggle with that because letting go is easier said than done. Wrestle with the decisions that need to be made now that they are grown and try to grapple with your faith that is now seriously under fire. Consider abandoning that faith and contemplate what would life be like if you weren't around. Next, get it together, go on with your life, make commitments, decisions, pour your heart into everything you do, just to have your face slapped every time you speak, act, share your heart, or wait....when you actually disagree with someone or won't do what someone thinks you should. Now...when you have done all of that, plus juggling life demands, work, education, friendships, church ministries...and can make the right choice EVERY time, you are in a great place to stand in judgment of me.
Must be why God said judge not, because who else has lived my unique set of life circumstances? Who else has lived yours? And words...should exhort not tear down, lives should be lived in grace. We should be living in grace, extending it to those who least deserve it which certainly includes me.
For those who I know are reading this not because you want to share lives with other people but because you want something to criticize and judge, ...the rest of that verse says, judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. And why beholdest thou the mote that is in my brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye." Matthew 7:1-3
I can certainly testify that the verse is true. I went through the critical, judgmental, holier than thou phase, and I hurt people as a result, and although some I have been able to apologize too, the apologies haven't been accepted, hence doesn't even matter, and now...over and over and over....I am the object of judgment. It serves as a warning....you can keep judging me and criticizing me....but your day is coming, and it is going to be painful. Might want to deal with that beam in your own eye-taking it out is certainly less painful than the alternative.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Introspection
This class I am taking right now is a diversity class. Our professor has given us assignments that have really stopped me in my tracks....you know....when you have to answer questions that you had not really considered.
We have done some writing, which I love, but is also penetrating. One assignment was on teaching writing, and first step was to draw a heart. This would become a heart map. Inside we were to write the things that were important to us, people, places, events...took me a second, once I got past the obvious. Then we were to free write about one of those things. In my heart map, I wrote: faith and truth, my hubbie, Daniel, Robert, Katherine, Caitlyn, Aaorn, Destin, Paul's death, pregnancy, house flooding, etc....
Then looking over those things, I decided to write about being pregnant with Katherine. Here it is in a non-edited form:
It was September 1989. Steve and I were expecting our third child. This was at a time before routine ultrasounds, before we "knew" what were having. Everyone was sure we were having another boy. I was ok with that. We had two boys and loved them dearly; we could do another boy. What's so hard about boys?
September wore away and my due date came and went. What a long pregnancy! Is this baby ever going to get here? I was still certain we were having a boy and had settled on the name Paul Anthony. Paul after a friend of mine that had been killed as a teenager, and Anthony meant gift. I really liked our name, and was settled we were going to have a boy, until a friend of mine, Dianne, pointed out to me that maybe God knew I hadn't been ready for a girl, and maybe now I was. Hmmm, I thought, could I raise a girl. Maybe, I was ready to have a baby girl.
My "girliness" had been learned. I grew up a tomboy with no idea about dressing up, wearing make-up, with no fashion sense. I didn't even know how to walk and talk like a girl. Most girls learn these things from their mothers, but I didn't. What did I know about being a girl, let alone raising one!?
Wednesday night, October 11, 1989, the night before I was scheduled to be induced. I had had false labor for months now, so any contractions I had fit into that category (at least in my mind). I was in a church service at Torrejon Baptist, sitting next to a friend of mine. I told her I thought I might be having contractions. She timed me during the entire church service, and by the end of the evening, she was convinced it was the real thing. After much coaxing, Steve and I headed to the hospital-now after 9pm. That night, just a few hours later, my daughter made her debut.
I remember it being quite surreal to hear, "It's a girl." She weighed in at 8 lbs, 2 oz with a head full of black curly hair. A girl! A girl! There, she cuddled next to me, not Paul Anthony, but Katherine Marian-Jewell. My pure sweet little angel.
