Still Learning...Still Thankful God is Clearing...

When I started this blog, God was doing a work in me. I often forget that God's timing is not our own, and when He starts something, He does finish it. However, could take a minute. It has certainly been a minute! I grew up in an abusive home. When you live like that, you don't realize its impact on you-it is just what it is. Years later, I was sitting in a parenting conference while my husband and I were stationed in Spain. We were at the end of the conference, and there was a Chapman song being played that was about the role of a father in a daughter's life. That last bit was all about how dad's impact daughters, and how the lack of a dad "figure" plays a devastating role in establishing a girl's security and identity. It hit me then how true that rang in my own life. My own dad was MIA and the dad I knew was abusive. There was no real dad, and suddenly the pain was more than I could bear. I broke into hysterics.

Fast forward a few more years, and we are back in the states, stationed in Louisiana. We are closer to family now and making an effort to spend some time with them. I thought I had dealt with those issues, but every time I went home (either my mom's or my dad's) I was flooded with emotion again. I would either cry myself to sleep while my very patient husband held me, or I would just have to go somewhere where I could get a grip. I never really dealt with any of it, I just ran away from it. The thing is, I didn't know I hadn't dealt with it. I was saved. I knew truth, but knowing didn't erase the memory, the impact, or the pain of my childhood. It wasn't until my step-father lay dying, family gathered around, me in the car on the way-a trip that takes about 9 hours by car. Every step of that journey, God was healing my heart and bringing about forgiveness so that I could win him to Christ before his time was up. I tried to witness to him before, but my heart harbored so much bitterness that I couldn't witness. Can't witness without love. Have to be able to love first. There I was with the very last opportunity I would ever have to tell this man that Jesus loves him, and I was hyperventilating. I could not breathe. I literally had to pull over at a Wal-Mart right down the street from my parents’ house and pray with my husband so I could go forward. Somewhere in that 9 hours, God gave me forgiveness and love for him. I walked in with nothing but love in my eyes.

I have experienced forgiveness. I have experienced real love. Both are priceless.

To get either though, I have to learn to deal with life and the situations that arise. I find that just hasn't been my mo. I am hurt, criticized, attacked, and could go on and on and on....but instead of saying "NO," I take it, I lay down. I curl up by myself and cry. I vent to my husband who encourages me. I sometimes lose it and explode because it has bubbled up and bubbled up. Losing it is not the solution. Allowing it to fester is not positive, but saying No is. No, I am not going to take responsibility for that. No, that has nothing to do with me. No, that was your choice, not mine. No, I am unable to do that. No, there are more important things in my life right now. No, you don't have the right to ______ (fill int he blank).

Setting up those boundaries, not allowing myself to be used and compromised, learning to express myself and deal with where I am are all tools I need to learn and utilize in order to grow as a person. I am who I am by the grace of God, and I don't have to be what anyone else expects or wants me to be.

The Beth Moore question today: What do I want? Hmmm....that is a tough one.

I want to make a difference. I live my life in an attempt to make a difference in lives. Sometimes I am rejected. Sometimes I am attacked or rejected, but...why would I expect anything different. Christ came to lay His life down for us, yet He is continually rejected. What I have gone through in my lifetime is so small compared to what Christ has given to me. I want to live my life for Christ. I want to follow His plan for me and in the end stand before Him just to hear, "well done."



He is still clearing the clutter out of my life. I am still learning....