It is so easy to fall, and to keep falling...The righteous man falleth yet seven times and get up again (Tina's paraphrase). I was crusing right along this week, too busy of course, which is something I keep battling-that lack of balance in my life so that what needs to get done does get done, and what doesn't doesn't. I allowed busyness to get the best of me this past week and spent very little time in my Bible. I find that when I do that, my prayers also lack power and focus. They come out more like obligations...got to check this one off my list. I also find that my heart just isn't in it. I lay aside my devotions one day, or do them to check it done, and my heart gets nothing from it. It is just done. That is the kind of week I had-very unproductive in every sence of the word.
No patience, no motivation, no....nothing really got done...and my priorities are to blame for that. So, Valentine's Day came. I really had a great day sharing it with not only my sweetheart, but with my daughter and a few friends. I had to stop and think about what I was doing this time last year. Well, let me tell you. Last year, we made hundreds of valentine cookies for school. We spent days with cookies and icing everywhere. The night before, three students stayed the night, and we all made cookies until early in the morning. Then we got up, boxed it all up, and went to school. It was an adventure and a fond memory. I don't remember if Steve and I did anything that day to celebrate. This year we spent time working on the house, stopping every so often to cuddle, talk, and just be together. After a long day, we took a shower and got into our matching jammies. We enjoyed a finger food dinner while we watched Fireproof.
Was pretty tired come Sunday and needed a nap. We napped between services, convincing ourselves we really needed to get up to make evening service. We did and as tired as we were, am so glad we did. Our pastor really challenged our hearts from the story of Hezekiah. Steve and I talked on our way home about it. We were both amazed that as many times as we have heard that story, the application had never been presented. God left Hezekiah so that Hezekiah could see what was in his own heart. I feel so isolated sometimes. I go through trials and more trials, and then I am aware of what is in my own heart-and I don't usually like it. My heart hurts. Today, I am feeling worthless. I was unfaithful to my God all week. I was too exhausted to be what my husband really needed, and then there is Facebook. I got a facebook in an attempt to bridge the gap, share my life, maybe open some doors between Daniel and I. He was the first person I looked for. He rejected my invitation 3 times, yet he is friends with everyone else we know. I try, he rejects. I keep trying to console myself with all that God has given me, the people God has connected our hearts too. There are people I am communicating with now that I haven't had relationships with in years. We have so many sweet relationships, but we don't have a relationship with our son. Our pastor was right, none of those other relationships replace what is lost. I don't know if I am hurt or angry. I vascillate between wanting it all to go away and wanting to reach out. I fall again into this emotional state that I don't want to be in, and I hear the words again, "Don't let anyone steal your joy." Yep, there again...going to have to get back up.
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