Today, she is almost 20 and about to be married. Being her mom has been one of the single most joys of my life. The road hasn't been smooth all the time. We struggled to evolve our relationship and come to terms with the two different people we are, but we made it. I treasure the moments we have shared. I used to crawl into her bed and sing to her, "You are my sunshine." That song is our song...she has been my sunshine...since the day she was born!
Friday, July 31, 2009
Be Careful What You Complain About
These past few days have slowed me down considerably-not a bad thing, actually gives me time to ponder and regroup which I have so needed. I actually slept this morning till almost 10:00! I NEVER do that. I was shocked when I stretched, focused my eyes and looked at the alarm clock-9:40! Whoa...I jumped up and got going. :)
After picking up a bit (one of those things I do while I am waking up), putting a few things away, getting dressed, making the bed, and ordering our bedroom, I got my Bible out and crawled into my big comfy chair in my bedroom. I LOVE that chair, and I LOVE the room. It is calming. So....pull my Bible out, read a devotional on the names of God and browsed through some I had previously read. I looked over some verses I have written out, and reached for my journal. I don't always journal. I like to write, and journaling focuses my heart and mind, but sometimes I am in too big of a spin to even focus long enough to do that-and that would certainly characterize my life lately. Today, I flipped through the pages to see what I had written over the past year or so. By the way...the journal I am writing in right now was given to me for Christmas in 2005 by one of my sweet sisters-the adopted variety (and you know who you are! :)
I sit there a bit reading through various entries and noticing the dates-just pondering what was going in my life at that moment. The day before the flood last year, I talked to God about the chaos, the noise, and the conflicts in my life...LOL....so that is what I THOUGHT was chaos...the next day, real chaos hit fast and furious. How short sighted I am!
The funniest one, and I am still laughing was an entry on March 28, 2008. Here is the entry:
Lord, not a great idea to start my day off angry, but I am. My husband's priorities are not my priorities-He never wants to do anything on the house. When it comes to the house-he says we don't have any money.
That is all I wrote that day, which is unusual for me. I usually ramble and ramble. I don't know what I was mad about, or what I wanted that he didn't want to give me. I have no idea, but I am guessing that graduation was just over a month and a half away, and I was getting ready for a house full of people. Since I tend to be a bit anal about that, I was probably trying to make some last minute repairs, paint...etc...and he didn't want to.
Wow...be careful what you ask for, or should I say complain about, because now the house is at the center of both our priorities. All we do is work on the house, together, all the time! Not only is that the case, it gets all of our extra resources! We spend $100's every week repairing the flood damage, upgrading, and redecorating this house. Last year, I was trying to get him to want to help repair the house; this year, I would like to QUIT repairing the house, do something else, and spend our money somewhere else!!!!! Yep...still laughing....wonder if God is laughing with me?
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Faithfulness
That has to be my most coveted character quality. It is the one that most testifies to me who God is. He is faithful, all of the time...not just once in awhile or when I deserve it, but ALL the time. I am so thankful He is faithful, and that His faithfulness is not tied to my faithfulness. I am not always faithful, but I want to be. My husband, however, has a remarkable sense of faithfulness. It is probably one of his strongest qualities...at least it is the one I admire the most.
One of the things that impressed me the most about Jon was his faithfulness. I am thankful that he too has that quality, and that Katherine responded to a man that has the same qualities as her dad.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Haven't Arrived
"Sometimes life's concerns can deafen our spiritual "ears." Before reading Scripture, ask God to help you hear and understand what He's saying. As you believe and obey, your spiritual hearing will become more acute, and your time in the Word will be an intimate conversation with the Lord. "
July 24, 2009The Living Word Hebrews 4:12-13
In Touch with Charles Stanley
How God speaks right where we are at never ceases to amaze me. I breeze through all these online devotions more than I read and consider them, especially lately. I was so tired yesterday and so overwhelmed that I sat down to read my Bible and not a word was sticking. All I could do was tell God how overwhelmed I was. I had no idea how I was going to make it through the day ahead of me....actually I am pretty amazed I made it to Friday, because the week wasn't looking to positive on Monday.
