New Directions

Same message that God has been dealing with me from the beginning...but because I have a free will, I don't always choose to structure my life according to God's plan for me. The result is never pretty-usually disasterous; Not sure why it takes me so long to order my steps God's direction instead of my own!

Day 9 of my Beth Moore study Get Out of That Pit. At the end of each day there is a prayer journaling section. When I started this on Sept. 2, I had no idea I was in a pit! It is becoming painfuly clear that my definition of a pit was not in line with the author's definition. I now know I have been trudging along in the same muck and mire for some time now. One of my sons described me as mentally unhealthy...that has been my catch phrase since....mostly because I HAD to look that up to see if I fit the bill (what else do you do when someone you love levels a charge like that against you.) I don't in a physical sense have the symptons at all, ok..there is a tendency towards OCD, but even in a medical sense, I don't have that. (hmmm...maybe we could all learn something about making one sided judgment calls and listening to ungodly voices tugging at our heart and distorting truth-which I don't know anyone who isn't guilty of), but in a Spiritual sense, he might be on to something. My thoughts, my priorities, my life hasn't completely lined up with God's direction for my life. Not that I haven't been trying to live my life according to God's Word-I have, but doing it my way or rather what seems right in my eyes has set my feet on the wrong path way too many times now. That certainly falls under the caterogy of Spiritually unhealthy.

This week I have been home with Caitlyn while everyone else is at work. It has been an opportunity for me to have down time. I am busy, don't get me wrong, but during her morning nap, I am stopping my bustling around to sit with God and read my devotions. This morning I did a bit of snatch reading at the table while she was eating, and caught a few online devotions while she was watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. All of those moments are redirecting my thougths and in turn my heart. I realized yesterday that I was in no way close to the forgiveness stage-still in the anger, bitter, resentment stage. Forgiveness is a work of grace, and it may take a moment for God to work that out in me. I am angry in my heart and all the masking of it by day to day living doesn't change a thing.

After I journaled my prayer today, I looked back at day 1. What was I thinking when I started just over a week ago? Here is where I was a week ago, and where I am today.

9/2/09
Lord, I know I have been lower than I am right now. This is not a pit of despair, or a faith struggle, but a place of reprioritizing, My priorities aren't your priorities. My life isn't reflecting you-at least not all of my heart attitudes and what takes precedence in my daily life. I need you and only you to have the pre-Eminence in my every day. Lord, change my heart, change my focus. Give me a renewing that starts with you and roots in you. I need balance and I will never achieve it apart from you.

9/10/09
Lord, there have been so many stumbling blocks in my life along the way. I have fallen, gotten up, fallen again and gotten up again. I have been discouraged, overwhelmed,confused, and faithless, but You have been faithful to me. You have kept my foot from slipping. You have comforted my broken heart and wiped away my tears. Without you, where would I be? Lord, my relationship with you and my marriage are the most important things in my life-strengthen my heart, fill my eyes with Your vision for me, and keep me focused on you and my husband. Teach me to sit at your feet and be filled with Your Word and to trust in Your will for my life.

Every devotion, every conversation, every thing I read is pointing my heart back in the direction it should have been all along-towards my very personal relationship with my Heavenly Father, and my very precious relationship with my sweet husband. There is no longer a need for me to validate, or explain, or justify, or defend. I am forgiven in Christ. I am in Christ. In Him there is no condemnation-only grace. In His grace, I will become exactly who He has destined me to be assuming of course that I submit my will to His.