Went to the prison ministry yesterday after a very stressful morning, trying to organize ministry stuff and get all my homework done for class that night. I was looking at a very full day! I was tired before I ever got to the ministry and concerned about a situation that needed to be dealt with. I had no idea how to approach it in a way that encouraged instead of discouraged. Dealing with that had kept my mind swimming for days already.
I have focus problems...when things get too big for me to carry in my mind-nothing else gets any of my mental attention. I can't read my Bible and get anything out of it, and I can't pray except in bursts. That frustrates me greatly because I know that is exactly what I need more than anything else, but my OCD gets in my way and keeps me focused in the wrong direction. I have been pretty deaf Spiritually this past week or so, and it shows! My attitude is negative. I am frustrated with everything. I feel powerless and want to do absolutely nothing but crawl into bed.
And to think...just a few weeks ago I was talking to my husband about how God was working "balance" in my life. The very thing I have been struggling with and covet above all else...to achieve balance...where God is first (always), Steve is next (always) and everything else somewhere below that...nope...I haven't arrived yet. This week my circumstances and the demands of my life took center stage and everything else took a number...back up again, Tina, start over.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Good Gifts
It is like Christmas here every day! What fun we are having as the wedding details come together, items ordered arrive, and we pick up other items which are being personalized. This was the day we were to pick up the etched glassware. I didn't go with Kat to order in any of that so I had no idea what to expect. Katherine decided with the people at the shop what was going to go on her flutes, her vases, and her sand vase. Her and I had tossed around ideas but ultimately I knew the professionals were more qualified than I to help with that.
We were blown away by how gorgeous every thing is....and I mean GORGEOUS!
We left there and headed to Hobby Lobby, an almost daily venture as we attempt to get what we need on clearance! Today was success...flowers back on sale along with miscellaneous wedding items. We finished off the flowers and bought some tulle. That, ribbon, and bubbles are about what we are down to. (Yea) We finished all of that and after another detour came home. There was a box waiting-the fans came in! The fans didn't come assembled which is a plus, because we can run the backs through the printer to put the program on them! Told you....like Christmas.
It sure is hard to envision all the elements functioning as a whole. When we started the house reconstruction, that alone overwhelmed me. How would these colors work together, the textures, the details...it worked individually, would it work as a whole? Planning a wedding is like that too. Colors were chosen first, then design elements, flowers, what kind of decorations, dress and tuxes, flower girls and ring bearers outfits, all the little details that bring each of those individuals elements together in such a way to create a unique whole. Would it all work together?
In our house construction, and in our wedding planning, we are getting to see the finished product. The details in the house are gorgeous. Everytime we finish something, I stand back amazed that it all worked. I love the work we are doing, and I am loving the end product. The details of this wedding are gorgeous too. Words don't even capture how every part is contributing to the whole, how every detail reflects Katherine. Her personality is all over the place!
All of that brings me to another conclusion. As people, we are a conglomerate of our experiences: our childhood, the consequences of choices made, other people we encounter and the interactions we experience with them, our extended family and our friends, what we read, what we spend our energies on....all contribute to the whole. As an individual we also contribute to another whole, our families first, and then on a Spiritual level, to our church families. We complement one another, we serve one another, we are all important elements contributing to the whole. Although, we don't often get to see how it all comes together. We may never see a finished product.
Good gifts...every good gift comes down from Heaven (James). The best gifts, the gifts that matter, they don't come from catalogues, or department stores. They don't arrive in the mail. They come directly from God Himself! One of those gifts-love-and not just any love, but agape, true, unconditional love, is what marriage reflects. The kind of love that believes, bears, and NEVER fails comes directly from God! It is a good gift He expressed to us in sacrificing Jesus Christ for payment of our sin. We are able to love because He first loved us (I John). Thank you God for those good gifts!
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Memory Lane
This past weekend, we finished our bedroom (yippee!) and went to the storage unit to get a few boxes of stuff which had originally come out of our room. The room is just amazing....it is just how I envisioned it, very relaxing, open and airy feeling, like a beach. The beach has always been the place where I felt the majesty of my Lord. I would sit and watch the surf, listen to the sounds, take in the sights, and just be awed by who God is. The feeling never got old, and always settled me down into an attitude of calmness and peace.
Our room captures some of that, and after a year of not being in our own space, I am so thankful for it.
Our stuff has been stored now for nearly a year and a half. I have completely forgotten what we own and obviously haven't missed much of it. I opened our boxes to discover a completely different life. I was flooded with pink and green-ugh...what was I thinking back then!? In the midst of all of that, I also came across books, journals, mementos which represented periods of our life together. One of those was a bell. Way back when, in a time long long ago and very far away, I collected bells. Steve bought me my first one in our early days of marriage. That one had a unicorn and rainbow on it. It has long since been lost, but my collection did grow for awhile until it no longer interested me at all. When we moved to this house, I got rid of all but two. I kept one of the first ones he bought me. It was a Franklin Mint with a butterfly and flowers on it. (I was also into butterflies). I unwrapped that one this morning to discover it in pieces. I fought back tears. So much has been lost this past year or so, and every broken thing reminds me of what was, what used to be, who we were just a short time ago.
In another box, I found journals. Journals which captured our heart for so many years. I picked up the ones I journal in to my boys and the one Steve journaled in for awhile. (Sometimes I journal in Steve's to him). Bible studies, books on marriage, Bibles in all sizes filled those boxes. I picked up a book I don't remember. I must have gotten it from my pastor when I was doing a paper on Elohim for an Old Testament class I took. The book is called "Learning to Worship HIS NAME." The front page has lists and lists of the names of God.
Today, my trip down memory lane saddened me at the loses, but also encouraged me with the victories. I am glad we aren't who we were. I am glad that what once was important no longer is. I am glad for God's tempering of us both. I am thankful God has allowed these storms, these obstacles, these transitions in our life so we both could grow into the people God has desired us to become. So...Jesus...bring the rain...bring whatever it takes to make me more like you. Thank you Lord, that you are: Jehovah (Lord, the one above all else ), El-Shaddai (God Almighty), Adonai (Lord, the owner of my soul), Jehovah-Jireh (Provider), Jehovah-Rophe (Healer) , Elohim( God who keeps covenant), Jehovah-Shaloam (Peace), El Rohi (The Lord my Shepherd), Petra (My Rock) , Pistos (Faithful), and Amnos (the Lamb who shed His blood for me).
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Valleys
"Notwithstanding the Lord stood with me, and strenghthened me..." II Timothy 4:17a
Oh how I need strength right now! The battles have been fierce-add that to an already tumultuous schedule, too much to do physically in the window it needs to be done, and the valley ever widens.
Sometimes it seriously feels like we are alone in this journey. My head tells my heart otherwise, but there are days when it is hard to tell who will get the victory-head or heart. My heart, the feeling part that never seems to shut up, reminds me of things said, things done, pain inflicted by me and on me, struggles for identity, searching for God's will, and mostly aloneness-until someone needs me....and then I am surrounded. When my heart is in control-I feel isolated, unloved, as if no one really cares about me and what I am going through. I feel like the world is crashing in, and I am without power to make a bit of difference in anyone's life-let alone keep mine heading in the right direction. When my head has control, the part that trusts God and knows truth. My will spurs me forward, trusting, believing, not seeing, not expecting anything in return, but knowing God knows and He sees.
Hence the conflict...I feel alone, although I am not. I feel as if I just can't take another step, yet, I know God can give me strength to get through. I want to quit, my God calls out to faint not. It feels like it doesn't matter-but I know it does. And here I find myself...wrestling with emotion and truth down in this valley, looking for a way to get back up on the mountain top.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Come Apart-Rest Awhile
"Abraham Lincoln spoke wisely when he said; "I reckon that people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." You, and not someone else, choose how you will react to what life throws at you."
Yep, Yep, Yep....and life has been dishing it out lately. Today, I am absolutely exhausted, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. These battles have been fierce, and I have to come away to rest awhile.
I really struggled with what to do today. It is prison ministry today, and all week I was expecting I would go with one of our ladies. Both are unable to go today so what to do, what to do. I am loaning my vehicle out which means I am sharing with my daughter. She has to work today so there would of been a vehicle shuffle...not a real problem..but then I was in no way ready to teach today. I didn't even have an inkling of what to teach. I lay there last night and this morning thinking and praying and asking , "God, what do I do?" I can go by myself, I can teach, I can juggle vehicles, but what do I teach, and what do you want me to do?"
I was instantly reminded of the lesson I did last time about discipleship. My mind went right to the disciples reporting back to Jesus after they had been out ministering to the people: healing, preaching Jesus, etc. They had no time so much as to eat, the Bible says, and Jesus told them to come away and rest. I then remembered something one of my pastors used to say quite a bit-you teach from the overflow. If you are empty-nothing to give. I am definitely empty. I have been ministering, encouraging, praying, talking about Jesus, clarifying what salvation means to all those God has put in my life....and today....it is time to come apart and rest.
I opened up an online devotion and read Abraham Lincoln's quote....too easy to lose focus in the business....too easy to forget how much I need God. Without Him...I don't have anything to give.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Which is Harder?
Not sure what has been more exhausting lately, all the physical demands on me or the spiritual burdens I have been weighed down with? Hmmm...maybe the combination thereof. The past few weeks have been full of conflict as my extended family struggles with a variety of situations. I have been praying for my family for so long...so long....and to see God work in our lives is just incredible. I often take life for granted-not connecting that all that is before me is God at work. Right now, I would have to be blind not to get it!
My sisters and a brother live here near me right now....a first in our family history. With that proximity has come new problems. We are getting to know each other really for the first time in our lives, we are learning to communicate, we are learning to live with each other and let each other live...at least that is what I am learning. (Probably shouldn't speak for my siblings). Those concepts are not the easiest go get a handle on in the best of circumstances, and I dare say, our circumstances don't qualify for "best."
My sisters have spent a lot of time with me the last few weeks, giving my brother a much needed break. The past six months were quite different. They were with him pretty much 24/7 while my immediate family did our thing. That has been alot for my brother to carry (after all he has his own family and own life too), and now it is my turn. We are in a better place now to be of help, but still...trying...when we have a house to reconstruct....and our space is limited. My goodness...been trying for two weeks to finish painting our bedroom so we can move into it!
I just finished reading I Corninthians, and as I read that book, I realized that just as the church is made up of many members all having a variety of functions and gifts, a family too is made up of a variety of members-all very different. Together we can exhort and encourage each other to be the best we can be, apart, the burdens are heavier. Family is sweet, Church family is sweeter! Not all of my family knows the Lord, and of those, not all are Spiritually mature which means those of us who are have to carry more. That is true in Church too...and how thankful I am for my brothers and sisters in Christ who help me carry what is difficult at times to carry alone.
Physically...so much to do and not enough hours to do it in. House keeps coming to a standstill, and time is ticking away until my daughter's wedding. The stress of that can be suffocating. It is hard to deal with too...then I ask myself...what is really important here? All of it is important, but in varying degrees at varying times. Today....the Spiritual is more important, because the house is temporal...Lives are at stake in the Spiritual ream....the house will be waiting when the Spiritual settles down a bit.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
When I Pray...
This week has been one of those weeks that testifies that I am on the right track. You know the kind when you are making decisions, praying about direction, seeking to find God's will, and in the midst of that the sky begins to fall...not little rain droplets, not a summer drizzle, or a gentle refreshing kind of shower. Nope, not what I am talking about. I am talking about a full blown flash flood downpoor!
I left Dallas with new resolve. I have been doing these Bible correspondence courses that we are offering to the inmates we minister to. While in Dallas, I finished several including one on Prayer. One of the points the author makes during the study is that we should begin our prayers seeking God's plans and purposes for our life. My prayer life has been one of those areas I wrestle with. I tend to pray on the go alot, shooting up a praise or request in the midst of doing everyday tasks: grocery shopping, looking for a parking place, answering a question during a conversation, even as I lay down to sleep and rise in the morning. I don't however spend the time on my knees in intense one on one with God alone prayer. I covet that time. My heart yearns for that intense relationship with my Lord, but my world pulls at me drawing my attention else where.
Having that burden led me to discuss where my heart is with my husband. We discussed and began praying about a new direction for our life. My heart isn't completely in all that I am doing, but my heart is with the jail ministry. God has been doing an amazing work there through our Bible correspondence course. I have lost count as to how many women have completed at least one of those courses.
All of that brings me to my week. I was teaching two weeks on discipleship. Our pastor hit the topic this past Sunday giving me several more verses to consider and some additional points. I knew that today I would be teaching on what it costs to follow Christ and the difference between salvation and discipleship. I also knew where God was leading my heart in other areas of my life. The week started out fine with a girls' night out and shopping spree for wedding items. We had a great time and accomplished alot. Tuesday morning a conflict arose quite unexpectedly throwing me off balance Spiritually. That conflict continued through Wed. leaving me quite inattentive to Wed. night's sermon. I knew I had to get home and get my lesson ready to go, but I still had to wrap up some correspondence material. By the time church was over, I was so achey. My left hand was about useless, and oh...forgot to mention...we had an outbreak of ringworm, took the kitten to the vet, began treatment, and our a/c condensor unit froze up (all before Wed.). I get home, take a bath, take some meds, make coffee, and sit down to work on the materials. I hang till just after 10 and then I am just done. I head to bed.
I wake up early Thursday, not feeling any better. I laid in bed praying for God to multiply my time and get my heart and mind ready to teach. I get up, get coffee, sit down with my Bible and computer, and can't focus my eyes. It took me a minute, but then I was up. I spent the morning fighting my computer to get my lesson typed, pick up, did household chores, and got ready to go. By the grace of God I made it.
I was feeling a bit whiney after lunch and knew my attitude was not where it needed to be. I prayed. We got to the jail-went in-attendance was low and my attitude was still not in check. I dived in and realized I had forgotten to pray. I prayed, and as I did, my heart calmed and focused. The lesson went amazingly well in the first pod and off to second pod. That one took an interesting detour. Right at the beginning of the lesson, a question arose. I knew where it was going and again prayed. God gave me the answers, the attitude, the ability to recall verses to support what I was saying, and I knew God was there. It was very real.
I got home to find a houseful and my daughter in a not so good mood. She was struggling-teachable moment. I crawled in behind her, hugged her, talked to her, encouraged her, and prayed.
My sister had a conflict during the evening...one that is going to be trying for all of us, but we got busy, and now...gonna pray.
My, my....what God wants to do in our lives...if I will only pray....It is when I pray that I see God move heaven and earth...it is when we pray that the real work of God is being done. When we pray we see God change hearts, heal brokeness, bring restoration, and provide our every need of our hearts and lives. If prayer is the solution, prayerlessness might be the problem!
Friday, June 12, 2009
Lessons Learned
My mother-in-law had hip replacement surgery two weeks ago now. My husband and I had decided we definitely were going to be there for that and we were. We arrived very late on a Tuesday night for her surgery which was scheduled the following Wed. morning, very early might I add! We went to bed at midnightish and got up at fourish...ouch!
All went well with the surgery and the next day physical therapy started. She asked me to be her coach so I went along with her, listened, and followed instructions. We spent the next several days running back and forth to the hospital, hanging out in the hospital, visiting and encouraging her, and of course, going to therapy. I am so glad we were there. Her husband just couldn't handle being up at a hospital all day and without us, she would have spent much of her time by herself.
Steve left Sunday to return home, and I stayed for another week. My mother-in-law is very independent. I wasn't sure if I was going to be in her way more than a help to her, but I jumped in anyway hoping I could encourage her. It was such a sweet time to get to know her on a different level. She had to lay down most of the day which left her alone in her bedroom. I would crawl up in bed next to her. We did or should I say attempted to do some puzzles together, and we talked. (I did master my first sudoku!!!) She talked about her life, some her early experiences, and I talked about me, about my life. There were a few tense moments when the situation was suffocating to her-this strong independent woman who needed help dressing and taking a shower...but...despite the stress and tension between her and her husband....it was such a learning experience for me.
I not only had a great time with her, but had some funny moments with my father-in-law. He is sure a character...and that is putting it mildly! Not enough room here to to talk about all of that!
I had a lot of time to myself which I took advantage of reading two books and catching up on some Bible studies I was working on! I haven't finished two books in a week for as long as I can remember. One I was reading was Sheet Music. It is a Christian marriage intimacy book which my husband read earlier this year. (a little graphic and not sure I agreed with everything, but I would still recommend it for the points the author makes.) This was a good time for me to read and gain insight on how to better our relationship. After all, empty nest is right around the corner.
I came home with a renewed focus on my marriage, a new commitment for my life, a new resolve to achieving balance in my life, and last but not least....a new appreciation for the woman my mother-in-law is!
Friday, May 22, 2009
Oh Rats! Am I stuck?
I could seriously share some rat stories...one of the side effects of rebuilding a house in a rat haven! My greatest fear when we began this project was that the open walls and floors would be an open invitation to every critter known to mankind...and it has certainly not hindered some of them from coming in.
The other night Steve and I were eating dinner after church, sitting on the couch watching a House episode. We had just finished, were talking, just kind of relaxing for a sec when we heard this funny squeak. It got my attention and I sat up. I sat still to listen for it again, and then he heard it. It occurred to both of us what it was and we sat up to look behind the couch. Right behind us (for God knows how long) was a baby rat caught in a sticky trap.
He looked so innocent and helpless. I really felt bad for him. They don't die instantly in a sticky trap, they are just stuck. We discovered through our other adventures that they like chocolate, hence, all the traps have chocolate on them. Watching him try to get loose, and cry because he couldn't, really grabbed my heart. If he wasn't a rat, and me not, I would have wanted to save him.
In my mind, I made a connection. Here he was, very young, lured into this trap by a piece of chocolate, and now he was doomed. Isn't that exactly what happens every day in the life of believers? Something is so tempting, calling us to go down a road we shouldn't be on, away from the safety of God's Word and presence. If we submit to the temptation then the trap has us. We are stuck in situations we can't get out of. We are trapped by the lure of that piece of chocolate. This baby rat could have found something to eat somewhere outside in his own habitat and still be alive, but he went out searching in an area full of danger, and he was caught. Day after day, moment after moment is full of parallel temptations for us. We want that piece of chocolate, and it is in a place of danger. Sometimes the trap leads to death and/or destruction. We realize that the moment we are trapped, but it is too late. Once we are stuck, we are stuck, and it is over.
Not any smarter than the rat, not any more able to discern the consequence before we are stuck. The lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world...all pass away, but he that doeth the will of God abideth forever! (I John 2:16-17)
What to choose...taking a bite of the "chocolate" which leads to bondage and possibly death, or life?
Monday, May 18, 2009
Just Clay
We hit our one year anniversary of "The Flood." We are definitely going to review our life in terms of before the flood and after the flood. At the anniversary, we have our breakfast room finished, the office finished, and four more rooms plus hall ready to be floored. We still have the guest room, the den, and bathrooms to do. Despite the work before us, I am praising God we are in the after flood stage, even if I couldn't have known the after stage would be so life changing and so ongoing.
Yesterday, my pastor preached an amazing message. He is a phenomenal preacher/teacher any way-really a master teacher. There is no doubt he has the gift of teaching. He preached on the potter and the clay, but prefaced the sermon with a text from Jeremiah where God tells Jeremiah to go to the potter's house. Our pastor took us to the potter's house via a video. The video played behind him during the entire sermon. We witnessed the potter forming the clay, cutting away unnecessary parts, shaping, and reshaping to create what we couldn't see in the beginning. His point-isn't that what God is doing in our lives? He is forming us, cutting away to open up the insides, making bowls, vases, etc...vessels...for HIS use. He has a plan for us, HIS plan, and He works out HIS plan in our life. That plan means HE has to get rid of what is unnecessary.
I look at my life in light of that and wonder what HE is doing. I know that this year has been a cutting away, clearing out, and there is no doubt my Potter is molding this hunk of clay.
Monday, May 11, 2009
All of God's Creatures?
So God created everything. I certainly believe that, but I do have questions about that!
When we first began our demo and remodel, I was quite concerned about giving rats access to the interior of the house. After all, how do we keep them from coming in when there are holes in the floors and open walls? The answer to that is-we don't.
We are about to hit our one year flood anniversary, and we still have openings rats can get in. We have traps everywhere....literally. We know they get in the attic, although we haven't determined just where, and from there they go down the walls and out the openings at the bottom. There aren't baseboards yet to keep them contained. Steve said he thought the lack of baseboards was the problem, but I wasn't sure I believed him.
Last night I noticed some droppings in our room...ugh...a rat running around is bad enough, but in our room!!! I couldn't sleep imagining all sorts of horrors. Some where around 5 this morning, our daughter knocked on our door to tell us there was a rat in her room. The room she sleeps in is done. There is no way for a rat to get in there except under the bedroom door. She was certain one had been in there, but I was so tired. We told her to try and go back to sleep, yea right..I had been up most of the night dealing with my own fears...and she really thought one was in her room-there wasn't going to be any sleeping going on there.
After a few minutes, we got up to check out the situation. I knocked on her door. She had investigated. She heard something fall and noticed a tootsie roll pop on the floor under her dresser. She didn't think that had been there before, but she didn't see anything else except one rat dropping. She lay back down, and a little bit later she heard something. The sucker had moved to under her bed. We looked around and couldn't find anything else in her room. We walked around the house looking for evidence...nothing...till....I walked in her actual bed room and bathroom. We knew they had been coming in there and had set traps. I turned the light on and saw movement. I screamed (of course) and rat darted. It went under the wall into the hallway and back into the wall on the other side of the hall. Everyone came running. Steve reminded me that baseboards were the issue, the lack of that is. I was pretty grossed out. He set traps out in the path, since rats are creature of habit, and I let Maggie in. Maggie is our bulldog mix huntress. She came in and set about searching. I somehow feel so much safer with her in the house. She is going to get to come in ALOT today!
So...to what purpose are rats again? Annoying I say. Disgusting scavengers who apparently like chocolate...and here is food for thought. Rat gets in and runs around...whole pantry is on shelves in the kitchen while we are finishing up the actual pantry. Trash is right there in the kitchen...with all these food options wide open...it squeezes under a bedroom door to get a sucker????? We are definitely baiting these traps with the wrong thing!! LOL...Steve told Kat to go put her sucker by the trap! ROFL...she found that not so funny.
I am going to be a little gun shy today, looking under, around, by everything...even though my rational mind tells me that he is long gone and won't be back before tonight....hmm...Maggie, here girl...want to sleep with mommy???
